So, this is how we party now?

As I lay horizontal, his fingers brushed against me and then, pressing harder, went deeper. I moaned. He’d found the spot. In a matter of minutes, he’d made me feel so good. We’d only just met! In the shopping centre.

You’ve got a dirty mind! I was at a massage place suffering from back pain, again. Yet as I lay there trying to relax, yet in pain, I imagined I’d just found my dream guy. Awkwardly composing myself after my 30 minute massage, I actually looked at him properly. I came out of my ‘I could live like this getting massages every week’ haze and realised he wasn’t my future husband.

I just went home to my housemate like I usually do.

We partied into the night… ha, no we didn’t!

I’ve spent the last three months with my dog (Interspersed with seeing my family). Apart from a few walks with a friend, that’s about it for the next few months as well I fear.

I turn 40 this year and had dreamt of 40th parties all year long. Now I send my birthday friends birthday cards and ‘thoughts’ and that’s about all we can do. Parties have been postponed with many having to make decisions about ‘the biggest day of their lives’- choose to delay their wedding or just get married with their partner and a celebrant. Even funerals can only have a few attend. But I’ve found a party loop hole! Need more than 10 people? Go down the isle at the isles of Chemist Warehouse.

Who really wants to leave the house now though? COVID-19 has caused a lot of social anxiety. If someone says they went for drinks I now ask, where? I just can’t imagine going out now. An old friend said we should catch up and instead of feeling excited, a wave of anxiety washed over me- what would I wear? Where would we go? What would I say? Even my family just talks about the Corona virus ar times. It’s become the centre of every conversation and there’s no getting away from it.

This person is still living her best life! I was just on my way to the doctors (sigh).

Go bra-less! Oh wait, you probably already are. When social distancing in the house anything goes. Anything goes… but not on a Thursday night, please. My neighbours have the time of their life every Thursday.

I’ve spoken to them time and time again. I’ve called out the window. I’ve left them the noise regulations and I’ve called the police. I called the police again last night. But now everything is about Covid.

“They should not be making noise after 10pm on a Thursday. Are you in a Covid ‘hot spot’? (No) Is there more than 6 people there? (Probably four) If you are unsure if there’s more than 6 we can’t do anything. Please speak to your local council about the noise.”

I’ve become THAT person.

The grumpy older women giving the younger, carefree, people grief. However the younger people in Victoria are a bit too carefree right now in these Corona times (Daniel Andrews MP).

No matter what your age, we used to have so many events to look forward to: birthday parties, weddings, festivals, concerts but that’s all changed now. I hope that you can find a way to still live your best life in these times. But think of your neighbours!

Try Chemist Warehouse.

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Call off the search

When someone goes missing, a search starts day and night. But after a few days they begin to lose hope, less people are searching, the search is inconsistent, and after a long period of time, it’s called off all together. My boyfriend is missing.

I mean, he’s non existent.

My ideal boyfriend is missing.

I’ve been searching, high and low. After searching the online dating apps, I think it’s finally time to call off the search!

My friends don’t even search for me anymore. Even they have given up. Sure it’s exhausting so I’ve gone on and off the dating sites.

I actually had two people recommend I join e-harmony only two days apart. I had a little look as I thought it could be a sign. All the ads on TV sure make it look good.

Nope.

So I joined Tinder, for fun. I’m telling myself that I can be footloose and fancy free and just enjoy myself without worrying about whether they meet my expectations…. I’ll be casual whilst I’m still young enough to enjoy myself.

First mutual swipe right- chatty chat, talk about our dogs, some attraction, try to meet up. Can’t meet in first 3 days, now no reply. It’s a 21st century, instant gratification problem. Thank you, next.

Second mutual swipe right, that messages back- chatty chat, meet up same day! I know this is casual. I feel casual. The date goes really well. Before I know it, in the next 24 hours I’ve imagined our whole lives together! How does this happen?

Iliza Schlesinger calls it Girl Logic. How our brains process all of our past, present and future experiences: “The genius and the absurdity!”

