So, this is how we party now?

As I lay horizontal, his fingers brushed against me and then, pressing harder, went deeper. I moaned. He’d found the spot. In a matter of minutes, he’d made me feel so good. We’d only just met! In the shopping centre.

You’ve got a dirty mind! I was at a massage place suffering from back pain, again. Yet as I lay there trying to relax, yet in pain, I imagined I’d just found my dream guy. Awkwardly composing myself after my 30 minute massage, I actually looked at him properly. I came out of my ‘I could live like this getting massages every week’ haze and realised he wasn’t my future husband.

I just went home to my housemate like I usually do.

We partied into the night… ha, no we didn’t!

I’ve spent the last three months with my dog (Interspersed with seeing my family). Apart from a few walks with a friend, that’s about it for the next few months as well I fear.

I turn 40 this year and had dreamt of 40th parties all year long. Now I send my birthday friends birthday cards and ‘thoughts’ and that’s about all we can do. Parties have been postponed with many having to make decisions about ‘the biggest day of their lives’- choose to delay their wedding or just get married with their partner and a celebrant. Even funerals can only have a few attend. But I’ve found a party loop hole! Need more than 10 people? Go down the isle at the isles of Chemist Warehouse.

Who really wants to leave the house now though? COVID-19 has caused a lot of social anxiety. If someone says they went for drinks I now ask, where? I just can’t imagine going out now. An old friend said we should catch up and instead of feeling excited, a wave of anxiety washed over me- what would I wear? Where would we go? What would I say? Even my family just talks about the Corona virus ar times. It’s become the centre of every conversation and there’s no getting away from it.

This person is still living her best life! I was just on my way to the doctors (sigh).

Go bra-less! Oh wait, you probably already are. When social distancing in the house anything goes. Anything goes… but not on a Thursday night, please. My neighbours have the time of their life every Thursday.

I’ve spoken to them time and time again. I’ve called out the window. I’ve left them the noise regulations and I’ve called the police. I called the police again last night. But now everything is about Covid.

“They should not be making noise after 10pm on a Thursday. Are you in a Covid ‘hot spot’? (No) Is there more than 6 people there? (Probably four) If you are unsure if there’s more than 6 we can’t do anything. Please speak to your local council about the noise.”

I’ve become THAT person.

The grumpy older women giving the younger, carefree, people grief. However the younger people in Victoria are a bit too carefree right now in these Corona times (Daniel Andrews MP).

No matter what your age, we used to have so many events to look forward to: birthday parties, weddings, festivals, concerts but that’s all changed now. I hope that you can find a way to still live your best life in these times. But think of your neighbours!

Try Chemist Warehouse.

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Call off the search

When someone goes missing, a search starts day and night. But after a few days they begin to lose hope, less people are searching, the search is inconsistent, and after a long period of time, it’s called off all together. My boyfriend is missing.

I mean, he’s non existent.

My ideal boyfriend is missing.

I’ve been searching, high and low. After searching the online dating apps, I think it’s finally time to call off the search!

My friends don’t even search for me anymore. Even they have given up. Sure it’s exhausting so I’ve gone on and off the dating sites.

I actually had two people recommend I join e-harmony only two days apart. I had a little look as I thought it could be a sign. All the ads on TV sure make it look good.

Nope.

So I joined Tinder, for fun. I’m telling myself that I can be footloose and fancy free and just enjoy myself without worrying about whether they meet my expectations…. I’ll be casual whilst I’m still young enough to enjoy myself.

First mutual swipe right- chatty chat, talk about our dogs, some attraction, try to meet up. Can’t meet in first 3 days, now no reply. It’s a 21st century, instant gratification problem. Thank you, next.

Second mutual swipe right, that messages back- chatty chat, meet up same day! I know this is casual. I feel casual. The date goes really well. Before I know it, in the next 24 hours I’ve imagined our whole lives together! How does this happen?

Iliza Schlesinger calls it Girl Logic. How our brains process all of our past, present and future experiences: “The genius and the absurdity!”

I think the guys use their hunting tricks. They’ve evolved from cave men but now have other tricks to drag us back to their caves. They must know our brains go into overdrive or have these elaborate fantasies. On my date, he threw into our conversation:

You’re cute

You’re fun

I like you

I told my parents I was going on a date… they said when are you going to settle down and I replied, maybe this one.

