So, this is how we party now?

As I lay horizontal, his fingers brushed against me and then, pressing harder, went deeper. I moaned. He’d found the spot. In a matter of minutes, he’d made me feel so good. We’d only just met! In the shopping centre.

You’ve got a dirty mind! I was at a massage place suffering from back pain, again. Yet as I lay there trying to relax, yet in pain, I imagined I’d just found my dream guy. Awkwardly composing myself after my 30 minute massage, I actually looked at him properly. I came out of my ‘I could live like this getting massages every week’ haze and realised he wasn’t my future husband.

I just went home to my housemate like I usually do.

We partied into the night… ha, no we didn’t!

I’ve spent the last three months with my dog (Interspersed with seeing my family). Apart from a few walks with a friend, that’s about it for the next few months as well I fear.

I turn 40 this year and had dreamt of 40th parties all year long. Now I send my birthday friends birthday cards and ‘thoughts’ and that’s about all we can do. Parties have been postponed with many having to make decisions about ‘the biggest day of their lives’- choose to delay their wedding or just get married with their partner and a celebrant. Even funerals can only have a few attend. But I’ve found a party loop hole! Need more than 10 people? Go down the isle at the isles of Chemist Warehouse.

Who really wants to leave the house now though? COVID-19 has caused a lot of social anxiety. If someone says they went for drinks I now ask, where? I just can’t imagine going out now. An old friend said we should catch up and instead of feeling excited, a wave of anxiety washed over me- what would I wear? Where would we go? What would I say? Even my family just talks about the Corona virus ar times. It’s become the centre of every conversation and there’s no getting away from it.

This person is still living her best life! I was just on my way to the doctors (sigh).

Go bra-less! Oh wait, you probably already are. When social distancing in the house anything goes. Anything goes… but not on a Thursday night, please. My neighbours have the time of their life every Thursday.

I’ve spoken to them time and time again. I’ve called out the window. I’ve left them the noise regulations and I’ve called the police. I called the police again last night. But now everything is about Covid.

“They should not be making noise after 10pm on a Thursday. Are you in a Covid ‘hot spot’? (No) Is there more than 6 people there? (Probably four) If you are unsure if there’s more than 6 we can’t do anything. Please speak to your local council about the noise.”

I’ve become THAT person.

The grumpy older women giving the younger, carefree, people grief. However the younger people in Victoria are a bit too carefree right now in these Corona times (Daniel Andrews MP).

No matter what your age, we used to have so many events to look forward to: birthday parties, weddings, festivals, concerts but that’s all changed now. I hope that you can find a way to still live your best life in these times. But think of your neighbours!

Try Chemist Warehouse.

Tiny little ants almost brought me down!

My accomodation in Ubud, Bali is a ‘home stay’. If you’ve never been before the cheapest accomodation is a hostel, then home stay, and the upper eschalon a hotel. Let me set the scene… beautiful carved wooden doors, sculptures over the door frames, white drapes, four poster bed, beautiful Balinese bathroom with stone floor shower. Oh and then they made me change rooms! Bathroom- tiles from top to bottom with a shower facet that’s smaller than me that sprays the wall unless you take out the hand held option and shower one handed whilst holding the other hand over your head like a weird monkey dance. I am staying on Monkey Forest Road!

Before

After

All of the rooms seem beautiful with garden views. No TV. No kitchen. The staff bring you a flask of tea each day. Lovely.

I’m trying to be more positive in 2020. I finished 2019 with a lot of anger, pent up resentment, fatigue, and frustration. I spoke with a friend and admitted that at times my downfall may be my own stupidity and I wondered, do a lot of things go wrong for me?! Some things are out of my control. That day my flight to Bali with Jetstar was cancelled and my tenants gave notice to leave my investment property. But this story is of one of the tiny little moments that led to my stupidity.

Daily balancing my blood sugars whether my body has too much sugar to process, or not enough, I found myself needing a sugary tea. So I stirred sugar into my cup of tea poured from the homestays daily flask. Problem solved and I went about my day. Later that night, quite parched and almost out of bottled water, I poured myself another cup of tea in the dark room. It was cold and putrid! And wriggling! I ran to the bathroom to spit out what I had left in my mouth and as I turned on the light I found the cup was filled with tiny ants floating around having a tea spa. Gross! I cursed the homestays stupid daily flask!