I think the guys use their hunting tricks. They’ve evolved from cave men but now have other tricks to drag us back to their caves. They must know our brains go into overdrive or have these elaborate fantasies. On my date, he threw into our conversation:

You’re cute

You’re fun

I like you

I told my parents I was going on a date… they said when are you going to settle down and I replied, maybe this one.

Is tomorrow too soon for another date?

I’ll call you, should I call you tonight?

All of a sudden, I’m wanting more already. Do guys realise the carrots they dangle that give us hope? This guy is a player….

He didn’t call that night.

We didn’t meet a few days later like planned.

I received an invite during the next week to come over and wear my sexiest underwear.

I’m going to be more aware of the subliminal messages guys are sending and the manipulative words they use. Game on!!

A day in the life of a dog Mum

At school, I refer to my dog as my ‘fur baby’, to which my smart ass students ask “Did you give birth to her?” I reply as a smart ass… “Yes”!

This is for all the dog Mums and pawents to share the love and maybe get us a tiny bit of street cred as to why we refer to our dogs as babies! Those of you with human babies will have started off buying nappies or thinking about how to deal with poo disasters before they are toilet trained…. as do we (puppy toilet training pads or ‘floor nappies’). As a baby, they have to learn how to walk… so do puppies. I remember thinking that a dog just walks from day one but at twelve weeks old, after all their shots, they are still finding their feet, how far they can go and working out how to walk on a lead. So we carry them when they are tired and we coax them along just like a baby. We buy them toys and take a million photos as they grow. The similarities continue…

Is it a girl or a boy?

It’s traditionally pink for girls and blue for boys to identify your baby. Super old fashioned and a stereotype that needs to be thrown out, it stops the idiots on the street from asking mundane questions and misidentifying your baby. The confusion about my dogs sex is just as annoying. I ended up covering her in pink- pink collar, pink ID tag and a pink lead. ‘She’s a girl’ I’d cry out in my head when strangers approached us.

“Hello little fella”

“What a good boy”

“He’s a cutie”

I’d just referred to “she” chatting to a dude online. Can’t you read?!

Don’t eat that!

Whilst parents are worried about age appropriate soft toys and eating off the floor, I worry about dead birds, chicken bones, chop bones and a drunks left over Maccas mashed into the pavement.

She is so cute, people used to feed her dog treats through the fence. At the drive-in bottle shop, they offer dog treats through the window. They greet her at the vets with a little treat. Noooooo- she is allergic to EVERYTHING!

Is it a number 1? Number 2? Number 3….. ewwwwww

My friends that have had a baby comment on the poo disasters. Poop everywhere. The number 3 poo explosions are particularly hard to deal with and clean up. One poor little guy had gastro which was a complete nightmare!

“Car seat covered, bedding covered, child covered! Poo in the bed, poo on the floor, poo squirted in the portacot”

My doggo likes to roll in poo! If she runs off into the bush, she’s found wombat or kangaroo poo (just guessing) and down-dog pose to rub her neck and face in it. Sometimes rolls her whole body over it. Often just washed, she must be too clean. One day she rolled in a big dogs big sloppy poo and it was all over her face and neck and collar. She then tried to wipe off some on the grass, rubbing more of it into her face and eyes and choking.

Then there’s her own poo issues- I’ve wiped off messy poo, cut off dry poo, picked up a hell of a lot of poo everyday, broken bags with poo on my hands and running out of bags with improvising what the hell to do with the poo!

We struggle at bath time. Like your child cries or throws a tantrum, my baby hates the idea of a bath. Sometimes I get lucky and she can wash off in the ocean. Oh wait, this beach was covered in oil spills from the boats…. sigh.

Doctor, doctor!

A Mum proclaimed “Freaking continuous cold. Sodding day care.”

My house has been fleamageddon! After dog sitting in January, I have been fighting a flea pandemic that I continually seem to be losing.

She’s allergic as I mentioned….. allergic to meat and protein, grass, dairy, and gluten. (What’s left for her to enjoy? Carrots). She has skin infections, ear infections, bladder infections almost non stop. The Vet bills are non stop. So are the calls to Mum for advise… just like a baby.