Is tomorrow too soon for another date?

I’ll call you, should I call you tonight?

All of a sudden, I’m wanting more already. Do guys realise the carrots they dangle that give us hope? This guy is a player….

He didn’t call that night.

We didn’t meet a few days later like planned.

I received an invite during the next week to come over and wear my sexiest underwear.

I’m going to be more aware of the subliminal messages guys are sending and the manipulative words they use. Game on!!

This one time

The phone rang again. It was an unknown +227 number trying to call me through Whatsapp. I hadn’t answered so they were trying again. Two messages later, I blocked them!

I took your phone number off Instagram and I find your words very interesting.

According to google, the call was coming from West Africa. I don’t want to seem uncaring, but why would a guy reach out to me in Australia from West Africa via phone call?! What was his agenda? I am interesting, that much is true, but I’m sure there is other interesting people in Africa. If he was trying to engage with me because I’m single, there’s a lot of single people closer dude. This will not work out. I’ll never know. This one time that someone tried to contact me from West Africa, I blocked them!

This one time I went on a date in the park. We brought our dogs along and walked and chatted. It was great! No awkward eye contact as we just strolled on as our dogs ran around. They weren’t really the right size to play with each other but they were both females so everyone was getting along. At one point, his dog was playing with another Staffordshire Bull Terrier and he had to call it back. Close call, or so I thought. He text me the next day:

I’ve had to take Tara to the vet. She was bitten on the head at the park. The wound has been bleeding and infected.

I sent back empathetic pleasantries and asked about his dog again a few days later. I never heard from him again! I didn’t bite his dog…

Last weekend I was stood up!

We arranged to meet around 9pm and when I left my house I messaged my old friend that after travelling by public transport I’d get to the venue at 9:50pm. She said no problem…. yep, it was a girl friend. She knew I was travelling into the city by myself but when I arrived, she wasn’t at the bar we had planned to meet at and wasn’t responding to my messages. 30 mins later she contacted me with a reply to one of my first messages…. not answering ‘where are you’?

I text everyone else that would respond. It was a real low point as a single girl. To have gone to the effort of getting ready, head out by myself, 50 mins into the city and then standing alone at night. Luckily I had a number of friends that offered me moral support. So I had a beer by myself and listened to a busker before I decided to head home. It took my friend that I was meant to meet another hour to ask me where I was?! She was heading to a different bar now. I didn’t want to chase her around the city, I was done.

It just so happens that one of the people I reached out to that texted me back was a new guy friend. We are going to catch up this weekend…

Dating urban legends

When you are single, everyone tells you about their friend or a friend of a friend who not only met someone on Tinder but fell in love and now they are married! I think they are the exception. The ‘rule’ is that most guys are just looking for a good time and sowing their wild oats.

They are the modern day urban legends. Stories start with ‘a girl I used to work with’ or ‘my sisters friend’…. they met someone online and are so in love.

I’ve been single for 6 years. Do you think I’m not trying?! I’m not fussy but I’m not going to try and hook up with anyone.

The other urban legends are the dating disaster stories!

Here’s an urban legend for you I was just told at work. It happened to a friend of a friend.

This girl arranged a second date with the guy she had started seeing. He said come over to my place and I’ll cook you dinner. She agreed.

After dinner she felt like she had to go to the toilet and simply couldn’t hold it in, she’d have to do a poo at his place. But it was bad. Really bad. She had so much poo everywhere that she needed to change her underwear, and clothes. She felt she would need to shower there. He was so understanding! He offered to take her clothes and put everything in a plastic bag. He offered her a t-shirt and shorts.

So, so far I’m thinking this girl is a bit dramatic. How bad did she have to go to the toilet? That messy, really?! Crazy, girl. Yep, this is gross. What a disaster.

It doesn’t end there.

As the girl came out of the bathroom, she caught him holding her underwear and messy clothes up to his face.

He had put a laxative in her food.

He had a faecal fetish.

So bad!!!!!!

One of my rules is don’t go over to random strangers houses. That’s just my values. I won’t think of sleeze bags, murderers or STDs anymore, I’ll be thinking of this story.

What a nightmare!