I washed out the cup to try to get rid of the ants and saw tiny grains of sugar stuck to the bottom of the cup. It wasn’t the hotels flask that the ants had crawled in to. It was my sugary cup I’d left out all day. Totally my fault!

It felt like the ants were still alive, floating down my throat and trying to swim to survive. I coughed. I dry heaved. I rinsed my mouth out with what water I had left. They weren’t going anywhere. After awhile things calmed down but I felt they had bitten my throat on the way down. It felt sore. Maybe swollen. Oh geez, what if these tiny ants bit my throat? What if I have an anaphylactic reaction?

close up photo of ant

Photo by Egor Kamelev on Pexels.com

I googled “Swallowing tiny ants” but that wasn’t helpful. Tried “tiny ants bit my throat”. That was a minefield. The most helpful thing I read said a reaction usually occurs in 2 hours. Okay, I’d try to relax and see if it got worse. I tried to watch Netflix but I imagined my throat getting tighter, it felt swollen but my tongue wasn’t swollen. I had my ventilin and some antihistamines just in case. Back to relaxing.

Fourty- five minutes later it felt no worse but no better! I took some more ventilin and if you’ve ever had to inhale ventilin you know it can make you a bit shaky. I looked at the time and it was getting later. I really had to go to sleep because I was getting picked up at 2am to go for a sunrise hike. I started to panic! What if I fell asleep, couldn’t breathe and didn’t wake up? What should I do? If I go to reception (because there’s no phones in this place) they barely speak English, they won’t know what to do! Do I try to sleep and if I wake up gasping, I can go outside and yell for help? I put clothes on. Even if I try asking the Balinese for advise they’ll probably just ask if I want the hospital. I can’t sit at a hospital for hours if I don’t need to. I’ll miss the hike and lose my money.

I can’t call my parents (like I usually do). It’s too late in Australia and I need to be a grown up. What would a grown up do?? Well I bought travel insurance for a reason. I’ll look up their emergency hotline. And the wifi stopped working. So I turned on my mobile data to find my Medibank Health Insurance.

Medibank email: The Medibank Travel Insurance helpline is 1300 362 544.

No answer, this number is Australia only. Add the international dial code, doesn’t work.

PDS: Our emergency assistance team is available to help 24 hours a day. Contact details can be found on your Certificate of Insurance (COI)

COI: Call Australia on +61 (2) 8907 5672.

No answer.

Left brain: relax. Right brain: panic!

I know, I’ll try Australia’s ‘Nurse on call.’

Won’t connect, it’s just an Australian 1300 number.

Its now been two hours. I can either make a big deal out of this or just go to sleep. I suddenly feel an inescapable sob jump out of me. I’m meant to climbing a friggin volcano in a few hours! FFS! Why does this shit happen! And then I realise… maybe I’m panicing because I’m going to attempt to climb a volcano… 

I make my decision. I’m going to go to sleep. They are just tiny little ants and I’m a big human. Humans have drunk ants before and survived. Humans have climbed volcanos before and survived. I’m a survivor. I’ll be fine.

And I was!

When I got out of bed again at 1:30 am I couldn’t believe that those tiny ants were almost my downfall. 2020 needs to be different for me. 2020 will be different for me. I better get started on that!

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A day in the life of a dog Mum

At school, I refer to my dog as my ‘fur baby’, to which my smart ass students ask “Did you give birth to her?” I reply as a smart ass… “Yes”!

This is for all the dog Mums and pawents to share the love and maybe get us a tiny bit of street cred as to why we refer to our dogs as babies! Those of you with human babies will have started off buying nappies or thinking about how to deal with poo disasters before they are toilet trained…. as do we (puppy toilet training pads or ‘floor nappies’). As a baby, they have to learn how to walk… so do puppies. I remember thinking that a dog just walks from day one but at twelve weeks old, after all their shots, they are still finding their feet, how far they can go and working out how to walk on a lead. So we carry them when they are tired and we coax them along just like a baby. We buy them toys and take a million photos as they grow. The similarities continue…

Is it a girl or a boy?

