Tiny little ants almost brought me down!

My accomodation in Ubud, Bali is a ‘home stay’. If you’ve never been before the cheapest accomodation is a hostel, then home stay, and the upper eschalon a hotel. Let me set the scene… beautiful carved wooden doors, sculptures over the door frames, white drapes, four poster bed, beautiful Balinese bathroom with stone floor shower. Oh and then they made me change rooms! Bathroom- tiles from top to bottom with a shower facet that’s smaller than me that sprays the wall unless you take out the hand held option and shower one handed whilst holding the other hand over your head like a weird monkey dance. I am staying on Monkey Forest Road!

Before

After

All of the rooms seem beautiful with garden views. No TV. No kitchen. The staff bring you a flask of tea each day. Lovely.

I’m trying to be more positive in 2020. I finished 2019 with a lot of anger, pent up resentment, fatigue, and frustration. I spoke with a friend and admitted that at times my downfall may be my own stupidity and I wondered, do a lot of things go wrong for me?! Some things are out of my control. That day my flight to Bali with Jetstar was cancelled and my tenants gave notice to leave my investment property. But this story is of one of the tiny little moments that led to my stupidity.

Daily balancing my blood sugars whether my body has too much sugar to process, or not enough, I found myself needing a sugary tea. So I stirred sugar into my cup of tea poured from the homestays daily flask. Problem solved and I went about my day. Later that night, quite parched and almost out of bottled water, I poured myself another cup of tea in the dark room. It was cold and putrid! And wriggling! I ran to the bathroom to spit out what I had left in my mouth and as I turned on the light I found the cup was filled with tiny ants floating around having a tea spa. Gross! I cursed the homestays stupid daily flask!

I washed out the cup to try to get rid of the ants and saw tiny grains of sugar stuck to the bottom of the cup. It wasn’t the hotels flask that the ants had crawled in to. It was my sugary cup I’d left out all day. Totally my fault!

It felt like the ants were still alive, floating down my throat and trying to swim to survive. I coughed. I dry heaved. I rinsed my mouth out with what water I had left. They weren’t going anywhere. After awhile things calmed down but I felt they had bitten my throat on the way down. It felt sore. Maybe swollen. Oh geez, what if these tiny ants bit my throat? What if I have an anaphylactic reaction?

close up photo of ant

Photo by Egor Kamelev on Pexels.com

I googled “Swallowing tiny ants” but that wasn’t helpful. Tried “tiny ants bit my throat”. That was a minefield. The most helpful thing I read said a reaction usually occurs in 2 hours. Okay, I’d try to relax and see if it got worse. I tried to watch Netflix but I imagined my throat getting tighter, it felt swollen but my tongue wasn’t swollen. I had my ventilin and some antihistamines just in case. Back to relaxing.

Fourty- five minutes later it felt no worse but no better! I took some more ventilin and if you’ve ever had to inhale ventilin you know it can make you a bit shaky. I looked at the time and it was getting later. I really had to go to sleep because I was getting picked up at 2am to go for a sunrise hike. I started to panic! What if I fell asleep, couldn’t breathe and didn’t wake up? What should I do? If I go to reception (because there’s no phones in this place) they barely speak English, they won’t know what to do! Do I try to sleep and if I wake up gasping, I can go outside and yell for help? I put clothes on. Even if I try asking the Balinese for advise they’ll probably just ask if I want the hospital. I can’t sit at a hospital for hours if I don’t need to. I’ll miss the hike and lose my money.

I can’t call my parents (like I usually do). It’s too late in Australia and I need to be a grown up. What would a grown up do?? Well I bought travel insurance for a reason. I’ll look up their emergency hotline. And the wifi stopped working. So I turned on my mobile data to find my Medibank Health Insurance.

Medibank email: The Medibank Travel Insurance helpline is 1300 362 544.

No answer, this number is Australia only. Add the international dial code, doesn’t work.

PDS: Our emergency assistance team is available to help 24 hours a day. Contact details can be found on your Certificate of Insurance (COI)

COI: Call Australia on +61 (2) 8907 5672.

No answer.

Left brain: relax. Right brain: panic!

I know, I’ll try Australia’s ‘Nurse on call.’

Won’t connect, it’s just an Australian 1300 number.

Its now been two hours. I can either make a big deal out of this or just go to sleep. I suddenly feel an inescapable sob jump out of me. I’m meant to climbing a friggin volcano in a few hours! FFS! Why does this shit happen! And then I realise… maybe I’m panicing because I’m going to attempt to climb a volcano… 

I make my decision. I’m going to go to sleep. They are just tiny little ants and I’m a big human. Humans have drunk ants before and survived. Humans have climbed volcanos before and survived. I’m a survivor. I’ll be fine.

And I was!

When I got out of bed again at 1:30 am I couldn’t believe that those tiny ants were almost my downfall. 2020 needs to be different for me. 2020 will be different for me. I better get started on that!

BF8E06E7-430D-418E-8049-3327689B632C

 

Doing it for the girls (who can’t)

I was stuck in the check-in queue for over an hour at the airport so I had no choice but to look around at everyone else waiting. Mostly families, then couples and a few single people squeezed in between them all. I watched on as most of the men were doing the heavy lifting. There was some really tall, strong, long haired men… ahhh there’s a flight to Auckland.

Maori men. Think Jason Mamoa but the New Zealand version without as much personal training. Still strong.

https://bookingagentinfo.com/celebrity/jason-momoa/

I was on my way to Indonesia, Bali, for a week of relaxation and adventure. These men were balancing bags, kids, and societies expectations of strong men, doing a wonderful job. I happened to be behind an Indian family: two males, two adult females and a young girl. The men did nothing but hold up the queue. However I ignored them and focused on the strapping young- middle aged men looking after their families. My heart ached a bit for that. I felt a whisper of desire. If I have an aura, it turned green and spread out enveloping them as if I could turn that into my own life.

I stood alone. Balancing my bags and dragging them along with my singledom as we took miniature steps around the walkway like a cattle call. A bad back and type 1 diabetes, I would have loved someone to help me. I imagined my invisible partner placing his hand on my lower back..

“You going okay?” he’d check on me.

“Here babe, I’ll take that bag. You take this lighter one,” he’d say.

It took over an hour but I’d be sprinkled with little reassuring kisses and a few stops for a hug as we tried to be patient and shuffled along together. It would be fine, it was an adventure together. We’d give each other funny glances, reading each other’s minds as we watched other people. Oh we were so in love!

pexels-photo-698885

Then I noticed a young family. A couple and their daughter. The man stood in front of them with his ear phones in and ignored his daughter pulling on the back of his trousers for attention. He had two bags but the mother had a bag, a pram and was looking after the young girl. Hmmmm this was more realistic. I remembered the fights I’ve had with previous partners. The stress of getting two people packed, out the door and at the airport on time. I only had to worry about one person. I suddenly felt lighter and that seeking aura of jealousy snapped back, quite quickly, and returned to me standing alone.

I’m powerful on my own. I can do things in my own time, based on my own decisions and there’s no one to argue with or make me feel bad.

