Mr Big

I had my first Hinge app date last weekend with Mr Big. He described himself as 6 foot 3 inches but didn’t have many full body photos. He used words like lovely and proper sentences when chatting. The famous Mr Big from Sex and the City is notorious for being Carrie’s love of her life but also seriously noncommittal. I hoped he’d bring some excitement but not be that hard to get.

We hadn’t chatted online for long as I wanted to see what he was like in person. Earlier that day I had my nails done and therefor had nothing to do but sit and think. I ran through some date conversations and thought through some insightful answers to ‘why are you still single?’ and ‘how would you describe yourself?’, ‘tell me about your family’ and even ‘what’s it like being a teacher?’

He asked me…. nothing!

The date began finding a table in the air-conditioned pub as it was 38 degrees and organising beer. He then spent ten minutes telling me about his favourite TV show ‘American Gods’ and talking over my shoulder. Well he certainly wasn’t looking me in the eyes.

He said get me any beer. My approach was that at least I’d enjoy two beers if nothing else- I’ll get the first and then he can buy me one. If it’s not going well, we part ways. Well that’s a bit like the drunk trying to decide whether to drive or not… you think you’re not impaired and all is well. So after two, we said let’s find a spot on the water for another beer! We also need food. This is probably where it went wrong (if we didn’t already know in the first five minutes).

We surprisingly got in to Arbory, a very popular floating bar on the Yarra river but it was clear from the start there would be no seats- standing room only. I couldn’t imagine him casually standing and sipping a beer, and us both squeezing into a corner somewhere, he was big. Tall but also had quite a girth. I had a game plan. We made our way to the toilets to suss out the layout and on the way there he walked behind and placed his hand on my hip (Controlling, possessive? It was nice! Bit of a spark, of a spark). The short walk pushing our way through the crowd made up our minds that this wasn’t going to work here, let’s move on.

The problem with leaving one place on a Friday night with the after work crowds on a great summers evening is you’re pretty much shit out of luck finding anywhere else to get in. We ended up at TGI Friday’s! TGI bloody Friday’s. Clearly impaired. Hungry.

He squeezed into a booth with him remarking “isn’t there any normal tables?” We quickly ordered more beer and food. The food wasn’t good. The ambiance for a date was appalling. We were by the river but we could have been in a shopping centre. I can’t even remember what we talked about here. He started yawning. At one point he threw into conversation that he didn’t really know what he was looking for. I realised the initial excitement of the unknown possibilities had quickly died.

I walked him to his train station, possibly trying to overcome the fact that we’d just been to TGIs, and stood on my tippy toes to plant a quick kiss on his mouth goodbye. As I turned to walk away, he giggled!

Photo by burak kostak on Pexels.com

It’s been a week now and we haven’t spoken. Neither of us cares enough to even say I don’t think we should pursue another date. The whole evening, he spoke at me. I spoke back of course, but he didn’t ask me any questions about myself. I learnt about his family, his housemates, his work, his friends….  was it nerves or he couldn’t even be bothered to get to know me? Do you know what, I’ve got nothing to lose here. I’m going to ask him! This will be an interesting social experiment… stay tuned.

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The princess saves herself

I’ve been following Mamamiaaus on Instagram and reading women’s posts about accepting yourself and baring it all in a bikini for summer no matter how you look. One post really resonated with me about ‘being brave’.

She has a really good point. Now I find myself criticising any reference of ‘brave’.

There’s a hilarious parody of The Greatest Showman ‘This is me’ by Mother’s. The lyrics include:

The laundry is piled all around

I’ll be brave

I’ll keep calm

And I’ll sing the clean up song

Laundry is not brave, to me. However, I think that brave is really personal -what’s brave to one person might not be brave to another. I’m not scared of spiders but to someone terrified of them, dealing with a spider probably required them to be brave!

I was given a book for Christmas: The Princess Saves Herself in this One by Amanda Lovelace. It’s a collection of poems spanning her life that includes loneliness, abuse, disorders, trauma, diseases and love! It has a trigger warning at the start and a dedication “thank you for inspiring me to be the girl who survived.” This princess was brave. Not only did she survive, she wrote a book:

Amanda Lovelace

Our personal definition of brave needs to evolve and develop over time. It’s only brave to deal with a spider for so long, maybe the first few times. I believe that as resilience and strength develops you can face more and more obstacles and become ‘braver.’

As per the description above from Mamamiaaus, I’m brave dealing with a incurable, complex disease (battling a chronic illness- type 1 diabetes). When people say they are terrified of needles, I feel brave. When I can’t get my blood sugars under control and I’m so sick of it all, I feel I’m strong, because I have to be. If I don’t do it, I die. Is that brave?

Did any of you watch Andrew Denton’s interview with Amanda Lindhout? She was a Canadian journalist in Somalia in 2008 and endured physical atrocities after being kidnapped and regularly abused. She was held in captivity for 15 months! She came out of it alive and now lives by the mantra “I choose peace. I choose freedom. I choose forgiveness.” The only way she made it through was with resilience and optimism. She was bloody brave. 

Fighting for a better life inspires bravery. These warrior women save others.

The princess can save herself but if you can be inspired by others I think you will find that your bravery will go off the chart!

Are these women being brave wearing a bikini? Yes, they are being brave for themselves. I’m proud of them for challenging the skinny social norms and being happy with who they are. They might inspire others to be brave to wear a bikini. You have to save yourself before you can save others. What’s more inspiring for me at the moment is the hardships that others have had to endure. Take Malala Yousafzai’s new book- We Are Displaced: My Journey and Stories from Refugee Girls Around the World. Imagine what these women have had to endure! Thinking about their lives, I’m not brave injecting insulin each day. That’s easy in comparison, I’ve got this. Now, what else can I face…. onwards!

It hinges on this

The best things in life are free…… so they say. Well I’m now a free subscriber to Hinge, a reasonably new dating app. It’s done away with the swipe left or right phenomenon and instead asks you to like, or decline, users pictures and personal information.

For example, IF (come on Geordan, seriously) this was your thing, you would like it and can comment. I guess it’s maybe, very loosely, a conversation starter.

I in-real-life liked this topless picture but know it’s no good for me so hit x on the app.

You get 10 likes a day (America’s day time). This will be good for me so that I can’t go wildly swiping anymore – throwback to 200+ profiles! 