Sleepless nights

There’s licking, scratching, crying, toilet needs, teething, wanting to sleep with Mum, nightmares, and sickness which means I haven’t slept through the night for almost seven years.

So… I call her my baby!

I’m not that naive and know that they are different. How many of you are dunking your babies in the ocean to get clean?!

Happy Easter!!

Rate my beaches

I decided to take a road trip down the Mornington Peninsula in Melbourne for the day. Amongst the tea trees are some of the most beautiful beaches in Victoria.

The first stop in Rosebud was so relaxing, not another person walking along the beach, sharing it with the swans and the boat birds. Whilst the town is filled with campers and fishing folk from the foreshore camping and casual pubs, they certainly weren’t on the beach.

My second stop in Sorrento was for lunch and as you walk towards the cafes you actually have to leave the beach views behind. Less campers here, more holiday makers staying in their beach houses and where the rich or famous come to play. Day trippers come over on the car ferry from Queenscliff. At the cafe with me, is Martha and Michael from Married at First Sight fame. A nasty piece of work on the show, she politely let two young girls have their photos taken with them.

If my life was like these beaches, I’d be calm and peaceful, beautiful and rich! My local beaches smell like salt and seaweed with all kinds of plastic and rubbish washed up. Then I found one that was roaring in Portsea….

Imperfect rock formations, worn away over the years by the wind and the waves. Like most of us, trying to stand their ground but everyday faced with being stood on and washed over with the surf pounding away.

Like a single girl, you had to make an effort to get close to it (all the many steep stairs) and it wasn’t just going to let anyone near. If you make the effort, it’s worth it!

On the way back, I couldn’t resist stopping at Shelley Beach and it didn’t disappoint. I was collecting old sea shells by the waves when a dog approached me to play ball. Accidentally ending up in the water I stepped towards it just as the tide was coming in, fast. My skirt was saturated as I ran back away from the water, ball in hand, laughing.

As I continued walking along with the dog, it kept running further and further away with the ball. I soon realised it was used to playing by itself.

It knew that if it left the ball by the water, the tide would push it back to it! It was playing ball all by itself.

You don’t need a partner to enjoy adventures. I had a great day out by myself with my love of the beach! I hope you do something enjoyable for yourself this weekend.

I am a feminine feminist

Some people still think of Feminism like it’s a dirty word! It’s not a lesbian, who no longer washes or shaves and hates men. What’s fun though…. is that it can be.

You can also be a feminine feminist!

I can never own enough dresses. Dresses work no matter what season. Throw on some leggings and boots during winter and get your legs out in summer. My colleague loves pink! Pink errrryythang! So what? It’s just a colour.

A Feminist just wants equality for all. They have a belief that you can be whatever and whomever you want to be. Blokes can be feminist. Don’t be scared and confused. It’s time to educate yourself!

dictionary.com

It seems that we are in the fourth wave of feminism. How sad, that this is the fourth time we are trying to make a difference and get the world to stand up and listen so that changes are made. How many waves will it take?

The first wave of feminism came about from the suffragettes who worked hard to get women the right to vote. This continued throughout war times when the traditional role of women started to change and women found themselves working outside the home for the first time.

J. Howard Miller’s We Can Do It poster from 1943.

The second wave of feminism was in the 70’s with Germaine Greer at the forefront. Women were still fighting to reduce inequalities, and change the roles of women in the family, the workplace, and to gain reproductive rights. “Feminists: What were they thinking?” Netflix Film interviews the women that posed for a book of photos “Emergence” by Cynthia McAdams during the height of this movement.

Be a good girl…. well that implies that we weren’t good girls. I’ve only known that ‘no’ can be a complete sentence in the last 10 years. (Jane Fonda)

In order to change it, we had to become disobedient (Judy Chicago)

Our bodies, our lives, our right to decide.

We want equality, we want it now (protesters chants)

The women’s naked body was no longer reserved for pornography. The body was a source of pride and of health. The body was to be celebrated and enjoyed.