So maybe those families and couples were looking at me with jealousy.

“I wonder where she’s off to on her own and what delightfully free adventures she’s going to get up to?” they’d ponder.

“Look at her smaller bag” they’d glance at each other.

“Oh to not have anyone whinging at me or pulling on me”, they’d dream.

Every time I said to someone that I was going to Bali their response was “Who are you travelling with?”

The driver that picked me up said that it’s unusual to travel alone in Bali for the first visit.

I’m alone, but I’m free. I am financially independent, I am strong willed and I’m curious. I know there are thousands of women that can’t travel alone. They don’t have the money. They are too sick. They are scared. I’m doing this for you. Because I can. Yeah okay, it’s for me. I’m relatively fit and able, so I must. However I think that in doing this for myself, it says to everyone, everywhere that it’s okay to be alone. Or to try something new.

As a Dad was handed his families six passports to look after, I walked down the aerobridge swinging my arms free. Because I can!

photography of woman listening to music

Photo by bruce mars on Pexels.com

He was a skater boi

It’s been awhile friends but this is a story that had to be told! Please help me out… what happened??

He was a skater boy
She said, “see you later, boy”
He wasn’t good enough for her

-Avril Lavinge

It didn’t go quite like that… I met ‘J’ at a local pub after talking online for 24 hours. (You’ve got to meet in person to see if there’s a real connection.) I was the first to arrive so I found a table inside that I could also look out the windows and see his arrival. My dating fear is that they don’t look anything like their profile so I was on high alert.

low angle view of cat on tree

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Just sitting alone casually waiting for a friend (is the air I exude). I watched a man come in and look around, look at me, do a lap of the bar and walk out again. I breathed a sigh of relief ‘that doesn’t look like him’ as this older man didn’t pinpoint me. I had a fleeting thought that he had looked around and didn’t like what he saw so had promptly left. I wondered if many people did that?

My date was 7 minutes late- I’d messaged several friends, checked Facebook, Tinder (could have studied a new online course as the time dragged)- but he finally walked up to the table as a living, breathing profile pic, phew! We had just exchanged pleasantries and sorted out our beer preferences, when that same man walks back in again. After another lap, he turns to J and says “Do I know you from somewhere?”.  J looks reasonably perplexed for a few minutes as he tries to place him and then the two of them break out into smiles. They are mates and had been drinking in this same bar til the wee hours of the morning. I look at J and now the man named Ty as J tries to figure out what to do and whether it’s appropriate for him to sit down with us. He says something along the lines of “I’m just catching up with Starfish” and I throw out an awkward offering “Give us 10 minutes.”

In that 10 minutes, J leans in and whispers across the table “Don’t tell him we met on Tinder!”. We come up with a backstory of meeting at one of the local pubs… but that’s about it before we realise Ty is sitting alone, about one metre away from us. Come on over.

I was so ameniable to his friend- this is normal, this is fun. I’m so easy going and casual… what fun.

In between Ty’s stories, I piece together bits about J and whether our ‘date’ is going well. We both like history… he likes my tattoo. Oh you have eight tattoos I say, well my fav number is eight. “Me too” he says. He plays bass guitar, so does my Dad. He skates regularly and was filming last night. I’ve got total respect for people that have practiced enough to do things on wheels. Chatter, chatter about music… I listen to Ty’s conspiracy theories as J goes to the toilet and disappears (smoking) for a good 10 minutes. J also goes to the bar a lot, he drinks fast. He gets a phone call from a mate that talks to both of them. I think I’m talking to Ty more than J.

“I like your dress. It suits your face.” Okay, one more point to J. But something has to change. Now Ty goes for a smoke and I lean over to J that it’s time to get our date back on track, “can we have some time alone now”?

We make our way outside to decide our next move and to let Ty down lightly. J asks “So are you into me? Do you want to kiss me?” So we have a little kiss. He tells Ty we are leaving…

See ya!

He’s very indecisive but we put together a rough plan of grabbing some beers from the shop and going back to his place. As we stand in front of the beer fridges his phone rings again, same mate. He mumbles to me “Let’s do this another time.” Um, okay. I’m over this! Outside he says again “Let’s pick this up again another time” and I start walking towards the bus stand, shaking my head, as he heads back towards… Ty.

WTF?!

person in front of man flying wearing hat during sunset

Photo by @joagbriel on Pexels.com

Part Two

At home I’m a little confused so I message him on Tinder that it was the weirdest rejection I’ve ever had. He says “come back”. Um, what! Oh he’ll pay for a taxi if I come back and stay at his house for a snuggle. I said, no. “You’ll have to live with your decision now.” I’m trying to think of the best here. Okay, maybe we had our first date and he was trying to decide if he likes me and was a bit distracted. So we could meet up another time. He can make it up to me. I look back online and he’s deleted me!

 

A day in the life of a dog Mum

At school, I refer to my dog as my ‘fur baby’, to which my smart ass students ask “Did you give birth to her?” I reply as a smart ass… “Yes”!

This is for all the dog Mums and pawents to share the love and maybe get us a tiny bit of street cred as to why we refer to our dogs as babies! Those of you with human babies will have started off buying nappies or thinking about how to deal with poo disasters before they are toilet trained…. as do we (puppy toilet training pads or ‘floor nappies’). As a baby, they have to learn how to walk… so do puppies. I remember thinking that a dog just walks from day one but at twelve weeks old, after all their shots, they are still finding their feet, how far they can go and working out how to walk on a lead. So we carry them when they are tired and we coax them along just like a baby. We buy them toys and take a million photos as they grow. The similarities continue…

Is it a girl or a boy?

It’s traditionally pink for girls and blue for boys to identify your baby. Super old fashioned and a stereotype that needs to be thrown out, it stops the idiots on the street from asking mundane questions and misidentifying your baby. The confusion about my dogs sex is just as annoying. I ended up covering her in pink- pink collar, pink ID tag and a pink lead. ‘She’s a girl’ I’d cry out in my head when strangers approached us.

“Hello little fella”

“What a good boy”

“He’s a cutie”

I’d just referred to “she” chatting to a dude online. Can’t you read?!

Don’t eat that!

Whilst parents are worried about age appropriate soft toys and eating off the floor, I worry about dead birds, chicken bones, chop bones and a drunks left over Maccas mashed into the pavement.

She is so cute, people used to feed her dog treats through the fence. At the drive-in bottle shop, they offer dog treats through the window. They greet her at the vets with a little treat. Noooooo- she is allergic to EVERYTHING!

Is it a number 1? Number 2? Number 3….. ewwwwww

My friends that have had a baby comment on the poo disasters. Poop everywhere. The number 3 poo explosions are particularly hard to deal with and clean up. One poor little guy had gastro which was a complete nightmare!

“Car seat covered, bedding covered, child covered! Poo in the bed, poo on the floor, poo squirted in the portacot”

My doggo likes to roll in poo! If she runs off into the bush, she’s found wombat or kangaroo poo (just guessing) and down-dog pose to rub her neck and face in it. Sometimes rolls her whole body over it. Often just washed, she must be too clean. One day she rolled in a big dogs big sloppy poo and it was all over her face and neck and collar. She then tried to wipe off some on the grass, rubbing more of it into her face and eyes and choking.