I reminded myself that the girl I’d hired in a moment of weakness, the bosomy, loud, tittering niece of Thilda’s, could have oiled the hinges (of the shop). Alberta… was at a long since marriageable, perhaps overripe, age, a pear just a bit too soft that would soon tumble to the ground under the weight of its own juices. She was not in possession of anything else that made her especially attractive, with the exception of said bosom. She was so ripe for the picking that she behaved as if every single person of the male persuasion that stepped in the shop was her intended.

(Maya Lunde, The History of Bees)

Is this me?????

Was the mad swiping of my past an attempt to find any male as my intended?

No, I have to remind myself there was a lot I declined and will continue to decline. But 10 likes a day will keep a lid on things and make sure I pick quality ‘applicants.’

I’m definitely bosomy too. Bosomy makes me picture chubby and very voluptuous, ney, if not, dare I say it, overweight-

But this is the ‘bosomy’ I’d like to be-

Hinge asks for your height, age, location, drinking and smoking preferences and interest in children but NOT your body type. Guess that’s why all the guys feel the need to post topless selfies, gym poses and this app even allows videos! So yep, I’ve already seen topless workouts. Thanks guys.

So I’ve turned online dating into a drinking game. Play along…

Needless to say, probably best to play on a weekend. I drank four beers playing Monday night…. happy fishing!

The challenge

I’ve detoxed off dating apps for a month. It actually feels amazing!

I wanted to work on myself without distractions. Imagine if I gave myself the same time and effort I’ve put into online dating. Let’s face it, the never ending cycle of men that don’t reply, sleazy come ons and small talk was exhausting.

Power is making decisions (The Outlaw King)

The first week off dating apps, I still needed a ‘hit’ from my phone. I was so used to checking it and notifications going off, I started messaging people more. I was proud of myself for starting conversations with people that I might not have if I was busy with dating apps. Then I realised…. I’m not chatting with ‘people’, I’m chatting with men. Single men. Single male friends. I’d just substituted Bumble for Messenger!

I eased off Messenger. Whatsapp became my next forum but at least I was communicating with girlfriends.

Matthew Hussey has some good advise on dating but also about being your best self. He set challenges for things to try….

The first time I walked past a good looking stranger- epic fail!

I found myself automatically looking down, or looking anywhere else, than directly at them.

As I live in an inner city, busy, beachside area there’s plenty of good looking strangers to practise on. Now that I’ve got my head held high and I’m trying to make eye contact, I may seem like a smiling psycho…..but I’m hoping it starts to become more natural!

I’m struggling with this one. I talk to strangers when I’m walking the dog and I’m nice but I don’t think that counts. I’ll have to keep an eye out for an opportunity.

I registered for Social Sixes (Cricket Victoria).

I didn’t go.

But I have lots of ideas for activities to try in the summer holidays.

Have I got fitter and healthier in the last month? No. I’ve drank more beer and eaten more chips than ever before.

Have I had a nice break from the dating merry-go-round, swiping R.S.I., bad spelling, mixed messages, and filthy suggestions? Yes. Let’s call it a success!

Smart Fishing

I’ve been told that men need to feel needed. So some clever ladies go out of their way to get them to do things for them. Miss Independent here hasn’t gone about things like that but hey, it hasn’t really worked out for me in the man department. Before I get back out there again after my break online, maybe I need to do things differently.

A good fisherman is prepared and ensures they have the right equipment.

Um, what? This is what comes up when you google smart fishing!

Okay, let’s get back on track.

To be successful fishing, you need all the right equipment.

To go fishing for a good man, you’ll need the right fishing tackle. I better get organised –

1. Comfortable heels

On one date we ended up walking around the city (it felt like for an hour) looking for Korean BBQ that didn’t have an hour long queue.

2. A clean house

When I catch the fish, I’ll need somewhere to put it.

3. A sexy top

My friends used to call it a 100% outfit- something that makes you feel confident and you would then have a 100% success rate of having a good night out.

4. A cheese knife for the perfect picnic date

Reminder- Don’t take the dog. Many a beach picnic destroyed.

5. Condoms- if it’s not on, it’s not on.

6. Fishing bod

I’m always picking on myself for not having the hottest body. We’ve got to be kind to ourselves. Just be confident. Confidence is sexy, they say.

7. A boat

Nooooo, but a “life raft” is useful. I try to have a friend I can confide in or get advise about dating experiences. We need to stay strong on our values and sometimes the online dating vortex can suck you in and spit out a different person. I find if I can have a laugh about it or get a girlfriend to help me say yes or no, it’s a lot easier to stay resilient.

8. Screen time

Just like kids may only be allowed 20 minutes screen time, I’m going to set myself some boundaries for adult screen time. You could ask yourself- How long do I want to spend swiping? How long will I chat to someone without meeting?

9. Lures

Would you be able to help me with my washing machine? What do I do when the taps are dripping?

Urgh, I hate that idea!

What about…

Hey I’ve got a spare ticket to see a comedian next week that my friend can’t make it to. Want to help me out and come along instead?

10. Bail out bucket

I need to ensure that I keep doing the things I enjoy, and have some social activities to keep me busy. I also think it’s a good idea to make a bucket list to go back to and have some future plans to look forward to.

I used to be able to list at least ten amazing, single women. There just wasn’t any amazing single men to set them up with. Today, it’s like the final frontier. Like 3:25am, before the lights come on at a nightclub…. people are finding someone to grab on to. As I approach my 38th birthday, I’m STILL SINGLE!

S.I.N.G.L.E

Sassy

Independent

Nice girls finish last?

Get amongst it

Lads and larrikins

Eeny, meeny, miny, moe- swipe right or left to say no!

NO-vember

I’ve had three serious relationships in the past but they all said no, no, no.

No, I haven’t started dinner even though I’ve been home from work for three hours before you.

No, I haven’t brought the washing in or done anything with it as my Mum always did that for me.

No, I can’t go out with you and your friends because my footy team is playing.

No, I won’t see you much this weekend as cricket is life.

No, I don’t feel like going for a walk with the dog.

No, I don’t want to go to the beach. I want to watch the game on replay.

No, I’m tired.

No, I don’t know how I feel anymore.

No, I don’t want to be with you anymore and I’ve cheated on you.

Recently, I hit it off with Mr Suave (before he ghosted me) but he was also a ‘no’ man!

No, I don’t like dress up parties.

No, I don’t like fishing.

No, I don’t like dogs that bound up to me as they get in the way. (WTF?!)

No, I would never catch a bus.

No, I don’t like historical fiction, just documentaries.

No, I don’t like walking along the street when it’s busy, they are all tourists and need to get out of my way!

Now, I’m saying ‘no’! I want a yes man.