The third wave of feminism came about in the 90’s- individuality and diversity was the goal. (As an 80’s born child, I don’t recall anything about this movement but I certainly had the privilege of looking and sounding just like one of the guys. There were less gendered experiences).

The fourth wave of feminism is now! This movement is to eliminate sexual harassment, assault, and misogyny. Think of the #metoo campaign where women are standing up and speaking out. We need to end violence against women. White Ribbon Australia states statistics like:

One woman a week is murdered by her current or former partner.

1 in 5 women have experienced sexual violence since the age of 15.

It’s not widely spoken about outside of teaching circles but the Australian Government undertook a Royal Commission into Family Violence and subsequently developed a program to be taught in schools ‘Respectful Relationships’. “Evidence shows that gender-based violence can be prevented by working with the whole population, and in this case, all schools, to address the attitudes, beliefs and knowledge that supports the prevention of violence.” (Department of Education)

227 recommendations were made! If we still need to make that many changes, what are you going to do differently?

Even if you are not female, everyone has a Mum, or Grandma, or sister, niece, cousin, aunt, girlfriend, wife and/or female friend. I want you to consider…. how could you NOT be a feminist?!

 

 

Single life

In its absolute most simplest form there’s three types of lifestyles- those with kids, couples, singles. Of course it’s natural to compare and contrast what life must be like. I love the comedy, parodies and challenges that come out!

Here’s some of the best:

With kids-

People with no kids don’t know

Comedian Michael McIntyre shows how impossible it is for him and his wife to leave the house with two kids! Highly worth a watch as he replicates trying to get his boy to school on time and planning on going to a new restaurant… say, never.

I agree, I certainly have no problems leaving the house:

Baby mugging- I was literally begging my friends to take photos of their babies ‘in a mug’. Check out http://www.babymugging.org

Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Cheese challenge– taking a cheese slice and throwing it into your kids face to see if it sticks and they laugh.

No kids and single- 

Dog moms rap: it’s an oldie but a goodie.

Casually strolling with a turd in my hand…..

This song’s for all the ladies who provide for their pup.

‘Cause they say you ain’t my baby, but I know that ain’t true!

Yo I don’t need a man to come home to, cos my bed is a literal bone zone. Fall asleep to the sound of you licking your parts…. (T-Spoon & ZZ Tophalf)

Dog Cheese Challenge- don’t have a baby, just need cheese and a pet!

There’s just not enough around for the singles.

We make too much food and have no one else to eat it so it gets thrown out, or like me, have a freezer full of leftovers I don’t want. On the flip side, why cook for one, just eat too much takeaway!

There’s no one to help with maintenance jobs so I have one light out that I can’t reach. I google everything or call Mum and Dad for a second opinion.

Hi Mum, I’m just wondering…. can you give me a second opinion on… (I really don’t have a clue but I’m 38 and should stop calling my parents)

Google:

• What is a cubic metre?
• Where is Niger?
• How many kids does Constance Hall have?
• Can dogs overdose on flea medication?
• What did Luke Perry die from? 😩

Working in HR, I’d get personal leave requests when employees had to be a carer. Fair Work Australia states eligibility for carers leave:

A member of the employee’s immediate family means a spouse, de facto partner, child, parent, grandparent, grandchild or sibling of an employee; or a child, parent, grandparent, grandchild or sibling of the employee’s spouse or de facto partner.

My family includes my parents, sister, dog and best friends. Is the immediate family definition old fashioned now?

We take melatonin to fall asleep by ourselves, coffee to wake us up in the morning. We tell our dogs about our day, and we ask them about theirs!

Don’t forget the single people.

Why we love Cruella de Vil characters

Have we all learnt from the Married at First Sight TV series that you can be cruel and popular? What a terrible message! Disney’s Cruella de Vil was both brunette and blond, representing all the cruel women. She was horrible and we were all worried about those puppies. Married at First Sights success is based around the same premise- we are all watching on to see if the puppies are okay and Cruella gets what’s coming to her.