Then there’s her own poo issues- I’ve wiped off messy poo, cut off dry poo, picked up a hell of a lot of poo everyday, broken bags with poo on my hands and running out of bags with improvising what the hell to do with the poo!

We struggle at bath time. Like your child cries or throws a tantrum, my baby hates the idea of a bath. Sometimes I get lucky and she can wash off in the ocean. Oh wait, this beach was covered in oil spills from the boats…. sigh.

Doctor, doctor!

A Mum proclaimed “Freaking continuous cold. Sodding day care.”

My house has been fleamageddon! After dog sitting in January, I have been fighting a flea pandemic that I continually seem to be losing.

She’s allergic as I mentioned….. allergic to meat and protein, grass, dairy, and gluten. (What’s left for her to enjoy? Carrots). She has skin infections, ear infections, bladder infections almost non stop. The Vet bills are non stop. So are the calls to Mum for advise… just like a baby.

Sleepless nights

There’s licking, scratching, crying, toilet needs, teething, wanting to sleep with Mum, nightmares, and sickness which means I haven’t slept through the night for almost seven years.

So… I call her my baby!

I’m not that naive and know that they are different. How many of you are dunking your babies in the ocean to get clean?!

Happy Easter!!

Rate my beaches

I decided to take a road trip down the Mornington Peninsula in Melbourne for the day. Amongst the tea trees are some of the most beautiful beaches in Victoria.

The first stop in Rosebud was so relaxing, not another person walking along the beach, sharing it with the swans and the boat birds. Whilst the town is filled with campers and fishing folk from the foreshore camping and casual pubs, they certainly weren’t on the beach.

My second stop in Sorrento was for lunch and as you walk towards the cafes you actually have to leave the beach views behind. Less campers here, more holiday makers staying in their beach houses and where the rich or famous come to play. Day trippers come over on the car ferry from Queenscliff. At the cafe with me, is Martha and Michael from Married at First Sight fame. A nasty piece of work on the show, she politely let two young girls have their photos taken with them.

If my life was like these beaches, I’d be calm and peaceful, beautiful and rich! My local beaches smell like salt and seaweed with all kinds of plastic and rubbish washed up. Then I found one that was roaring in Portsea….

Imperfect rock formations, worn away over the years by the wind and the waves. Like most of us, trying to stand their ground but everyday faced with being stood on and washed over with the surf pounding away.

Like a single girl, you had to make an effort to get close to it (all the many steep stairs) and it wasn’t just going to let anyone near. If you make the effort, it’s worth it!

On the way back, I couldn’t resist stopping at Shelley Beach and it didn’t disappoint. I was collecting old sea shells by the waves when a dog approached me to play ball. Accidentally ending up in the water I stepped towards it just as the tide was coming in, fast. My skirt was saturated as I ran back away from the water, ball in hand, laughing.

As I continued walking along with the dog, it kept running further and further away with the ball. I soon realised it was used to playing by itself.

It knew that if it left the ball by the water, the tide would push it back to it! It was playing ball all by itself.

You don’t need a partner to enjoy adventures. I had a great day out by myself with my love of the beach! I hope you do something enjoyable for yourself this weekend.

I am a feminine feminist

Some people still think of Feminism like it’s a dirty word! It’s not a lesbian, who no longer washes or shaves and hates men. What’s fun though…. is that it can be.

You can also be a feminine feminist!

I can never own enough dresses. Dresses work no matter what season. Throw on some leggings and boots during winter and get your legs out in summer. My colleague loves pink! Pink errrryythang! So what? It’s just a colour.

A Feminist just wants equality for all. They have a belief that you can be whatever and whomever you want to be. Blokes can be feminist. Don’t be scared and confused. It’s time to educate yourself!

feminist

dictionary.com

Feminine definition

It seems that we are in the fourth wave of feminism. How sad, that this is the fourth time we are trying to make a difference and get the world to stand up and listen so that changes are made. How many waves will it take?

The first wave of feminism came about from the suffragettes who worked hard to get women the right to vote. This continued throughout war times when the traditional role of women started to change and women found themselves working outside the home for the first time.

J.-Howard-Millers-We-Can-Do-It-poster-from-1943-495x640

J. Howard Miller’s We Can Do It poster from 1943.

The second wave of feminism was in the 70’s with Germaine Greer at the forefront. Women were still fighting to reduce inequalities, and change the roles of women in the family, the workplace, and to gain reproductive rights. “Feminists: What were they thinking?” Netflix Film interviews the women that posed for a book of photos “Emergence” by Cynthia McAdams during the height of this movement.

Be a good girl…. well that implies that we weren’t good girls. I’ve only known that ‘no’ can be a complete sentence in the last 10 years. (Jane Fonda)

In order to change it, we had to become disobedient (Judy Chicago)

Our bodies, our lives, our right to decide.

We want equality, we want it now (protesters chants)

The women’s naked body was no longer reserved for pornography. The body was a source of pride and of health. The body was to be celebrated and enjoyed.

The third wave of feminism came about in the 90’s- individuality and diversity was the goal. (As an 80’s born child, I don’t recall anything about this movement but I certainly had the privilege of looking and sounding just like one of the guys. There were less gendered experiences).

The fourth wave of feminism is now! This movement is to eliminate sexual harassment, assault, and misogyny. Think of the #metoo campaign where women are standing up and speaking out. We need to end violence against women. White Ribbon Australia states statistics like:

One woman a week is murdered by her current or former partner.
1 in 5 women have experienced sexual violence since the age of 15.

It’s not widely spoken about outside of teaching circles but the Australian Government undertook a Royal Commission into Family Violence and subsequently developed a program to be taught in schools ‘Respectful Relationships’. “Evidence shows that gender-based violence can be prevented by working with the whole population, and in this case, all schools, to address the attitudes, beliefs and knowledge that supports the prevention of violence.” (Department of Education)

Respectful relationships

227 recommendations were made! If we still need to make that many changes, what are you going to do differently?

Even if you are not female, everyone has a Mum, or Grandma, or sister, niece, cousin, aunt, girlfriend, wife and/or female friend. I want you to consider…. how could you NOT be a feminist?!

 

 

Why we love Cruella de Vil characters

Have we all learnt from the Married at First Sight TV series that you can be cruel and popular? What a terrible message! Disney’s Cruella de Vil was both brunette and blond, representing all the cruel women. She was horrible and we were all worried about those puppies. Married at First Sights success is based around the same premise- we are all watching on to see if the puppies are okay and Cruella gets what’s coming to her.

Cruella has been played by Ines, Elizabeth, Susie, Cyrell and now Jessika. They havn’t cast many ‘normal’ girls as that doesn’t get the ratings. For last Sunday’s dinner party episode, 1.9 million viewers tuned in! (Source: Nine Comms)

The most watched show on Australia television.

MAFS Executive producer, Peter Walsh, claims they are not paid actors and it’s not scripted in an interview by Alex Carlton.  With the headline that he regrets this season, it’s just more hype for us to tune in to! A producer regrets nothing that gets 1.9 million viewers.