I want someone that says ‘yes’, I’ll do that. Yes, I’ll go there. Yes, I’d like that. Yes, that would be fun. However if I put that on my online profile, it sounds a bit kinky.

Jim Carey is a bit annoying when he’s being overly dramatic but I like the idea of the movie ‘Yes man’. He has to say yes to everything!

It would go something like-

Yes, let’s get tickets to that festival.

Yes, I want to play tennis with you.

Yes, let’s go for a walk along the beach with the dog.

Yes, I’ll make you dinner.

Yes, you are an amazing little starfish!

And Zooey Deschanel would play me in the movie.

I went on the Bumble dating app to read a few profiles for ideas and in less than five minutes, this is how many guys said yes to me!

With no info (at all) on my profile and only one photo, they must be saying yes to everyone. So I really need a guy that says yes to me, but no to everyone else.

I have swipe fatigue- I’m tired of trying to figure out whether to say yes or no and whether they will then say yes or no to me. When I’m ready to swipe again, I’ll try to find my yes man.

NO-vember = no swiping.

What do you wish a man would say ‘yes’ to?

Mansplained

‘Mansplaining’ is when a man tries to explain something to a woman that she already understands, but from his point of view. It’s often condescending, overconfident or totally inaccurate! This mansplained is man speak explained when dating. I will translate common phrases or questioning when dating.

I’m really busy at the moment.

– You are not a priority. I’ll get to you when I get to you, if I do. 

I’m just seeing what’s out there.

– This is the equivalent of girls shopping and ‘just looking’. They really don’t want anything or don’t know what they want. They are just attracted by the cuts and colours. 

I’m a bricklayer/concreter on winter holidays, it’s too wet to work.

-I get paid as a casual and can’t be bothered to pick up full time work so I stay at home smoking and drinking when I don’t feel like it. Might have a side job dealing drugs. 

My next door neighbour arrested for drugs was a concreter on winter holidays

Where do you live?

-How easy will it be to booty call you?

How long have you been single?

-Have you still got game? Or will you be a stage one clinger?

I’m looking for a gym buddy.

-You must already be fit and hot and admire my muscles. You’ll come to the gym with me so we can both show off together. 

Do you want to come to my place?

-I’m trying to work out how easy you are.

Do you like camping?

-How high maintenance are you and will you rough it (whilst still looking hot)?

What do you do on weekends?

-Do you have friends?

Do you play any sport? What footy team do you follow?

-Will you whinge and nag when I go to games? Can I take you to games with the boys?

Can you drive a manual car?

-You won’t be able to drive my car when I get pissed. 

Do you live near your work?

-You will be tired and grumpy every day. 

What time did you get home (Saturday night?)

-How much of a party animal are you?

I like banter.

-Will you talk dirty to me?

Been around the world, don’t speak the language
But your booty don’t need explaining
All I really need to understand is
When you talk dirty to me

Comment below for anything you need translating!

Baby, dance with me

When I was a little fish (18-24 years old) I loved clubbing and usually went out four nights a week! Dancing on top of podiums, or taking over the dance floor and belting out tunes. This was the sound track to my life and when I hear these songs played now, it takes me back to where I was that year, including what I was wearing.

In honour of NOT going to my 20th high school reunion this weekend, here’s five favourite dance songs from the naughty noughties:

2000– Can’t stop the Moonlight– Leanne Rhymes

I went on many a night club tour and danced on the bar like Coyote Ugly. That year all my clothes (and hopefully that of the time) was inspired by these girls. Fake leather pants and tiny tops. I also had a fake leather top and leopard print skirt that was a winner. Red pants and a tiny lace top. Damn, I wish I could pull that off now! Couldn’t even pull it on now.

2001– Dance with me –112

Singing at the top of my lungs “choc tops in the parking lot.” Turns out he was waiting in his convertible. Well I think choc tops is much more realistic.

I see you looking at me
I can tell by your eyes that your feeling me
And I really want you to get close to me
So won’t you dance with me… Dance with me
My drop tops in the parking lot
And I wanna take you back to my spot
But we still got a little more time to rock
So won’t you dance with me… Dance with me!

1999–2004 – Be Faithful– Fatman Scoop

If you go anywhere that’s playing hip hop, they will play this song! I’ve been dancing to it for over 14 years now. I would have danced to it every Thursday night 2000-2003 when I hadn’t started my professional career yet. You knew you were guaranteed to hear this one during the night and they often played ‘I’ve had the time of my life’ (Dirty Dancing) to wind down the night at 3:30am.

Fatman Scoop is so widely played that Australia’s new Prime Minister made reference to it only 3 weeks into his job, getting himself in hot water over the lyrics. He must have been trying hard to get a laugh as we didn’t vote him in.

Of course I liked this song, singing and making up awesome dance moves. Everyone loves a good audience participation opportunity.

Single ladies! I can’t hear ya! (Cupping my hand to my ear)
Single ladies! Make noise! (Miming a megaphone with my hands)

All the chickenheads, be quiet! (bobble head)

All the good lookin’ women sing along… (bump and grind)

If you’ve got long hair, put your hands up! (shake your hair, bobble head, hands up, bump and grind)

2002- Dirty- Christina Aguilera

Well this is a fan fave of everyone’s. When I was out with male friends they said they love this song too because when it comes on, all the girls turn slutty. The song didn’t do so well on the radio but I’m sure the film clip was well watched as she danced and ‘fought’ in the tiniest of bikinis in a fighting ring. We burned up the dance floor gyrating along as well. I loved her album ‘Stripped’ with both the CD and DVD regularly played, inspiring me with songs- Fighter, Beautiful, Underappreciated and The Voice Within. I died my hair black and wore it long, curly and messy.

2008 – Low- Flo Rida and T Pain

Apple bottom jeans, boots with the fur. The whole club was looking at her

Apparently this is the look that T Pain likes….. well boots with the fur in Australia has to be uggboots! No wonder the whole club was looking. You might get away with going down to the shops in your Uggs but not a club. But then she hits the floor and is so low and such an amazing dancer that no one cares. I always thought I was singing the wrong lyrics with ‘apple bottom’ but turns out I wasn’t! We then sing ‘Baggy sweat pants, Reboks with the straps’…. well this is the look that Flo Rida likes. No wonder I thought Uggboots on the dance floor was acceptable in this song.

As an Elder Millenial, I didn’t have a digital camera or smart phone during this time. If there’s no photos on social media, did it even happen? Yes, it did! For my 20th birthday night club tour, the host took photos and sent me printed photos a week later.