I had a dream last night that I was so desperate for a boyfriend that I went on a date with a drug dealer (not so bad yet). He couldn’t text me back properly or respond to any questions but his sister had contacted me and I met up with her so that she could tell me he was a good guy! I got ready for a date that he hadn’t confirmed, to go to a pub near his place. When I arrived, he didn’t remember the date and was on so many drugs he couldn’t stand up straight or talk properly. He was also keen to get back to his drug production and said he was banned from the local pub.

I tried to seduce him (you don’t have to stand up then) and pushed him up against a wall where I leaned in on him and tried to have a big tongue pash.

He said he’d be into it if he didn’t have to go help the guys with the drugs and had just taken something so he apologised for the taste in his mouth.

It wasn’t working and I started to feel disgusted with it all so I walked away with my head down and spitting the taste of foam out as I went.

I walked up a long drive or road with my cardigan in my hand (I’d even taken off some clothes) as I passed all the workers and then passed the customers that had taken the drugs and stayed to play shuttlecock….with birds!

Well dream interpreters, what do you say to that?

I am frustrated with online dating (again).

Please can my next dreams be better!! I’d love some dream hunks- Ryan Reynolds, Ryan Kwanten and the late Paul Walker. I need three dream catchers!

 

 

The challenge

I’ve detoxed off dating apps for a month. It actually feels amazing!

I wanted to work on myself without distractions. Imagine if I gave myself the same time and effort I’ve put into online dating. Let’s face it, the never ending cycle of men that don’t reply, sleazy come ons and small talk was exhausting.

Power is making decisions (The Outlaw King)

The first week off dating apps, I still needed a ‘hit’ from my phone. I was so used to checking it and notifications going off, I started messaging people more. I was proud of myself for starting conversations with people that I might not have if I was busy with dating apps. Then I realised…. I’m not chatting with ‘people’, I’m chatting with men. Single men. Single male friends. I’d just substituted Bumble for Messenger!

I eased off Messenger. Whatsapp became my next forum but at least I was communicating with girlfriends.

Matthew Hussey has some good advise on dating but also about being your best self. He set challenges for things to try….

The first time I walked past a good looking stranger- epic fail!

I found myself automatically looking down, or looking anywhere else, than directly at them.

As I live in an inner city, busy, beachside area there’s plenty of good looking strangers to practise on. Now that I’ve got my head held high and I’m trying to make eye contact, I may seem like a smiling psycho…..but I’m hoping it starts to become more natural!

I’m struggling with this one. I talk to strangers when I’m walking the dog and I’m nice but I don’t think that counts. I’ll have to keep an eye out for an opportunity.

I registered for Social Sixes (Cricket Victoria).

I didn’t go.

But I have lots of ideas for activities to try in the summer holidays.

Have I got fitter and healthier in the last month? No. I’ve drank more beer and eaten more chips than ever before.

Have I had a nice break from the dating merry-go-round, swiping R.S.I., bad spelling, mixed messages, and filthy suggestions? Yes. Let’s call it a success!

NO-vember

I’ve had three serious relationships in the past but they all said no, no, no.

No, I haven’t started dinner even though I’ve been home from work for three hours before you.

No, I haven’t brought the washing in or done anything with it as my Mum always did that for me.

No, I can’t go out with you and your friends because my footy team is playing.

No, I won’t see you much this weekend as cricket is life.

No, I don’t feel like going for a walk with the dog.

No, I don’t want to go to the beach. I want to watch the game on replay.

No, I’m tired.

No, I don’t know how I feel anymore.

No, I don’t want to be with you anymore and I’ve cheated on you.

Recently, I hit it off with Mr Suave (before he ghosted me) but he was also a ‘no’ man!

No, I don’t like dress up parties.

No, I don’t like fishing.

No, I don’t like dogs that bound up to me as they get in the way. (WTF?!)

No, I would never catch a bus.

No, I don’t like historical fiction, just documentaries.

No, I don’t like walking along the street when it’s busy, they are all tourists and need to get out of my way!

Now, I’m saying ‘no’! I want a yes man.

I want someone that says ‘yes’, I’ll do that. Yes, I’ll go there. Yes, I’d like that. Yes, that would be fun. However if I put that on my online profile, it sounds a bit kinky.

Jim Carey is a bit annoying when he’s being overly dramatic but I like the idea of the movie ‘Yes man’. He has to say yes to everything!

It would go something like-

Yes, let’s get tickets to that festival.

Yes, I want to play tennis with you.