I think the reason we are intrigued by ‘car crash TV’ like MAFS is somewhat complicated. We want all these things:

1. They’ll get what they deserve and we get to see it! It’s rare that we have someone mean or rude in our lives and whilst we hope karma will bite them in the bum, or someone calls them on their bullshit, we don’t see the aftermath.

2. It distracts us from our real life or makes us feel better about our own issues.

3. It makes us feel connected- When others talk about it, we can join in with our thoughts and feelings. It becomes a real life social experiment for what is and isn’t acceptable behaviour to different people.

4. We are hopeful that good wins in the end! We have to check in on the puppies.

I had decided I wasn’t going to watch anymore. I wanted to take a stand against the lack of role models and decent people.

Girl code doesn’t exist to me …

Sam would make a really good Father because he looks great with his shirt off… (Ines, MAFS)

But MAFS talk comes up at parties on the weekend and at work during the week! My Mum and I text throughout the show when we watch it at the same time but live an hours drive away. Whatsapp messages with friends ping when Cruella does and says something stupid. As much as I hate it, I want to watch it for all the reasons above. Like the 1.9 million others, I’m sucked in.

NO-vember

I’ve had three serious relationships in the past but they all said no, no, no.

No, I haven’t started dinner even though I’ve been home from work for three hours before you.

No, I haven’t brought the washing in or done anything with it as my Mum always did that for me.

No, I can’t go out with you and your friends because my footy team is playing.

No, I won’t see you much this weekend as cricket is life.

No, I don’t feel like going for a walk with the dog.

No, I don’t want to go to the beach. I want to watch the game on replay.

No, I’m tired.

No, I don’t know how I feel anymore.

No, I don’t want to be with you anymore and I’ve cheated on you.

Recently, I hit it off with Mr Suave (before he ghosted me) but he was also a ‘no’ man!

No, I don’t like dress up parties.

No, I don’t like fishing.

No, I don’t like dogs that bound up to me as they get in the way. (WTF?!)

No, I would never catch a bus.

No, I don’t like historical fiction, just documentaries.

No, I don’t like walking along the street when it’s busy, they are all tourists and need to get out of my way!

Now, I’m saying ‘no’! I want a yes man.

I want someone that says ‘yes’, I’ll do that. Yes, I’ll go there. Yes, I’d like that. Yes, that would be fun. However if I put that on my online profile, it sounds a bit kinky.

Jim Carey is a bit annoying when he’s being overly dramatic but I like the idea of the movie ‘Yes man’. He has to say yes to everything!

It would go something like-

Yes, let’s get tickets to that festival.

Yes, I want to play tennis with you.

Yes, let’s go for a walk along the beach with the dog.

Yes, I’ll make you dinner.

Yes, you are an amazing little starfish!

And Zooey Deschanel would play me in the movie.

I went on the Bumble dating app to read a few profiles for ideas and in less than five minutes, this is how many guys said yes to me!

With no info (at all) on my profile and only one photo, they must be saying yes to everyone. So I really need a guy that says yes to me, but no to everyone else.

I have swipe fatigue- I’m tired of trying to figure out whether to say yes or no and whether they will then say yes or no to me. When I’m ready to swipe again, I’ll try to find my yes man.

NO-vember = no swiping.

What do you wish a man would say ‘yes’ to?

Mansplained

‘Mansplaining’ is when a man tries to explain something to a woman that she already understands, but from his point of view. It’s often condescending, overconfident or totally inaccurate! This mansplained is man speak explained when dating. I will translate common phrases or questioning when dating.

I’m really busy at the moment.

You are not a priority. I’ll get to you when I get to you, if I do. 

I’m just seeing what’s out there.

– This is the equivalent of girls shopping and ‘just looking’. They really don’t want anything or don’t know what they want. They are just attracted by the cuts and colours. 

I’m a bricklayer/concreter on winter holidays, it’s too wet to work.

-I get paid as a casual and can’t be bothered to pick up full time work so I stay at home smoking and drinking when I don’t feel like it. Might have a side job dealing drugs. 

Man arrested drugs and weapons.jpg

My next door neighbour arrested for drugs was a concreter on winter holidays

Where do you live?

-How easy will it be to booty call you?

How long have you been single?

-Have you still got game? Or will you be a stage one clinger?

I’m looking for a gym buddy.

-You must already be fit and hot and admire my muscles. You’ll come to the gym with me so we can both show off together. 

Do you want to come to my place?

-I’m trying to work out how easy you are.

Do you like camping?

-How high maintenance are you and will you rough it (whilst still looking hot)?

What do you do on weekends?

-Do you have friends?

Do you play any sport? What footy team do you follow?

-Will you whinge and nag when I go to games? Can I take you to games with the boys?

Can you drive a manual car?

-You won’t be able to drive my car when I get pissed. 

Do you live near your work?

-You will be tired and grumpy every day. 

What time did you get home (Saturday night?)

-How much of a party animal are you?

I like banter.

-Will you talk dirty to me?

Been around the world, don’t speak the language
But your booty don’t need explaining
All I really need to understand is
When you talk dirty to me

Jason.jpg

Comment below for anything you need translating!

Baby, dance with me

When I was a little fish (18-24 years old) I loved clubbing and usually went out four nights a week! Dancing on top of podiums, or taking over the dance floor and belting out tunes. This was the sound track to my life and when I hear these songs played now, it takes me back to where I was that year, including what I was wearing.

In honour of NOT going to my 20th high school reunion this weekend, here’s five favourite dance songs from the naughty noughties:

2000Can’t stop the MoonlightLeanne Rhymes

I went on many a night club tour and danced on the bar like Coyote Ugly. That year all my clothes (and hopefully that of the time) was inspired by these girls. Fake leather pants and tiny tops. I also had a fake leather top and leopard print skirt that was a winner. Red pants and a tiny lace top. Damn, I wish I could pull that off now! Couldn’t even pull it on now.

2001Dance with me112

Singing at the top of my lungs “choc tops in the parking lot.” Turns out he was waiting in his convertible. Well I think choc tops is much more realistic.

I see you looking at me
I can tell by your eyes that your feeling me
And I really want you to get close to me
So won’t you dance with me… Dance with me
My drop tops in the parking lot
And I wanna take you back to my spot
But we still got a little more time to rock
So won’t you dance with me… Dance with me!

19992004Be FaithfulFatman Scoop

If you go anywhere that’s playing hip hop, they will play this song! I’ve been dancing to it for over 14 years now. I would have danced to it every Thursday night 2000-2003 when I hadn’t started my professional career yet. You knew you were guaranteed to hear this one during the night and they often played ‘I’ve had the time of my life’ (Dirty Dancing) to wind down the night at 3:30am.

Fatman Scoop is so widely played that Australia’s new Prime Minister made reference to it only 3 weeks into his job, getting himself in hot water over the lyrics. He must have been trying hard to get a laugh as we didn’t vote him in.

Of course I liked this song, singing and making up awesome dance moves. Everyone loves a good audience participation opportunity.