It’s traditionally pink for girls and blue for boys to identify your baby. Super old fashioned and a stereotype that needs to be thrown out, it stops the idiots on the street from asking mundane questions and misidentifying your baby. The confusion about my dogs sex is just as annoying. I ended up covering her in pink- pink collar, pink ID tag and a pink lead. ‘She’s a girl’ I’d cry out in my head when strangers approached us.

“Hello little fella”

“What a good boy”

“He’s a cutie”

I’d just referred to “she” chatting to a dude online. Can’t you read?!

Don’t eat that!

Whilst parents are worried about age appropriate soft toys and eating off the floor, I worry about dead birds, chicken bones, chop bones and a drunks left over Maccas mashed into the pavement.

She is so cute, people used to feed her dog treats through the fence. At the drive-in bottle shop, they offer dog treats through the window. They greet her at the vets with a little treat. Noooooo- she is allergic to EVERYTHING!

Is it a number 1? Number 2? Number 3….. ewwwwww

My friends that have had a baby comment on the poo disasters. Poop everywhere. The number 3 poo explosions are particularly hard to deal with and clean up. One poor little guy had gastro which was a complete nightmare!

“Car seat covered, bedding covered, child covered! Poo in the bed, poo on the floor, poo squirted in the portacot”

My doggo likes to roll in poo! If she runs off into the bush, she’s found wombat or kangaroo poo (just guessing) and down-dog pose to rub her neck and face in it. Sometimes rolls her whole body over it. Often just washed, she must be too clean. One day she rolled in a big dogs big sloppy poo and it was all over her face and neck and collar. She then tried to wipe off some on the grass, rubbing more of it into her face and eyes and choking.

Then there’s her own poo issues- I’ve wiped off messy poo, cut off dry poo, picked up a hell of a lot of poo everyday, broken bags with poo on my hands and running out of bags with improvising what the hell to do with the poo!

We struggle at bath time. Like your child cries or throws a tantrum, my baby hates the idea of a bath. Sometimes I get lucky and she can wash off in the ocean. Oh wait, this beach was covered in oil spills from the boats…. sigh.

Doctor, doctor!

A Mum proclaimed “Freaking continuous cold. Sodding day care.”

My house has been fleamageddon! After dog sitting in January, I have been fighting a flea pandemic that I continually seem to be losing.

She’s allergic as I mentioned….. allergic to meat and protein, grass, dairy, and gluten. (What’s left for her to enjoy? Carrots). She has skin infections, ear infections, bladder infections almost non stop. The Vet bills are non stop. So are the calls to Mum for advise… just like a baby.

Sleepless nights

There’s licking, scratching, crying, toilet needs, teething, wanting to sleep with Mum, nightmares, and sickness which means I haven’t slept through the night for almost seven years.

So… I call her my baby!

I’m not that naive and know that they are different. How many of you are dunking your babies in the ocean to get clean?!

Happy Easter!!

Married, at first … sigh

Married at First Sight Australia 2019 aired this week. There’s ten couples the ‘experts’ have matched up and we saw six of them walk down the isle to someone they’ve never met and know nothing about!

I didn’t particularly want to watch couples relationships for five nights a week but once you watch a bit… the ad breaks are well timed and marketing is on point to intrigue us and imply disaster. You can’t help but watch more.

The first couple we meet is Jules and Cameron. He’s an expro Cricketer that dedicated his life to cricket and had his priorities wrong (enter fake spewing noises as I don’t try to control my feelings towards guys obsessed with sport and the cricketer I dated for two years who did nothing but cricket!)

It’s ok though as he’s not too short, still has his hair and has a nice smile. He’s saying all the right things and wants kids. He danced at the wedding when the music didn’t play. He hasn’t stopped smiling. Cue the happy ending. Urgh, maybe I’ll have to change my mind about cricketers.