Whales communicate in song and the just like them, I feel strongly about having music in my life. It’s so powerful. It can lift you up or help you chill out. Luckily I’m surrounded by amazing people at work that love to sing and my sister will have a good sing along too. Enjoy some fun music this weekend and get jiggy with it (Thanks Will Smith)!

Get a life

I was told me a couple of months ago to ‘get a life’. It wasn’t said to be mean or upset me but it did upset me, at first. My immediate reaction is ‘what the heck is he talking about?’. I’ve got lots of friends and I’m always out and about, I’ve travelled, I’ve partied, I’ve had a couple of failed relationships, I’ve lived.

I’ve participated in many rites of passage including my ‘Wild West’ themed 21st party, concerts and festivals every year.

Went on a Rumspringa Contiki tour(s)- 8 countries in 15 days through Europe and then New Zealand.

Worked the Ritual customer service jobs and those three days working in a sand paper factory. (Working at Blockbuster Video- the kids wouldn’t even understand)

Vision quests- island hopping including drink, dance, sleep (repeat) at a full moon party in Koh Phangan – finding out a month later that all the sleeping was due to being diabetic!

Obligatory jumping out of a perfectly good plane.

Feeling like I was going to plummet to my death from ‘treetop adventures’.

Surviving the weird and wonderful food in China and walking… no, climbing…. no, hands and feet crawling up the steep stairs on the Great Wall of China to drink a warm beer at the top!

Discovering what it’s like to live the song Bangarang, experiencing a 17 hour sleeper train in China and again in Vietnam- sliding forwards, backwards, side to side and up and down over the train tracks in bed.

So how have I not got a life? Oh, failed relationships….

I may have a big social network and exciting adventures but I’m not making a life for myself with my own family….it was my Dad who said it to me. My kind and caring Mumma and Pappa just want me to be happy and make sure I’ve got someone else in my life.

Well it’s not exactly from a lack of trying. Mr Suave ghosted me after five dates. ICE COLD SUAVE.

I’m quite nice and often sweet (or raging, there’s becoming less in between and I’ve been told I’m cute. However I want to be fierce!

Men might not like ‘fierce’ but if I’m to get a life, and that’s not with a partner, then I want to be doing and saying things that have impact.

Get a life you’re proud of.

I’m passionate about equality and girls empowerment but previously felt a bit useless trying to change the world. I came across One girl and their Do it in a dress fundraiser.

From what I understand, Primary School ceases at 10 years old in Africa. So what do girls do then? They either have to look after the home and the rest of the family, find work, or (most likely) be sold by the family into marriage. This then leads to mistreatment by their much older husbands and certainly isn’t a life I’d wish for anyone!

For $300, a girl can continue her education with a scholarship for a year. So I wore a dress to my school, as a teacher, to meetings, walking the dog and to Pilates to raise money. Not only did I raise $845 but what was incredible was that 15 students were inspired to wear a dress and fundraise as well.

Five young boys joined in the cause. These boys are only 10 years old and were prepared to take the laughs and smash the stereotypes of wearing a dress to try and change the world and fight for equality. I was so proud of them!!

Together, we raised almost $4,000.

How to lose a guy in 7 days

This is my follow up to How to lose a girl in 7 days. But I’m certainly not an expert in guys. They don’t seem to communicate very well….. so WHO KNOWS?! Please help us out guys. There’s probably twenty things a girl could critique and thinks she could have done better but you’ve left no clues for us to actually figure it out. It’s a riddle with no answers.

If you’ve seen the TV series Imposters, each time someone is scammed they leave a video that says things like:

“You must be very confused.”

“You will never see me again”.

“You will ask yourself a lot of questions.”

“You will replay every moment we had together. You will begin to doubt everything you know…. you will begin to doubt yourself. It’s very normal.”

“Don’t try to find me, you will never find me. Don’t put yourself through that. Leave it be… move on with your life”

“You are a good person or this wouldn’t have happened to you. You will find love again. You will find happiness.”

If only guys could say things like that to us, it would be so much better than nothing. Of course there is no such video message in real life. So what goes wrong?

The Dating Struggle identifies five types of single women.

1. Bag lady (negative comments towards men)
2. Vixen
3. The king of her castle (career driven)
4. Desperate wanna be housewife
5. Miss Picky

It basically sums us all up except that I can’t identify with just one of them, I think I have bits of them all.

From a man’s perspective (read or watch with an open mind!) 10 types of women you should never date:

1. The dumb girl
2. The princess
3. The financial disaster (this applies to men too)
4. Sloppy drunk chick
5. Super jealous girl
6. A stripper
7. The women who only has gay men as friends
8. The my-daddy-buys-me-everything chick
9. The Tiege Hanly hair (doesn’t want the man to have better hair than her)
10. The bitch

When you are going through the getting-to-know-you process online, I wouldn’t mention:

• Significant illness or injury until they have gotten to know you
• Money issues
• “Drama”
• Too much dog talk
• Taking more than 6 hours to respond (Believe it or not- Bumble statistics that they lose interest)
• More than one girl is in your photo
• False advertising- fake hair, fake tan, fake (chicken fillet inserts) boobs

We definitely have personality types online. I would say these are the following types of women (and again I’m parts of them all):

1. Humorous
2. Sarcastic smart ass
3. Nice and sweet
4. Sexy banter
5. Independent (difficult to catch as they know they are strong by themselves)
6. Dependent (really wants to be in a relationship and values husband and kids over the best match- nothing wrong with this)

I write this in case you are doing something obvious and have never thought about it before and wonder what goes wrong. Most of the time, it’s not us, it’s them! When they can’t communicate openly, we will never know, so don’t second guess yourself. I try not to lose myself in the riddle that’s wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma (Winston Churchill quote) and downward spiral. Stay strong that you are amazing. Someone will appreciate you. 

It’s survival of the fittest (mentally) to get through the online profiles, survive the chats, meet for multiple dates and find a good match. Sometimes it is a good match but they are also dating multiple women and are spoilt for choice.

I’m thinking you have no interest in getting to know a gal 🤷🏻‍♀️

If he’s not treating you well or it doesn’t feel right- you need to lose him! I still believe that when the right one comes along it won’t be this hard, hopefully. As the ‘Imposters’ say- Always forward, never backwards. 

I hope you catch some good fish this weekend!

Catch of the day

I was giggling with my colleagues at dinner after work about the sexy waiter serving us when my male colleague asked ‘hang on, aren’t you taken now?’ Taken?! I’m more likely to be kidnapped and taken away, than a man taking me to be his girlfriend!