Yes, let’s go for a walk along the beach with the dog.

Yes, I’ll make you dinner.

Yes, you are an amazing little starfish!

And Zooey Deschanel would play me in the movie.

I went on the Bumble dating app to read a few profiles for ideas and in less than five minutes, this is how many guys said yes to me!

With no info (at all) on my profile and only one photo, they must be saying yes to everyone. So I really need a guy that says yes to me, but no to everyone else.

I have swipe fatigue- I’m tired of trying to figure out whether to say yes or no and whether they will then say yes or no to me. When I’m ready to swipe again, I’ll try to find my yes man.

NO-vember = no swiping.

What do you wish a man would say ‘yes’ to?

Chalk and cheese

I had two dates last weekend!!!! Go me! They were as different as chalk and cheese- what a strange expression. I thought the same as http://www.phrases.org.uk “There must be many pairs of things that are more different than chalk and cheese.” They claim it’s popularity is as simple as they are short and snappy words that alliterate. I’m going to work on coming up with another one.

Mr Suave was from an online dating app, the other was a ‘blind date’ (of course we checked each other out on Facebook first) set up by friends. Where Suave was tall, the other was short. Suave had dark hair, the other was greying. Suave had beers with me, the other coffee. Suave went halvies on the costs, the other let me pay. Suave lives within a reasonable distance, and the other is an hours drive away. Okay, it’s clear who I’m leaning towards.

At school, we teach the kids to identify similarities and differences, and usually make them put it in a Venn diagram! It’s also a reading strategy to compare and contrast which allows them to understand the book better and make real life connections. So what did these guys have in common that made them a good match for me?

They were similar in that neither of them owned a pet but agreed dogs were better. They both had their own home (whether rented or owned, we didn’t go into it) and had good jobs. Stable work that they somewhat enjoy, most days. Interestingly, I didn’t go into their family situations and neither did they. I think that’s a sign that we didn’t need the small talk about who has siblings and what age they are. Both were able to hold their own, and conversation flowed along the standard path of ask a question, respond yourself with a story, ask another……

Both were respectful- they didn’t try to touch me up or talk dirty!

But Mr Suave had it all.

He dressed well for the date and looked great in a floral (I don’t care what you think, I’m man enough to pull this off as fun and happy) shirt and nice shoes. As we sat down with our beers, I asked a bustling table and group standing if they minded us sitting down next to them. He handled it cool, calm and collected when a very drunk guy leaned in and told us with a slur and a wobble that you should just take things and not ask as he might have said no. We talked and laughed our way merrily into a second drink and then agreed to a third at a different bar he wanted to check out over the road. The third beer then turned into an espresso martini that he ordered for me as I had said I love them. We made our way over to a comfy couch and moved closer as it had got colder. Then it starts to become a blur…. We leaned in for a kiss and he suggested….. dancing! So off we went, walking hand in hand down the street and when I complained about walking in my heels, he ordered a taxi the rest of the way apologising to the driver “Sorry man, I know it’s a short trip. I’ll pay you extra.”

At the club, he paid for both of our entry costs ($20 each) and put our jackets together in the cloak room. He bought me a coke as I said I’d really had enough and we danced and made out for the next hour or so. He laughed at me as I danced to The Nutbush (OMG, I can’t believe I did that on a date!) and I laughed at him as we both enjoyed S Club 7. When I went to the toilets and realised how messy I’d become, I told him I had to call it a night and he put me in a cab home. We text all the next day… and lived happily ever after. Ha ha. No, we’ll see………

Photo by Gabriel Augusto on Pexels.com

I didn’t put my best foot forward when I met my coffee date. I had drank too much with Mr Suave so I was still a bit tired and shaky. I’m not a morning person so I had dry shampooed my hair and I didn’t feel as banging as I had last night. Because of the alcohol, I also had a (diabetic) hypo during the date and whilst I tried to hide it, my speech wasn’t coming out the same and I couldn’t think of the right words. I might have got away with it as nervous and cute… but I probably also seemed like a downright drip! This date lasted an hour.

Chalk and Cheese.

I really like cheese- Mr Suave has to be the cheese!

My single vows

I have lost count of the amount of weddings I’ve been to over the years. Up until last night, the last one was about 3 years ago and there was not one single man there- none!