We then meet Nic and Cyrell. She has a overly protective and aggressive brother. He is cool, calm and collected and manages to stand his ground. We find out he’s survived testicular cancer and has to tell his ‘wife’ on national tv that he can’t ejaculate (it goes into his stomach!) but he can still have kids through IVF- phew!

Mick (they mustn’t be filming Farmer Wants a Wife anymore) lives with sheep so is stunned to marry blond bombshell (is there more to her) Jessika. She walks off on him when he asks if she’s just there for Instagram rather than a real relationship. If she can’t put down her phone and have a proper conversation, she’s not going to move to a farm unless it’s glamorous mud wrestling that’s photographed as she modelsfor a hobby‘ (cough, instagram).

Ning is a sweety at heart with three kids but she’s built a wall around her heart and defends her castle with bad jokes and awkwardness. Will Mark persevere trying to get to know her? Well he has nothing else on the go at the moment so why not.

Mike and Heidi- both hot, fun loving, adventure seeking, nomads. He’s a sparky that’s ignited women’s loins around the world (so he says) and she’s…. I don’t know, I’m so distracted by her hair! And her Barbie body.

Heidi tried to have a deep and meaningful about her life and got shut down because he was impatient and too hot. Maybe he was too distracted by her hair too. He seems like a fuck boy.

Dino is a meditation coach. Well I think he wants to be hired as a meditation coach. He certainly doesn’t say a single sentence without a spiritual reference, mantra or meditation advice. I think his lips may have Botox. I don’t want to watch him but I can’t look away. They’ve matched him with his partner, Melissa, for the same reason I fear. Both train wrecks in their personal lives. Another confession to millions- she hasn’t had sex for 8 years and he called off an engagement as she didn’t like the ring!

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So…. I certainly forget my troubles whilst watching theirs!

What would I want to confess to my husband on our wedding night and to all the viewers? I’m 6 years single now! Can I blame being diagnosed with diabetes and then adjustment disorder (depression and anxiety) for a couple of years of being single? Yeah, why not. The rest? Well, that’s just life. Could I go on the show? No, I’m over size 10!

Talking married says that still to come: the women are ‘raw’ and ‘outspoken’ and the experts will be ethically challenged…. intrigue, intrigue.

Can’t wait to see the other four couples!

Mr Big

I had my first Hinge app date last weekend with Mr Big. He described himself as 6 foot 3 inches but didn’t have many full body photos. He used words like lovely and proper sentences when chatting. The famous Mr Big from Sex and the City is notorious for being Carrie’s love of her life but also seriously noncommittal. I hoped he’d bring some excitement but not be that hard to get.

We hadn’t chatted online for long as I wanted to see what he was like in person. Earlier that day I had my nails done and therefor had nothing to do but sit and think. I ran through some date conversations and thought through some insightful answers to ‘why are you still single?’ and ‘how would you describe yourself?’, ‘tell me about your family’ and even ‘what’s it like being a teacher?’

He asked me…. nothing!

The date began finding a table in the air-conditioned pub as it was 38 degrees and organising beer. He then spent ten minutes telling me about his favourite TV show ‘American Gods’ and talking over my shoulder. Well he certainly wasn’t looking me in the eyes.

He said get me any beer. My approach was that at least I’d enjoy two beers if nothing else- I’ll get the first and then he can buy me one. If it’s not going well, we part ways. Well that’s a bit like the drunk trying to decide whether to drive or not… you think you’re not impaired and all is well. So after two, we said let’s find a spot on the water for another beer! We also need food. This is probably where it went wrong (if we didn’t already know in the first five minutes).

We surprisingly got in to Arbory, a very popular floating bar on the Yarra river but it was clear from the start there would be no seats- standing room only. I couldn’t imagine him casually standing and sipping a beer, and us both squeezing into a corner somewhere, he was big. Tall but also had quite a girth. I had a game plan. We made our way to the toilets to suss out the layout and on the way there he walked behind and placed his hand on my hip (Controlling, possessive? It was nice! Bit of a spark, of a spark). The short walk pushing our way through the crowd made up our minds that this wasn’t going to work here, let’s move on.