I haven’t made this statement because I’m not worthy, but I feel that we are on the cusp of a big change in social norms. Divorce rates are high, ladies are having babies later on in life, its now legal to marry same sex partners, and online dating means that men have access to thousands of women and choices. Bumble online dating now has more information on potential matches showing everything from religion, desire for children and what kind of relationship they are looking for.

I should be a catch of the day. However, 42 year old men are posting under Relationship? ‘Don’t know yet’. Children? Undecided. If they don’t know at 42, then they are either not being honest or will probably never know what they want.

I don’t know yet

Wants relationship but not kids

Wants relationship and kids

And I have to share this catch of the day with you- gross! Seriously dude, you are trying to attract a mate, not a shark.

What a catch 😬

I thought Mr Suave was a catch of the day. So I was trying to put my best foot forward. But you know that saying about the best laid plans…. On my third date with Mr Suave I forgot my bank card. On my fourth date, I forgot my insulin! He handled it all like the gentleman he is. I was so embarrassed about the big reveal I made about diabetes though.

Usually I wait for the right moment to talk about having diabetes (never), or go in with a laissez-faire attitude (let people do and think as they please). I had kept it discreet until now and went out to dinner care free, skipped off to the toilets after eating to inject my insulin….. no insulin. I handled the next part cool as a cucumber and announced to him ‘sorry, I’ve forgotten some medication and will have to go home and get it.’ No problem to him and luckily we were five minutes from my house. What I did next was not cool.

He stayed in the hallway whilst I went through to the kitchen and got out a new insulin pen. It had been after a pint of beer so I pop back into the hallway and announce…

Well, this is my big secret! I’m diabetic!

You dick head, Little starfish. Luckily the rest of the date went well and was incident free. But it didn’t come up again which was a bit strange. He was also very quiet over text message for the next few days. Hmmmm, maybe he no longer thinks I’m a good catch. I ended up texting him..

Hey, diabetes isn’t my big secret. It just hasn’t come up before.

Mr Suave came over for Netflix and chill for our fifth date.

He said goodbye with ‘I don’t know when I’m going to see you again. I won’t be able to see you for two weeks.’

‘That’s fine’, I replied politely with a smile.

F.I.N.E

Feelings in need of expression.

You didn’t ask what I have on in the coming weeks, so maybe I don’t have time for you!

I’m not interesting enough to slot in on the weekend?

In fairness, he had told me earlier that he’ll be working late or long hours for his new job as they undertake on-the-job-training for the next two weeks.

Time will tell if I get thrown back into the ocean. And if he is the one for me. Part of me says if he isn’t interested enough to ask me more about diabetes, he isn’t that interested…..

The Paper Bag Princess

There’s been two Royal weddings of late- Meghan and Harry and recently Princess Eugenie. Meghan and Harry have just made their way to Australia where they excitedly announced their baby news and met hoards of Primary School students. Why? So the kids become emotionally invested in their lives, respect and love them and won’t want to leave the Commonwealth when they grow up. That’s one of my theories anyway. Yet, as girls grow into women, we want them to be more realistic about their lives and rather than hope to fall in love with a prince, or be rescued by a prince, they can recognise fairy tales from hard work, strength and resilience.

“The paper bag princess” by Robert Munsch is a must read for a girl of any age! It’s a tale that starts off with the typical characters- a prince, princess (well, his fiance) and a dragon. However it is the prince that gets kidnapped by the dragon and needs rescuing by the princess! She hurriedly gets dressed to save him and wears only a paper bag to run after him and attempt to outwit the dragon.

When she encounters the dragon, Elizabeth outwits him by asking him to perform feats of strength until he passes out. Elizabeth then passes the dragon and goes to save Ronald. However, when Ronald sees Elizabeth in a paper bag, rather than beautiful princess clothes, he is aghast. Ronald yells at Elizabeth to come back when she looks like a “real princess”. Our heroic Paper Bag Princess swiftly replies by saying, “You look like a real Prince, but you are a bum.” She takes off her crown, and gleefully dances into the sunset. (Credit: https://www.teachingchildrenphilosophy.org/BookModule/ThePaperBagPrincess)

This paper bag princess is now single but strong! I can identify with Elizabeth as I want to meet someone that accepts me as I am. If I have to change to please him, then I am not going to please myself. After being gaslighted in a previous relationship, I truly believe that you need to be happy in yourself, with yourself, by yourself.

When dating and speaking to friends about trying to meet someone, I’ve been given the following advise:

• Write a list of everything that you want in a partner and it will come true. It has to be specific though, or it won’t come true
• Make space in your wardrobe and clear out a drawer for a future partner. When you have made the physical space, the partner will come
• Expand your age range, you need to go for older men (try a lot older)
• Try to meet men with kids
• You need to wear lipstick
• Get the ‘girls’ out (boobs)

When you do meet someone online, frequent questioning is along the lines of ‘What are you looking for?’ I’ve tried to communicate what I’m looking for in a couple of different ways as if you tell most guys that you want a relationships that’s a quick turn off and has them running for the hills! I’ve previously tried ‘casual but respectful’, and something like ‘looking for a connection’ or someone that wants to get to know me.

I’ve been on four dates with Mr Suave now and neither of us have asked what the other is looking for. I think we are just enjoying getting to know each other. I have put in some effort with hair, make up and clothes and get nervous putting myself out there with high school type doubts ‘what if he doesn’t like me?’. On each occasion I’ve forced any doubts away and reassured myself ‘just be yourself, you are worth getting to know.’

I’ve just realised that I’m not looking for a relationship. Well not just any relationship. If I was, I’d be happy to go out with anyone that was single that I could pair up with. I’m the paper bag princess. I want someone to like me just the way I am. If that’s make -up free in my PJ’s then that’s my paper bag. I’m happy to rescue my prince but he also needs to be respectful, kind, and appreciate me. I certainly don’t need to be rescued…I am single but strong.

Off I go, gleefully dancing into the sunset.

Photo by luizclas on Pexels.com

Chalk and cheese

I had two dates last weekend!!!! Go me! They were as different as chalk and cheese- what a strange expression. I thought the same as http://www.phrases.org.uk “There must be many pairs of things that are more different than chalk and cheese.” They claim it’s popularity is as simple as they are short and snappy words that alliterate. I’m going to work on coming up with another one.