Getting ready for the latest wedding event, I suddenly thought

‘I might be the last single person left. What if the bride calls for the single ladies to catch the bouquet and it’s just me?!’

I tried to prepare myself for that moment and to find the courage to strive forward with conviction that I was single and proud. Luckily that moment never came. The bride didn’t throw her bouquet so we never had to find out who was still single. Let’s face it, why give away a gorgeous bouquet and the girl that catches it never gets married next!

I’ve written my own single vows.

I promise that I will never feel like half a person as I don’t have a partner.

I will take every opportunity to try new things, seek adventure, make new friends and enjoy the freedom that single life allows.

I will always love my baby, Sophie the dog, no matter how bad she smells and keep trying to find the source of her numerous allergies.

I will set myself up for success so that I can’t be a failure.

I’ve also imagined my partners vows! Yep, that’s what happens after hearing so many other people declare their love for each other’s little annoying personal traits or cute couple habits.

The importance of strength and resilience

I started hormone injections for fertility treatment this week.

As a type 1 diabetic, I already have 4 injections a day (More with yummy snacks). On Monday, I ended up having 7 injections! It started with the Bemfola hormone and my regular insulin at breakfast, followed with an injection for a yummy chocolate snack, lunch injection, afternoon snack injection, dinner injection and night time insulin injection….yikes.

I’m okay with needles because I have to be. If I don’t have them, I’ll die. So I wasn’t nervous about injecting the hormones. It’s certainly a longer needle though- 12mm. I don’t think that 7 injections a day is healthy though, emotionally or physically, so after that Monday surviving a challenging day at work I told myself I’d cut out the in-between snacks.

On Wednesday morning, I woke up with some pain in my upper stomach and I thought ‘well, it’s really happening now. This must be my ovaries.’ In the shower I then noticed some bruising, ‘shit!’ Luckily before I started to panic, a vague memory came back to me of leaning over the front fence last night. It all came back to me! I had jumped up to lean my body over the fence to get a look at the front of a real estate sign that was put up when I was at work, blocking my view. My ovaries weren’t in pain or bruised. My stupidity was bruising.

On Thursday, I started a further injection (Orgalutran) to halt the ovulation process and continue to develop the eggs. Now 6 injections a day, without snacks.

I’ve got another week to go. But it’s just a week. Throughout my 8 years as a diabetic, I would have loved some time off from injections. We often find strength that we didn’t even know we have. We have to.

To celebrate getting through all of my injections as a diabetic that I have no choice over, I’ve got two tattoos that were in my control.

The first tattoo I got is of a little starfish. A starfish symbolises resilience, surviving tough and timultuous times, like the sea, and of regeneration. If a starfish looses a leg, it grows another one! As a diabetic, we have to be resilient and although our bodies heal slower than normal, after injecting into our stomaches and finger pricking to test our blood, we do heal. I keep injecting and I keep healing. Like a little starfish, I will keep rejuvenating.

My second tattoo is of a wolf for strength. This one was after a period of bad test results and I was struggling to stay motivated to work hard and keep my blood sugar at the right level. Diabetics don’t actually heal the same when blood sugar levels are over 10mmol so I told myself that if I could get it under this and more in control, I could get another tattoo. It ended up cooinciding with my 7 year anniversary and I celebrated having administered approx 10,000 injections! This tattoo is on my leg, and whilst I cried for a full day with regret afterwards, it’s there to remind me that I can be strong.

How to catch a fish

“Success is when preparation meets opportunity” (Nick Cummins, The Bachelor Australia)

The times they are a changing. Gone are the days you were guaranteed to meet someone out on the dance floor and if over 30, there’s no more single friends to introduce! So we resort to online dating and trying to get matches. Most sites are random. You throw in your fishing hook in a designated pool/area and decide whether each one you (swipe right) try to pull up or (left) let off the hook. Then you try to strike up a conversation. Hopefully make a date. See if you get along for a second date. But that fishing line can get snagged and snap at many stages.

One of Matthew Hussey’s strategies is to ask a man (in real life) to take a photo of you to break the ice and make contact. But what if you can’t see a man you want to approach? I figure that is probably still better than seeing someone you like but not knowing how to approach them. I have probably let many opportunities pass me by over the years! I’m working on being prepared.

So what are some of the options for online dating in Melbourne?