The problem with leaving one place on a Friday night with the after work crowds on a great summers evening is you’re pretty much shit out of luck finding anywhere else to get in. We ended up at TGI Friday’s! TGI bloody Friday’s. Clearly impaired. Hungry.

He squeezed into a booth with him remarking “isn’t there any normal tables?” We quickly ordered more beer and food. The food wasn’t good. The ambiance for a date was appalling. We were by the river but we could have been in a shopping centre. I can’t even remember what we talked about here. He started yawning. At one point he threw into conversation that he didn’t really know what he was looking for. I realised the initial excitement of the unknown possibilities had quickly died.

I walked him to his train station, possibly trying to overcome the fact that we’d just been to TGIs, and stood on my tippy toes to plant a quick kiss on his mouth goodbye. As I turned to walk away, he giggled!

broken heart love sad

Photo by burak kostak on Pexels.com

It’s been a week now and we haven’t spoken. Neither of us cares enough to even say I don’t think we should pursue another date. The whole evening, he spoke at me. I spoke back of course, but he didn’t ask me any questions about myself. I learnt about his family, his housemates, his work, his friends….  was it nerves or he couldn’t even be bothered to get to know me? Do you know what, I’ve got nothing to lose here. I’m going to ask him! This will be an interesting social experiment… stay tuned.

Get a life

I was told me a couple of months ago to ‘get a life’. It wasn’t said to be mean or upset me but it did upset me, at first. My immediate reaction is ‘what the heck is he talking about?’. I’ve got lots of friends and I’m always out and about, I’ve travelled, I’ve partied, I’ve had a couple of failed relationships, I’ve lived.

I’ve participated in many rites of passage including my ‘Wild West’ themed 21st party, concerts and festivals every year.

Went on a Rumspringa Contiki tour(s)- 8 countries in 15 days through Europe and then New Zealand.

Worked the Ritual customer service jobs and those three days working in a sand paper factory. (Working at Blockbuster Video- the kids wouldn’t even understand)

Vision quests- island hopping including drink, dance, sleep (repeat) at a full moon party in Koh Phangan – finding out a month later that all the sleeping was due to being diabetic!

Obligatory jumping out of a perfectly good plane.

Feeling like I was going to plummet to my death from ‘treetop adventures’.

Surviving the weird and wonderful food in China and walking… no, climbing…. no, hands and feet crawling up the steep stairs on the Great Wall of China to drink a warm beer at the top!

Discovering what it’s like to live the song Bangarang, experiencing a 17 hour sleeper train in China and again in Vietnam- sliding forwards, backwards, side to side and up and down over the train tracks in bed.

So how have I not got a life? Oh, failed relationships….

I may have a big social network and exciting adventures but I’m not making a life for myself with my own family….it was my Dad who said it to me. My kind and caring Mumma and Pappa just want me to be happy and make sure I’ve got someone else in my life.

Well it’s not exactly from a lack of trying. Mr Suave ghosted me after five dates. ICE COLD SUAVE.

I’m quite nice and often sweet (or raging, there’s becoming less in between and I’ve been told I’m cute. However I want to be fierce!

Men might not like ‘fierce’ but if I’m to get a life, and that’s not with a partner, then I want to be doing and saying things that have impact.

Get a life you’re proud of.

I’m passionate about equality and girls empowerment but previously felt a bit useless trying to change the world. I came across One girl and their Do it in a dress fundraiser.

From what I understand, Primary School ceases at 10 years old in Africa. So what do girls do then? They either have to look after the home and the rest of the family, find work, or (most likely) be sold by the family into marriage. This then leads to mistreatment by their much older husbands and certainly isn’t a life I’d wish for anyone!

For $300, a girl can continue her education with a scholarship for a year. So I wore a dress to my school, as a teacher, to meetings, walking the dog and to Pilates to raise money. Not only did I raise $845 but what was incredible was that 15 students were inspired to wear a dress and fundraise as well.

Five young boys joined in the cause. These boys are only 10 years old and were prepared to take the laughs and smash the stereotypes of wearing a dress to try and change the world and fight for equality. I was so proud of them!!

Together, we raised almost $4,000.