Mr Suave was from an online dating app, the other was a ‘blind date’ (of course we checked each other out on Facebook first) set up by friends. Where Suave was tall, the other was short. Suave had dark hair, the other was greying. Suave had beers with me, the other coffee. Suave went halvies on the costs, the other let me pay. Suave lives within a reasonable distance, and the other is an hours drive away. Okay, it’s clear who I’m leaning towards.

At school, we teach the kids to identify similarities and differences, and usually make them put it in a Venn diagram! It’s also a reading strategy to compare and contrast which allows them to understand the book better and make real life connections. So what did these guys have in common that made them a good match for me?

They were similar in that neither of them owned a pet but agreed dogs were better. They both had their own home (whether rented or owned, we didn’t go into it) and had good jobs. Stable work that they somewhat enjoy, most days. Interestingly, I didn’t go into their family situations and neither did they. I think that’s a sign that we didn’t need the small talk about who has siblings and what age they are. Both were able to hold their own, and conversation flowed along the standard path of ask a question, respond yourself with a story, ask another……

Both were respectful- they didn’t try to touch me up or talk dirty!

But Mr Suave had it all.

He dressed well for the date and looked great in a floral (I don’t care what you think, I’m man enough to pull this off as fun and happy) shirt and nice shoes. As we sat down with our beers, I asked a bustling table and group standing if they minded us sitting down next to them. He handled it cool, calm and collected when a very drunk guy leaned in and told us with a slur and a wobble that you should just take things and not ask as he might have said no. We talked and laughed our way merrily into a second drink and then agreed to a third at a different bar he wanted to check out over the road. The third beer then turned into an espresso martini that he ordered for me as I had said I love them. We made our way over to a comfy couch and moved closer as it had got colder. Then it starts to become a blur…. We leaned in for a kiss and he suggested….. dancing! So off we went, walking hand in hand down the street and when I complained about walking in my heels, he ordered a taxi the rest of the way apologising to the driver “Sorry man, I know it’s a short trip. I’ll pay you extra.”

At the club, he paid for both of our entry costs ($20 each) and put our jackets together in the cloak room. He bought me a coke as I said I’d really had enough and we danced and made out for the next hour or so. He laughed at me as I danced to The Nutbush (OMG, I can’t believe I did that on a date!) and I laughed at him as we both enjoyed S Club 7. When I went to the toilets and realised how messy I’d become, I told him I had to call it a night and he put me in a cab home. We text all the next day… and lived happily ever after. Ha ha. No, we’ll see………

Photo by Gabriel Augusto on Pexels.com

I didn’t put my best foot forward when I met my coffee date. I had drank too much with Mr Suave so I was still a bit tired and shaky. I’m not a morning person so I had dry shampooed my hair and I didn’t feel as banging as I had last night. Because of the alcohol, I also had a (diabetic) hypo during the date and whilst I tried to hide it, my speech wasn’t coming out the same and I couldn’t think of the right words. I might have got away with it as nervous and cute… but I probably also seemed like a downright drip! This date lasted an hour.

Chalk and Cheese.

I really like cheese- Mr Suave has to be the cheese!

How to lose a girl in 7 days

There’s a major disconnect between men and women’s expectations and how we communicate. When my first relationship was struggling, I read ‘Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.’ It was so insightful, I asked my partner to read it so we could discuss it and understand each other better. However, when we talked about it, he had interpreted it entirely different!

Craig David sings ‘7 days’ and the song starts off like he’s picking up a ‘lady of the night’ off the street but then he sings about caring for her, she’s a special lady, and can call him any time ”Cause I’m a man who’ll always be there (oh yeah)”.

“I met this girl on Monday.

Took her for a drink on Tuesday.

We were making love by Wednesday.

And then on Thursday and Friday and Saturday.

We chilled on Sunday.”

Women hear things like this and might think If I sleep with him, he will start to care for me. (Even though he’s said he just wants something casual.)

Men hear things like this and might think She’ll be happy to jump into bed with me even if we’ve just met and know nothing about each other. 

Online dating turn off’s:

• Bad photos– no smile/no teeth, not showing your eyes (the eyes are the window to the soul!), photos are 10 years old and you no longer look like that, photos of so many men we don’t know which one you are or photos of photos (what the?).
• Messaging multiple times before receiving a reply
• One word answers
• Not asking us any get-to-know-you questions
• Telling us how you like ‘IT’, without being asked (this includes unsolicited D pics)
• Work cover injury (The assumptions are that your job is unsafe, you are unsafe, or you are a con artist)
• Gambling debts (you can’t manage your finances or are addicted, you won’t be able to care for someone else’s life if you can’t manage your own)
• Living at home with your parents because there’s no work available ‘at the moment’ (as above)
• Lack of effort and poor first impression- no eye contact, very casual clothes. A friend once cut off a guy as he wore thongs (flip flops/jandles) to a date.
• Taking more than 3 days to reply. If you are interested, then respond to her messages in a timely manner!
• Anti-Feminist comments such as

“Girls are still single as they are far too independent these days. My (Italian) Mum takes care of the cooking and cleaning and looking after us as she loves it and has good family values.”

*It’s fine if a woman CHOOSES to look after a man. But she can also choose not to. My second relationship failed as I refused to do all the cooking, cleaning, wash and fold his clothes. I didn’t want to be like his Mother. I wanted a partner.

What turns you off??

Predators in the sea

Dating online is similar to life in the ocean with sharks circling their prey and the whirlpools of rubbish that keep getting swept around and around in circles with the currents. Bumble and Tinder dating apps are like Russian Roulette-it’s a seemingly random parade of profiles and pictures that keep popping up for you to choose from. But did you know that if you swipe long enough, you can keep seeing the same guys on the app? I mentioned in my last post that I saw over 20 that I’ve talked to before. And these guys are also on multiple apps.

Each time I join up to a new dating app, my ex pops up! In fact, he’s popped up 3 times on the same app. Even when you swipe left and say no, the same guys seem to come back around again.

On Tinder, people from high school pop up. On Bumble; my sisters ex, an ex colleague, a student’s Dad! And, a friends husband.

Men often send messages and before I respond, send me even more. Don’t be a pest or a predator. Read social cues. I’m all for having a go and putting yourself out there, but one message is enough already. I recently went out on a date and swapped numbers. I said to him, please don’t just text ‘Good morning’, I’m not big on lots of texts that don’t really say anything.