Single ladies! I can’t hear ya! (Cupping my hand to my ear)
Single ladies! Make noise! (Miming a megaphone with my hands)

All the chickenheads, be quiet! (bobble head)

All the good lookin’ women sing along… (bump and grind)

If you’ve got long hair, put your hands up! (shake your hair, bobble head, hands up, bump and grind)

2002- Dirty- Christina Aguilera

Well this is a fan fave of everyone’s. When I was out with male friends they said they love this song too because when it comes on, all the girls turn slutty. The song didn’t do so well on the radio but I’m sure the film clip was well watched as she danced and ‘fought’ in the tiniest of bikinis in a fighting ring. We burned up the dance floor gyrating along as well. I loved her album ‘Stripped’ with both the CD and DVD regularly played, inspiring me with songs- Fighter, Beautiful, Underappreciated and The Voice Within. I died my hair black and wore it long, curly and messy.

Christina

2008 – Low- Flo Rida and T Pain

Apple bottom jeans, boots with the fur. The whole club was looking at her

Apparently this is the look that T Pain likes….. well boots with the fur in Australia has to be uggboots! No wonder the whole club was looking. You might get away with going down to the shops in your Uggs but not a club. But then she hits the floor and is so low and such an amazing dancer that no one cares. I always thought I was singing the wrong lyrics with ‘apple bottom’ but turns out I wasn’t! We then sing ‘Baggy sweat pants, Reboks with the straps’…. well this is the look that Flo Rida likes. No wonder I thought Uggboots on the dance floor was acceptable in this song.

As an Elder Millenial, I didn’t have a digital camera or smart phone during this time. If there’s no photos on social media, did it even happen? Yes, it did! For my 20th birthday night club tour, the host took photos and sent me printed photos a week later.

Whales communicate in song and the just like them, I feel strongly about having music in my life. It’s so powerful. It can lift you up or help you chill out. Luckily I’m surrounded by amazing people at work that love to sing and my sister will have a good sing along too. Enjoy some fun music this weekend and get jiggy with it (Thanks Will Smith)!

Get a life

I was told me a couple of months ago to ‘get a life’. It wasn’t said to be mean or upset me but it did upset me, at first. My immediate reaction is ‘what the heck is he talking about?’. I’ve got lots of friends and I’m always out and about, I’ve travelled, I’ve partied, I’ve had a couple of failed relationships, I’ve lived.

I’ve participated in many rites of passage including my ‘Wild West’ themed 21st party, concerts and festivals every year.

Went on a Rumspringa Contiki tour(s)- 8 countries in 15 days through Europe and then New Zealand.

Worked the Ritual customer service jobs and those three days working in a sand paper factory. (Working at Blockbuster Video- the kids wouldn’t even understand)

Vision quests- island hopping including drink, dance, sleep (repeat) at a full moon party in Koh Phangan – finding out a month later that all the sleeping was due to being diabetic!

Obligatory jumping out of a perfectly good plane.

Feeling like I was going to plummet to my death from ‘treetop adventures’.

Surviving the weird and wonderful food in China and walking… no, climbing…. no, hands and feet crawling up the steep stairs on the Great Wall of China to drink a warm beer at the top!

Discovering what it’s like to live the song Bangarang, experiencing a 17 hour sleeper train in China and again in Vietnam- sliding forwards, backwards, side to side and up and down over the train tracks in bed.

So how have I not got a life? Oh, failed relationships….

I may have a big social network and exciting adventures but I’m not making a life for myself with my own family….it was my Dad who said it to me. My kind and caring Mumma and Pappa just want me to be happy and make sure I’ve got someone else in my life.

Well it’s not exactly from a lack of trying. Mr Suave ghosted me after five dates. ICE COLD SUAVE.

I’m quite nice and often sweet (or raging, there’s becoming less in between and I’ve been told I’m cute. However I want to be fierce!

Men might not like ‘fierce’ but if I’m to get a life, and that’s not with a partner, then I want to be doing and saying things that have impact.

Get a life you’re proud of.

I’m passionate about equality and girls empowerment but previously felt a bit useless trying to change the world. I came across One girl and their Do it in a dress fundraiser.

From what I understand, Primary School ceases at 10 years old in Africa. So what do girls do then? They either have to look after the home and the rest of the family, find work, or (most likely) be sold by the family into marriage. This then leads to mistreatment by their much older husbands and certainly isn’t a life I’d wish for anyone!

For $300, a girl can continue her education with a scholarship for a year. So I wore a dress to my school, as a teacher, to meetings, walking the dog and to Pilates to raise money. Not only did I raise $845 but what was incredible was that 15 students were inspired to wear a dress and fundraise as well.

Five young boys joined in the cause. These boys are only 10 years old and were prepared to take the laughs and smash the stereotypes of wearing a dress to try and change the world and fight for equality. I was so proud of them!!

Together, we raised almost $4,000.

How to lose a guy in 7 days

This is my follow up to How to lose a girl in 7 days. But I’m certainly not an expert in guys. They don’t seem to communicate very well….. so WHO KNOWS?! Please help us out guys. There’s probably twenty things a girl could critique and thinks she could have done better but you’ve left no clues for us to actually figure it out. It’s a riddle with no answers.

If you’ve seen the TV series Imposters, each time someone is scammed they leave a video that says things like:

“You must be very confused.”

“You will never see me again”.

“You will ask yourself a lot of questions.”

“You will replay every moment we had together. You will begin to doubt everything you know…. you will begin to doubt yourself. It’s very normal.”

“Don’t try to find me, you will never find me. Don’t put yourself through that. Leave it be… move on with your life”

“You are a good person or this wouldn’t have happened to you. You will find love again. You will find happiness.”

If only guys could say things like that to us, it would be so much better than nothing. Of course there is no such video message in real life. So what goes wrong?

The Dating Struggle identifies five types of single women.

  1. Bag lady (negative comments towards men)
  2. Vixen
  3. The king of her castle (career driven)
  4. Desperate wanna be housewife
  5. Miss Picky

It basically sums us all up except that I can’t identify with just one of them, I think I have bits of them all.

From a man’s perspective (read or watch with an open mind!) 10 types of women you should never date:

  1. The dumb girl
  2. The princess
  3. The financial disaster (this applies to men too)
  4. Sloppy drunk chick
  5. Super jealous girl
  6. A stripper
  7. The women who only has gay men as friends
  8. The my-daddy-buys-me-everything chick
  9. The Tiege Hanly hair (doesn’t want the man to have better hair than her)
  10. The bitch

When you are going through the getting-to-know-you process online, I wouldn’t mention:

  • Significant illness or injury until they have gotten to know you
  • Money issues
  • “Drama”
  • Too much dog talk
  • Taking more than 6 hours to respond (Believe it or not- Bumble statistics that they lose interest)
  • More than one girl is in your photo
  • False advertising- fake hair, fake tan, fake (chicken fillet inserts) boobs

We definitely have personality types online. I would say these are the following types of women (and again I’m parts of them all):

  1. Humorous
  2. Sarcastic smart ass
  3. Nice and sweet
  4. Sexy banter
  5. Independent (difficult to catch as they know they are strong by themselves)
  6. Dependent (really wants to be in a relationship and values husband and kids over the best match- nothing wrong with this)

I write this in case you are doing something obvious and have never thought about it before and wonder what goes wrong. Most of the time, it’s not us, it’s them! When they can’t communicate openly, we will never know, so don’t second guess yourself. I try not to lose myself in the riddle that’s wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma (Winston Churchill quote) and downward spiral. Stay strong that you are amazing. Someone will appreciate you. 