• Bumble
• Tinder
• POF (Plenty of Fish)
• Ok Cupid
• RSVP
• eHarmony

I’m using Bumble at the moment. The success rate seems to be about 1 in 5 matches with 50% response rate.

For example, if 100 men liked me, I would then find 20 are a mutual match. If I contacted all of them, I would get a reply from 10. From that, at the moment, I’d be lucky to get 1 date.

What are the best days to fish?

I’ve had the most responses on Wednesdays and Thursdays as well as Sundays. There seems to have been a big increase of the amount of guys online since the Bachelor Australia started 2 weeks ago! (Screening Wednesdays and Thursdays but it could be a coincidence).

When you are talking online, you need to have some talking points in mind. The most responses I have received have been after saying Hi and asking them a question about something in their profile or pictures.

I got 0 replies with these lines

Hey there 😁

2 truths & a lie…. ready, set, go!

These got 1-2 responses

There’s a lot of pressure making the first move, be nice to me 🤣

What’s one destination you haven’t been to yet or that you must go to before you die?

Almost Friday, can you describe your weekend ahead in 3 emojis?

Friday nights I get less matches but it seems easier to start a conversation ….they just don’t really go anywhere. I think Friday & Saturday chats are for quick hook ups. I got 3 replies with just ‘Happy Friday 👌’

I’d really rather talk to single people in person. I heard somewhere that if you read a magazine backwards in public, it’s meant to mean you are available! Some other countries have small gestures to show whether they are available. In Samoa, if you have a flower over the left ear you are taken, right side you are available. In Ireland, if you wear a Claddagh ring on your left hand and you turn the ring pointing away from you, this indicates you are looking for love. India has different coloured bindis where single or widowed women wear black or white bindis, with red signalling married.

Apart from traffic light parties at University, what could we start in Australia?

If you have one of these customs in another country, do they work as signals?

What online chats have worked for you?

The need for a partner is changing

For some species, the involvement of males in the reproductive process is entirely optional. While the males may exist, they are not essential to reproduction. Lots of animals can reproduce without male involvement, from the smallest insects to the biggest reptiles. Asexual reproduction comes in many forms too, from basic cell reproduction to complex cloning cycles.

The life cycle of this little starfish is looking bright. I don’t have a partner but I would still like the option of having a baby one day. I met with Dr Rachael Knight about my fertility options. After waiting in the reception area at Melbourne IVF, I ascended the steep stairs and she met me at the top of the stairs with a welcoming smile and a positive approach to an exciting step in my life. She was a breath of fresh air.

I’ve previously heard:

“Have you tried internet dating?” (Duh!)

“37 years and 6 months… don’t get your hopes up”

“Are you dating anyone at the moment? (No) Well, you don’t have long.”

“Awww (to another friend), this is the last baby our group of friends will have”

The blood test results that I had done were in from my doctor and Dr Knight politely and professionally explained that they were good, as she expected. I have the average amount of eggs for someone my age, not too low and not high. It would be less than someone younger but she explained that between 33 and 39 years old is a good time to look at egg freezing.

There’s quite a few steps involved to start this process. It’s important to get an AHM test from your GP. Dr Knight then referred me for another blood test that looks for any serious genetic diseases such as cystic fibrosis. You can choose which ones you test for (which is incredible) but seeing as I may end up considering whether to raise my baby alone, and already have a complex disease with Type 1 diabetes, I said “test them all!” This is approx $400.

Following this blood test, I’ll have an ultrasound. Not just any ultrasound though, the brochure says a virginal ultrasound (gulp) “to measure the endometrial thickness, size and number of follicles in both ovaries” (Pathway of care, Melbourne IVF). Then meeting with a nurse, we will establish counselling and the costs involved with the intent to commence hormone injections in a months time!

Before leaving the appointment, Dr Knight advised me that starting to fall pregnant naturally at this time would be the preference. Egg freezing has only a 50 % success rate. We will aim for 10-20 eggs as they individually only have a 5% chance of fertilisation. They have sperm donors if I was interested in that process. She suggested I might also like to consider getting pregnant at 39 and keeping the eggs frozen for a second baby when I’m then over 40.

I hope that one day I do find an amazing partner. For those of you unsure how it’s going to work out for you, just keep swimming! There’s plenty of fish in the sea and many options available today. Work out what is going to make you happy, and go for it.