My Mum thinks I’m not trying hard enough to get matches or go on dates. That perhaps I’m too fussy. That I should give more people a go. I explained to a newly single friend that over the years I’ve had a range of flexible criteria that’s all produced undesirable results. #Types of fish

Now, I have to imagine being able to kiss them, or I say no. If I can first ensure I’m into their pics, then I can establish if I’m into their personality. I’d like to do it the other way around but online dating isn’t designed for that. Online dating also takes time! I’d spend all my spare time trying to review their profiles and then get nothing from them in return. But my friend thinks I should be more of a predator and go for it with more of them that have half decent pics and profiles. She joined an app and started recommending her matches to me!

When I’m walking my dog, I don’t want her to stop at EVERY tree or house, we just wouldn’t get anywhere. That’s the same theory I have about online dating. You have to find something to make some quick decisions on, go with your gut instinct and move on to see what happens next.

So who’s hunting who? Well ladies we do need to admit we are huntresses as well.

According to Iliza, we need to slow down a bit and make sure that someone can actually catch us! I think that I’m so used to being by myself I may be a bit like the gazelle that speeds along.

The only reason I don’t like the label ‘gazelle’ is due to my ex housemate who was entertaining a man one night with her sexual prowess and cried out loudly-

“I’m a gazelle!”

When talking to her the next morning I commented-

“You were very loud last night. You must have been having a good time?”

She replied-

“He was telling me all about his trip to Africa and the animals that he ate.”

….

Oh.

Speed dating

Online dating is starting to wear me down so I challenged myself to consider 200 guys in 7 days. My version of speed dating. One last energetic foray to see if I can burst through some of the barriers and get any results.

With a 25 km radius and age range of 35-42 years on Bumble, there seemed to be plenty of guys to look through. These guys had already looked at my profile and swiped right (yes) so if I liked their profile it was a guaranteed mutual match.

However, I was only into about 1 in 4 and swiped right for 54 of them.

Out of the 201 I said ‘no’ to, I had seen 23 of their profiles or chatted to them before! Two of them were in open relationships and stated that they were poly so there was no misunderstandings. As I continued on Sunday afternoon, I noticed that the distance of the matches grew significantly. One guy was 1 hour and 42 mins drive away in a place I’d never heard of! Bumble must expand the location so that you have always got matches. It’s kind but inconvenient.

That should have left me a lot of guys to talk to and plenty of dating options. Bumble requires the female to make the first contact and then the guys have 24 hours to respond or the match expires. Well, that meant that many of the matches disappeared. By Sunday night, I’m left with 13 that I have been talking to, and another 14 pending reply.

I’m talking with a puppy dog that I asked on a play date today, but he was busy.

I’m also talking with a (very well versed) 35 year old guy that I’ve planned to meet next Friday night for a drink in the city. This one excites me!

I turned down the guy who asked me over to his house on Thursday night to ‘play games’. Sometimes they turn me off straight away if I think that’s their M.O and don’t really care who I am. But this time, I tried to give him a chance. I get that the sexes communicate differently, maybe I shouldn’t be so quick to judge. You really need to stay true to your values though. I stand strong that I’m not going to go to a strangers house. If they want to meet me, then date me.

I feel confident that I will have two dates out of these matches. Let’s see what happens next…

	Yes	No
Monday	10	23
Tuesday
Wednesday	7	41
Thursday	8	33
Friday	7	18
Saturday
Sunday	24	86
TOTAL	54	201

Finding Nemo

For the school holidays, my goals were to go to the beach every day and do some writing every day. Instead, I have found myself on apps for hours at a time! The apps that sucked me in the most was Airtasker, Instagram, and Canvo. There’s some hilarious tasks on Airtasker and some really promising odd jobs to get some extra cash. I found myself applying for:

• Type up some old letters
• Write a timeline (A couple’s history)
• Letterbox Distribution
• Babysitting
• Resume and interview preparation
• Transcribe 30 one hour interviews

I had a great laugh at:

• Remove dead mouse- $50
• Buy me cigarettes- $30
• Buy and deliver Coles shopping – $5
• Buy and deliver Coles shopping (with the 17 specific items listed)- $30 and only offer made was $50!
• Write key selection criteria for a government job (spelled incorrectly) – $50
• Puppy time – $25
• Unload 40 foot container of noodles – $260
• Wait in line at the MCC for AFL grand final tickets from 4-7am- $100

I vowed to set myself some screen time rules and stop applying for these tasks as none of them came to fruition. After being ‘recommended for tasks’ and proceeding to the next stage, messages back and forth, three jobs were cancelled. I had rearranged my day for these. The ‘Letterbox distribution’ had me drive to a warehouse to pick up flyers that had never arrived! ‘Typing up old letters’ never responded even after I was shortlisted and we discussed the days and method for completion. The other two tasks remain unknown in status. Just like online dating, you need to put in significant time with no reward. It was like Finding Nemo– setting off on an adventure with many obstacles along the way, even with a goal in mind. In this case, I’m going to have to leave Nemo out there for someone else to find on Airtasker.

I’ve been undecided if I need a break from online dating as well. Finding ‘Nemo’ online has been unsuccessful for over 5 years now. I go on and off dating sites with FOMO (Fear of missing out) and then get over it and get on with real life, then I think I’ll try again for fun and thus goes the vicious cycle. It’s like I turn in to Dory, the character with short term memory loss. I recognise guys that I’ve matched with previously but can’t remember what went wrong.

I’ve paid for a Bumble subscription for a week that lets me see who has ‘liked’ me so I don’t have to scroll through the ones that aren’t interested. I’ll then decide if I’m interested to make it a mutual match. I’m calling it the 200 guys in 7 days challenge. Let’s see if I find ‘Nemo’ this week…..

Photo by Tom Fisk on Pexels.com

Eight weeks, eight disasters for eight eggs

Two months ago, my investment property almost burnt down. Whilst the fire department saved it structurally, the electrical wiring was damaged and the smoke damage to the roof meant it was no longer inhabitable. I had to break the lease and lost my renters. This was so incredibly stressful and totally out of my control. I haven’t experienced such immense financial pressure before.

The sewerage system at my rented property failed and the fecal matter from 12 apartments floated down the main street with strangers buzzing my door out of concern and disgust.

The shower door broke off the hinge and had to sit in my hallway for 3 weeks awaiting parts and the fancy (2 weeks on order) bathroom light broke as well, trying to put on make-up in the semi light.

My dog was at the vet for a sore on her face and ear infection.

My Dad was in hospital having tests done on his heart.

My cousin was taken out of the country due to sad custody arrangements.

I had decided to freeze my eggs before I got any older!

However, I think that I’ve had so many things going wrong this year so that my follicle stimulating hormone injections and egg freezing could go right.