It’s survival of the fittest (mentally) to get through the online profiles, survive the chats, meet for multiple dates and find a good match. Sometimes it is a good match but they are also dating multiple women and are spoilt for choice.

I’m thinking you have no interest in getting to know a gal 🤷🏻‍♀️

If he’s not treating you well or it doesn’t feel right- you need to lose him! I still believe that when the right one comes along it won’t be this hard, hopefully. As the ‘Imposters’ say- Always forward, never backwards. 

I hope you catch some good fish this weekend!

Chalk and cheese

I had two dates last weekend!!!! Go me! They were as different as chalk and cheese- what a strange expression. I thought the same as http://www.phrases.org.uk “There must be many pairs of things that are more different than chalk and cheese.” They claim it’s popularity is as simple as they are short and snappy words that alliterate. I’m going to work on coming up with another one.

Mr Suave was from an online dating app, the other was a ‘blind date’ (of course we checked each other out on Facebook first) set up by friends. Where Suave was tall, the other was short. Suave had dark hair, the other was greying. Suave had beers with me, the other coffee. Suave went halvies on the costs, the other let me pay. Suave lives within a reasonable distance, and the other is an hours drive away. Okay, it’s clear who I’m leaning towards.

At school, we teach the kids to identify similarities and differences, and usually make them put it in a Venn diagram! It’s also a reading strategy to compare and contrast which allows them to understand the book better and make real life connections. So what did these guys have in common that made them a good match for me?

They were similar in that neither of them owned a pet but agreed dogs were better. They both had their own home (whether rented or owned, we didn’t go into it) and had good jobs. Stable work that they somewhat enjoy, most days. Interestingly, I didn’t go into their family situations and neither did they. I think that’s a sign that we didn’t need the small talk about who has siblings and what age they are. Both were able to hold their own, and conversation flowed along the standard path of ask a question, respond yourself with a story, ask another……

Both were respectful- they didn’t try to touch me up or talk dirty!

But Mr Suave had it all.

He dressed well for the date and looked great in a floral (I don’t care what you think, I’m man enough to pull this off as fun and happy) shirt and nice shoes. As we sat down with our beers, I asked a bustling table and group standing if they minded us sitting down next to them. He handled it cool, calm and collected when a very drunk guy leaned in and told us with a slur and a wobble that you should just take things and not ask as he might have said no. We talked and laughed our way merrily into a second drink and then agreed to a third at a different bar he wanted to check out over the road. The third beer then turned into an espresso martini that he ordered for me as I had said I love them. We made our way over to a comfy couch and moved closer as it had got colder. Then it starts to become a blur…. We leaned in for a kiss and he suggested….. dancing! So off we went, walking hand in hand down the street and when I complained about walking in my heels, he ordered a taxi the rest of the way apologising to the driver “Sorry man, I know it’s a short trip. I’ll pay you extra.”

At the club, he paid for both of our entry costs ($20 each) and put our jackets together in the cloak room. He bought me a coke as I said I’d really had enough and we danced and made out for the next hour or so. He laughed at me as I danced to The Nutbush (OMG, I can’t believe I did that on a date!) and I laughed at him as we both enjoyed S Club 7. When I went to the toilets and realised how messy I’d become, I told him I had to call it a night and he put me in a cab home. We text all the next day… and lived happily ever after. Ha ha. No, we’ll see………

woman wearing white dress dancing on brown sand

Photo by Gabriel Augusto on Pexels.com

I didn’t put my best foot forward when I met my coffee date. I had drank too much with Mr Suave so I was still a bit tired and shaky. I’m not a morning person so I had dry shampooed my hair and I didn’t feel as banging as I had last night. Because of the alcohol, I also had a (diabetic) hypo during the date and whilst I tried to hide it, my speech wasn’t coming out the same and I couldn’t think of the right words. I might have got away with it as nervous and cute… but I probably also seemed like a downright drip! This date lasted an hour.

Chalk and Cheese.

I really like cheese- Mr Suave has to be the cheese!

How to lose a girl in 7 days

There’s a major disconnect between men and women’s expectations and how we communicate. When my first relationship was struggling, I read ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.’ It was so insightful, I asked my partner to read it so we could discuss it and understand each other better. However, when we talked about it, he had interpreted it entirely different!

Craig David sings ‘7 days’ and the song starts off like he’s picking up a ‘lady of the night’ off the street but then he sings about caring for her, she’s a special lady, and can call him any time ”Cause I’m a man who’ll always be there (oh yeah)”.

“I met this girl on Monday.

Took her for a drink on Tuesday.

We were making love by Wednesday.

And then on Thursday and Friday and Saturday.

We chilled on Sunday.”

Women hear things like this and might think If I sleep with him, he will start to care for me. (Even though he’s said he just wants something casual.)

Men hear things like this and might think She’ll be happy to jump into bed with me even if we’ve just met and know nothing about each other. 

Online dating turn off’s:

  • Bad photos– no smile/no teeth, not showing your eyes (the eyes are the window to the soul!), photos are 10 years old and you no longer look like that, photos of so many men we don’t know which one you are or photos of photos (what the?).
  • Messaging multiple times before receiving a reply
  • One word answers
  • Not asking us any get-to-know-you questions
  • Telling us how you like ‘IT’, without being asked (this includes unsolicited D pics)
  • Work cover injury (The assumptions are that your job is unsafe, you are unsafe, or you are a con artist)
  • Gambling debts (you can’t manage your finances or are addicted, you won’t be able to care for someone else’s life if you can’t manage your own)
  • Living at home with your parents because there’s no work available ‘at the moment’ (as above)
  • Lack of effort and poor first impression- no eye contact, very casual clothes. A friend once cut off a guy as he wore thongs (flip flops/jandles) to a date.
  • Taking more than 3 days to reply. If you are interested, then respond to her messages in a timely manner!
  • Anti-Feminist comments such as

“Girls are still single as they are far too independent these days. My (Italian) Mum takes care of the cooking and cleaning and looking after us as she loves it and has good family values.”

*It’s fine if a woman CHOOSES to look after a man. But she can also choose not to. My second relationship failed as I refused to do all the cooking, cleaning, wash and fold his clothes. I didn’t want to be like his Mother. I wanted a partner.

What turns you off??

Predators in the sea

Dating online is similar to life in the ocean with sharks circling their prey and the whirlpools of rubbish that keep getting swept around and around in circles with the currents. Bumble and Tinder dating apps are like Russian Roulette-it’s a seemingly random parade of profiles and pictures that keep popping up for you to choose from. But did you know that if you swipe long enough, you can keep seeing the same guys on the app? I mentioned in my last post that I saw over 20 that I’ve talked to before. And these guys are also on multiple apps.

Each time I join up to a new dating app, my ex pops up! In fact, he’s popped up 3 times on the same app. Even when you swipe left and say no, the same guys seem to come back around again.

On Tinder, people from high school pop up. On Bumble; my sisters ex, an ex colleague, a student’s Dad! And, a friends husband.

Men often send messages and before I respond, send me even more. Don’t be a pest or a predator. Read social cues. I’m all for having a go and putting yourself out there, but one message is enough already. I recently went out on a date and swapped numbers. I said to him, please don’t just text ‘Good morning’, I’m not big on lots of texts that don’t really say anything.

My Mum thinks I’m not trying hard enough to get matches or go on dates. That perhaps I’m too fussy. That I should give more people a go. I explained to a newly single friend that over the years I’ve had a range of flexible criteria that’s all produced undesirable results. #Types of fish

Now, I have to imagine being able to kiss them, or I say no. If I can first ensure I’m into their pics, then I can establish if I’m into their personality. I’d like to do it the other way around but online dating isn’t designed for that. Online dating also takes time! I’d spend all my spare time trying to review their profiles and then get nothing from them in return. But my friend thinks I should be more of a predator and go for it with more of them that have half decent pics and profiles. She joined an app and started recommending her matches to me!

When I’m walking my dog, I don’t want her to stop at EVERY tree or house, we just wouldn’t get anywhere. That’s the same theory I have about online dating. You have to find something to make some quick decisions on, go with your gut instinct and move on to see what happens next.

So who’s hunting who? Well ladies we do need to admit we are huntresses as well.

Iliza Shlesinger hunting

According to Iliza, we need to slow down a bit and make sure that someone can actually catch us! I think that I’m so used to being by myself I may be a bit like the gazelle that speeds along.

The only reason I don’t like the label ‘gazelle’ is due to my ex housemate who was entertaining a man one night with her sexual prowess and cried out loudly-

“I’m a gazelle!”

When talking to her the next morning I commented-

“You were very loud last night. You must have been having a good time?”

She replied-

“He was telling me all about his trip to Africa and the animals that he ate.”

….

Oh.

Finding Nemo

For the school holidays, my goals were to go to the beach every day and do some writing every day. Instead, I have found myself on apps for hours at a time! The apps that sucked me in the most was Airtasker, Instagram, and Canvo. There’s some hilarious tasks on Airtasker and some really promising odd jobs to get some extra cash. I found myself applying for:

  • Type up some old letters
  • Write a timeline (A couple’s history)
  • Letterbox Distribution
  • Babysitting
  • Resume and interview preparation
  • Transcribe 30 one hour interviews

I had a great laugh at:

  • Remove dead mouse- $50
  • Buy me cigarettes- $30
  • Buy and deliver Coles shopping – $5
  • Buy and deliver Coles shopping (with the 17 specific items listed)- $30 and only offer made was $50!
  • Write key selection criteria for a government job (spelled incorrectly) – $50
  • Puppy time – $25
  • Unload 40 foot container of noodles – $260
  • Wait in line at the MCC for AFL grand final tickets from 4-7am- $100

I vowed to set myself some screen time rules and stop applying for these tasks as none of them came to fruition. After being ‘recommended for tasks’ and proceeding to the next stage, messages back and forth, three jobs were cancelled. I had rearranged my day for these. The ‘Letterbox distribution’ had me drive to a warehouse to pick up flyers that had never arrived! ‘Typing up old letters’ never responded even after I was shortlisted and we discussed the days and method for completion. The other two tasks remain unknown in status. Just like online dating, you need to put in significant time with no reward. It was like Finding Nemo– setting off on an adventure with many obstacles along the way, even with a goal in mind. In this case, I’m going to have to leave Nemo out there for someone else to find on Airtasker.

I’ve been undecided if I need a break from online dating as well. Finding ‘Nemo’ online has been unsuccessful for over 5 years now. I go on and off dating sites with FOMO (Fear of missing out) and then get over it and get on with real life, then I think I’ll try again for fun and thus goes the vicious cycle. It’s like I turn in to Dory, the character with short term memory loss. I recognise guys that I’ve matched with previously but can’t remember what went wrong.

I’ve paid for a Bumble subscription for a week that lets me see who has ‘liked’ me so I don’t have to scroll through the ones that aren’t interested. I’ll then decide if I’m interested to make it a mutual match. I’m calling it the 200 guys in 7 days challenge. Let’s see if I find ‘Nemo’ this week…..

clownfish under water

Photo by Tom Fisk on Pexels.com

Murder on the dance floor

A day in the life of a single girl.

I dragged myself out of bed on Saturday morning to prepare for Oktoberfest at the Royal Exhibition building, Carlton. The words Oktoberfest and classy don’t go together at all but I thought the venue may mean a less rambunctious affair (such as St Kilda gardens or Birrarung Marr park where a friend climbed up a speaker pole to see the DJ better and ended up in hospital!). 

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Usually Oktoberfest in Melbourne means a lot of girls in short skirts and very low, voluptuous tops and unfortunately we all look the same (thanks eBay). Last year, I spotted at least 20 girls wearing the same outfit as I was. So whilst the beer is flowing, the boys are a plenty, so are the girls and the chances of standing out are slim to none in his environment. It’s just a great day to hang out with friends and have a laugh.

The Royal Exhibitian building was set up like a huge beer hall with trestle tables packed with laughing friends and piled high with the remnants of all the drinks of the day. For this occasion, you had to choose the day function (12-5pm) or the night function (6-11pm) and I found myself at the day session. By 3pm, everyone was very loose!

Girls were dared to try to jump up on wooden crates that were piled higher than their legs whilst the men stood by watching and cheering on. The band was playing covers and anytime an Aussie classic came on, people stood up on the tables and bench seats, screaming the lyrics at the top of their lungs.

You’re the voice, try and understand it. Make a noise and make it clear. Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa (John Farnham)

Of course, the bench seats broke! They were carried out by security (the benches not the drunk people) to hundreds of people clapping and cheering.

By 4pm, most people were on the dance floor. “Grown ups” that had spent their hard earned money, carefully trying to throw basketballs and shoot ducks to win soft toys, then carried them onto the dance floor. How cute.

The soft toys were then held up high above their heads where they proceeded to rip their guts out! I looked over at one point and thought someone was blowing bubbles to dance under, then I realised it looked like polystyrene balls and I made the connection.

When one saw it, then the others started doing it. No stuffed animal was safe unless you were clinging to it, off the dance floor. I probably should have been laughing. As a primary teacher, I just thought of the waste! And as a drunk person, I was picking up soft toy body parts and holding an abondoned leg up here and there asking boys…

Is this your leg? Did you lose a leg? Do you think this (soaking wet) foot is lucky?

The boys reached out their hands to twirl me around. Not one twirl, repetitive twirls. Not one boy, three boys were trying to twirl me. Why would I want to be twirled whilst drinking beer? But okay, I’ll give this a go and try and make conversation. What a waste of time.