I arrived to a reception desk for my last virginal scan surrounded by hopeful couples. One had just been to see the nurse and when she returned to her partner, he gave her a long reassuring hug and she whispered to him intimately ‘kiss me.’ He then stood rubbing her back whilst she paid the bill.

I rocked up alone and without needing comfort. Single girls have to be strong, we don’t have a choice. It gets swallowed up inside us. But I realised that I am going through this process excited by the future. The hopeful couples are most likely arriving downtrodden and disappointed, possibly questioning what’s wrong with them, with a history of failure to conceive weighing them down.

By day 7, I felt the small eggs like little rocks when I walked. The scan showed that the largest was 1.9 cm so they really were like little pebbles. I felt very tired early on, like a big seal that just wants to lie on the sand. My stomach felt very full and I really struggled cutting down on coffee! However I was booked in for the egg retrieval during day 14 so it’s really a short process compared to carrying a baby for 9 months.

Arcto the resident seal, Mornington Peninsula

Day 11 revealed that I had seven eggs that could be retrieved for freezing. This was the first time I had felt disappointed as we were aiming for ten. I started to doubt whether this process had been worth the money and questioned whether this would give me the fertility reassurance later on in life that I was hoping for. I tried to remain positive- seven was better than none!

Photo by bruce mars on Pexels.com

The big day arrived and I fell fast asleep under the anaesthesia before I could think about the six people in the room that would be looking into my nook and cranny. I recovered well with none of the horrible side affects that I was warned about (vomiting and bleeding). The letter Dr Knight left for me confirmed that they had taken eight eggs! My favourite number. I spent the rest of the day in bed and watching movies with a heat pack. I felt uncomfortable for the next week with stomach pain but with Panadol, codeine, Neurophen and beer, I still hit the road and made it to Oktoberfest for a roaring day out only 3 days after the procedure.

My fate was sealed… or frozen! Eight little eggs.

Murder on the dance floor

A day in the life of a single girl.

I dragged myself out of bed on Saturday morning to prepare for Oktoberfest at the Royal Exhibition building, Carlton. The words Oktoberfest and classy don’t go together at all but I thought the venue may mean a less rambunctious affair (such as St Kilda gardens or Birrarung Marr park where a friend climbed up a speaker pole to see the DJ better and ended up in hospital!). 

Usually Oktoberfest in Melbourne means a lot of girls in short skirts and very low, voluptuous tops and unfortunately we all look the same (thanks eBay). Last year, I spotted at least 20 girls wearing the same outfit as I was. So whilst the beer is flowing, the boys are a plenty, so are the girls and the chances of standing out are slim to none in his environment. It’s just a great day to hang out with friends and have a laugh.

The Royal Exhibitian building was set up like a huge beer hall with trestle tables packed with laughing friends and piled high with the remnants of all the drinks of the day. For this occasion, you had to choose the day function (12-5pm) or the night function (6-11pm) and I found myself at the day session. By 3pm, everyone was very loose!

Girls were dared to try to jump up on wooden crates that were piled higher than their legs whilst the men stood by watching and cheering on. The band was playing covers and anytime an Aussie classic came on, people stood up on the tables and bench seats, screaming the lyrics at the top of their lungs.

You’re the voice, try and understand it. Make a noise and make it clear. Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa (John Farnham)

Of course, the bench seats broke! They were carried out by security (the benches not the drunk people) to hundreds of people clapping and cheering.

By 4pm, most people were on the dance floor. “Grown ups” that had spent their hard earned money, carefully trying to throw basketballs and shoot ducks to win soft toys, then carried them onto the dance floor. How cute.

The soft toys were then held up high above their heads where they proceeded to rip their guts out! I looked over at one point and thought someone was blowing bubbles to dance under, then I realised it looked like polystyrene balls and I made the connection.

When one saw it, then the others started doing it. No stuffed animal was safe unless you were clinging to it, off the dance floor. I probably should have been laughing. As a primary teacher, I just thought of the waste! And as a drunk person, I was picking up soft toy body parts and holding an abondoned leg up here and there asking boys…

Is this your leg? Did you lose a leg? Do you think this (soaking wet) foot is lucky?

The boys reached out their hands to twirl me around. Not one twirl, repetitive twirls. Not one boy, three boys were trying to twirl me. Why would I want to be twirled whilst drinking beer? But okay, I’ll give this a go and try and make conversation. What a waste of time.

One boy that was prepared to make conversation was also very handsy but he seemed nice enough. Every time I thought ‘he might be fun’ in a non creepy way (again, compared to others. For example, one guy was walking around with a small sign that said ‘will you have sex with me?’) he then put the same moves on my best friend. So he kept going back and forth with my taken friend trying to re-direct him back to me. We made plans for an after party but ended up walking out together when it was over. I had asked him if he wanted to put my phone number in his phone but thought he mustn’t have heard me. He stayed with me for while and I thought he had made his choice when he went back over to my friend. Together, we had to spell it out to him.

“You can’t have both of us. You have to choose one girl and stick with her and make her feel special. (To which he groaned ‘Noooooo.’)

We are not both going to be with you.”

He finally got the message so left to wait for a tram home with his friend! When the tram still hadn’t arrived and we were waiting at the lights he said to me “You can have me til the tram arrives.”

Oh my goodness.

I’m glad I didn’t think I was going to find my dream man at this event. Back to online dating it is! It appears that guys think they can have multiple women in real life too though.

My single vows

I have lost count of the amount of weddings I’ve been to over the years. Up until last night, the last one was about 3 years ago and there was not one single man there- none!

Getting ready for the latest wedding event, I suddenly thought

‘I might be the last single person left. What if the bride calls for the single ladies to catch the bouquet and it’s just me?!’

I tried to prepare myself for that moment and to find the courage to strive forward with conviction that I was single and proud. Luckily that moment never came. The bride didn’t throw her bouquet so we never had to find out who was still single. Let’s face it, why give away a gorgeous bouquet and the girl that catches it never gets married next!

I’ve written my own single vows.

I promise that I will never feel like half a person as I don’t have a partner.

I will take every opportunity to try new things, seek adventure, make new friends and enjoy the freedom that single life allows.

I will always love my baby, Sophie the dog, no matter how bad she smells and keep trying to find the source of her numerous allergies.

I will set myself up for success so that I can’t be a failure.

I’ve also imagined my partners vows! Yep, that’s what happens after hearing so many other people declare their love for each other’s little annoying personal traits or cute couple habits.