One boy that was prepared to make conversation was also very handsy but he seemed nice enough. Every time I thought ‘he might be fun’ in a non creepy way (again, compared to others. For example, one guy was walking around with a small sign that said ‘will you have sex with me?’) he then put the same moves on my best friend. So he kept going back and forth with my taken friend trying to re-direct him back to me. We made plans for an after party but ended up walking out together when it was over. I had asked him if he wanted to put my phone number in his phone but thought he mustn’t have heard me. He stayed with me for while and I thought he had made his choice when he went back over to my friend. Together, we had to spell it out to him.

“You can’t have both of us. You have to choose one girl and stick with her and make her feel special. (To which he groaned ‘Noooooo.’)

We are not both going to be with you.”

He finally got the message so left to wait for a tram home with his friend! When the tram still hadn’t arrived and we were waiting at the lights he said to me “You can have me til the tram arrives.”

Oh my goodness.

I’m glad I didn’t think I was going to find my dream man at this event. Back to online dating it is! It appears that guys think they can have multiple women in real life too though.

My single vows

I have lost count of the amount of weddings I’ve been to over the years. Up until last night, the last one was about 3 years ago and there was not one single man there- none!

Getting ready for the latest wedding event, I suddenly thought

‘I might be the last single person left. What if the bride calls for the single ladies to catch the bouquet and it’s just me?!’

I tried to prepare myself for that moment and to find the courage to strive forward with conviction that I was single and proud. Luckily that moment never came. The bride didn’t throw her bouquet so we never had to find out who was still single. Let’s face it, why give away a gorgeous bouquet and the girl that catches it never gets married next!

I’ve written my own single vows.

I promise that I will never feel like half a person as I don’t have a partner.

I will take every opportunity to try new things, seek adventure, make new friends and enjoy the freedom that single life allows.

I will always love my baby, Sophie the dog, no matter how bad she smells and keep trying to find the source of her numerous allergies.

I will set myself up for success so that I can’t be a failure.

I’ve also imagined my partners vows! Yep, that’s what happens after hearing so many other people declare their love for each other’s little annoying personal traits or cute couple habits.

The importance of strength and resilience

I started hormone injections for fertility treatment this week.

As a type 1 diabetic, I already have 4 injections a day (More with yummy snacks). On Monday, I ended up having 7 injections! It started with the Bemfola hormone and my regular insulin at breakfast, followed with an injection for a yummy chocolate snack, lunch injection, afternoon snack injection, dinner injection and night time insulin injection….yikes.

I’m okay with needles because I have to be. If I don’t have them, I’ll die. So I wasn’t nervous about injecting the hormones. It’s certainly a longer needle though- 12mm. I don’t think that 7 injections a day is healthy though, emotionally or physically, so after that Monday surviving a challenging day at work I told myself I’d cut out the in-between snacks.

On Wednesday morning, I woke up with some pain in my upper stomach and I thought ‘well, it’s really happening now. This must be my ovaries.’ In the shower I then noticed some bruising, ‘shit!’ Luckily before I started to panic, a vague memory came back to me of leaning over the front fence last night. It all came back to me! I had jumped up to lean my body over the fence to get a look at the front of a real estate sign that was put up when I was at work, blocking my view. My ovaries weren’t in pain or bruised. My stupidity was bruising.

On Thursday, I started a further injection (Orgalutran) to halt the ovulation process and continue to develop the eggs. Now 6 injections a day, without snacks.

I’ve got another week to go. But it’s just a week. Throughout my 8 years as a diabetic, I would have loved some time off from injections. We often find strength that we didn’t even know we have. We have to.

To celebrate getting through all of my injections as a diabetic that I have no choice over, I’ve got two tattoos that were in my control.

The first tattoo I got is of a little starfish. A starfish symbolises resilience, surviving tough and timultuous times, like the sea, and of regeneration. If a starfish looses a leg, it grows another one! As a diabetic, we have to be resilient and although our bodies heal slower than normal, after injecting into our stomaches and finger pricking to test our blood, we do heal. I keep injecting and I keep healing. Like a little starfish, I will keep rejuvenating.

My second tattoo is of a wolf for strength. This one was after a period of bad test results and I was struggling to stay motivated to work hard and keep my blood sugar at the right level. Diabetics don’t actually heal the same when blood sugar levels are over 10mmol so I told myself that if I could get it under this and more in control, I could get another tattoo. It ended up cooinciding with my 7 year anniversary and I celebrated having administered approx 10,000 injections! This tattoo is on my leg, and whilst I cried for a full day with regret afterwards, it’s there to remind me that I can be strong.

Fishing for information

I currently work as a Primary Teacher but my previous career was in Recruitment and Human Resources so I can talk to anyone, about anything! However it’s not a good sign when I hold up the conversation from both ends during a date. Maybe I over talk because of nerves. I think it’s also an indication that my date isn’t that into me. It’s certainly telling when they don’t ask me as many questions or can’t be bothered asking me anything!

I recently met a man for a date in the park walking our dogs and conversation flowed as we got to know each other. However I realised I was doing it again. I was asking all the questions. Telling him things without being asked.

We were talking about street art and making connections, I offered up that I have two tattoos. Let’s think about the art of conversation….he might ask….

Where are they?

What are they of?

Why did you get them?

But instead….. nothing!

The date continued on and we had a few beers but afterwards, I didn’t hear from him again. So to me, who is asking the questions is important.

A lot of online dating and apps now don’t have forms that you have to complete with information to join. The disadvantage with that is that it leaves all the questions to when you match with them!

However the apps that only match you based on questions don’t necessarily find people that you’re attracted to.

Common questioning is

Where do you live?

How long have you been single?

What are you looking for?

Do you want to come to my place or I can come to yours? (Stranger danger)

I’ve also been asked

Do you live alone? (Creepy!)

I just joined Plenty of Fish, POF (again) to see if I would get more conversations and dates than Bumble. POF doesn’t have a location filter but the age range can be applied as well as a lot of fields-

  • Height
  • Body type
  • Wants kids, has kids, does not
  • Ethnicity
  • Job title
  • Income range
  • Religion
  • Intent (casual, dating, relationship, marriage),
  • Education level
  • Smoking status
  • Drinking habits
  • Personality type
  • Star sign
  • Eye colour
  • Pets
  • Language
  • Longest relationship
  • Ambitious-ness

It also shows ‘about me’ and ‘conversation starters’ that they’ve come up with.

I think that soooo much information is supplied, it’s almost harder to start a conversation as you’d look a bit stupid if you ask a getting-to-know-you question about info that’s already been supplied. So does it overcome the basic small talk for status info that Bumble and Tinder takes hours to determine they are the wrong type of fish, or does it create a different problem for conversations? Hopefully it does alleviate the small talk and can fast track to the important stuff.

It tells me that in under 24 hours that 160 guys are interested in me! None have sent me a message to say hi or ask a question 🤔😫😭

With all these info fields available, these 99+ guys are just using the Russian Roulette type swiping feature. Come on guys, put in some effort to getting to know us. We are worth it!