Cruella has been played by Ines, Elizabeth, Susie, Cyrell and now Jessika. They havn’t cast many ‘normal’ girls as that doesn’t get the ratings. For last Sunday’s dinner party episode, 1.9 million viewers tuned in! (Source: Nine Comms)

The most watched show on Australia television.

MAFS Executive producer, Peter Walsh, claims they are not paid actors and it’s not scripted in an interview by Alex Carlton.  With the headline that he regrets this season, it’s just more hype for us to tune in to! A producer regrets nothing that gets 1.9 million viewers.

I think the reason we are intrigued by ‘car crash TV’ like MAFS is somewhat complicated. We want all these things:

1. They’ll get what they deserve and we get to see it! It’s rare that we have someone mean or rude in our lives and whilst we hope karma will bite them in the bum, or someone calls them on their bullshit, we don’t see the aftermath.

2. It distracts us from our real life or makes us feel better about our own issues.

3. It makes us feel connected- When others talk about it, we can join in with our thoughts and feelings. It becomes a real life social experiment for what is and isn’t acceptable behaviour to different people.

4. We are hopeful that good wins in the end! We have to check in on the puppies.

I had decided I wasn’t going to watch anymore. I wanted to take a stand against the lack of role models and decent people.

Girl code doesn’t exist to me …

Sam would make a really good Father because he looks great with his shirt off… (Ines, MAFS)

But MAFS talk comes up at parties on the weekend and at work during the week! My Mum and I text throughout the show when we watch it at the same time but live an hours drive away. Whatsapp messages with friends ping when Cruella does and says something stupid. As much as I hate it, I want to watch it for all the reasons above. Like the 1.9 million others, I’m sucked in.

Get her running in the morning

The ‘groom’, Sam, has just met his ‘bride’, Elizabeth, for the first time on Married at First Sight.

He’s already told the cameras he just hopes she has a good smile and is a positive person. He also tells us that he doesn’t like being judged on his looks. He said that personality is more important than looks…

The next statement we hear him say is that she’s bigger than what he’s dated before:

She’s probably been self conscious of that in previous relationships. I’ll get her up running in the morning. But she’ll be right. We’ll get her going.

You. Arrogant. Arsehole.

This woman does not need to go running on a morning. Unless she wants to!!

We then hear Sam talking to his mates about how far to go on the wedding night.

I don’t want to shut her down. She’s very happy.

His mate says, in so many words, that intimacy might make them closer and relax more. He’s still unsure and says he’s just met her (true- most common sense thing he’s said all night) but then something else negative. Didn’t he want someone positive?

That’s a dire look on things, his mate says.

Sam, you are so good looking you may not be used to people telling you to take a good hard look at yourself.

Elizabeth thinks he’s a lovely gentlemen. We’ll be watching you Sam, I hope you are.

I hope she doesn’t want to go all the way.

The other couple we meet – Lauren and Matt are both super nice. He’s super stressed as he hasn’t kissed a girl for 7 years and the viewers already know the marketing team have called him the 29 year old virgin.

Surely this won’t come out Day one?! Of course it does. He reveals:

I’m actually still a virgin

Her response:

Shit!

He goes on to explain that he wanted to manage her expectations about the night (he must have been shitting himself). Luckily they have a great chat and say really sweet things to make the other feel good.

She makes up for her initial reaction:

I want to get to know you on a deeper level. Thank you for sharing and being honest.

Why is he a virgin? He didn’t want to be vulnerable.

Now you are just going for it. You are so brave.

Coming up in the next ep…. one of the grooms bolts!

Ah Sam, that’s not very gentlemanly. Maybe someone told you that you should be the one to go for a run!

Married, at first … sigh

Married at First Sight Australia 2019 aired this week. There’s ten couples the ‘experts’ have matched up and we saw six of them walk down the isle to someone they’ve never met and know nothing about!

I didn’t particularly want to watch couples relationships for five nights a week but once you watch a bit… the ad breaks are well timed and marketing is on point to intrigue us and imply disaster. You can’t help but watch more.

The first couple we meet is Jules and Cameron. He’s an ex–pro Cricketer that dedicated his life to cricket and had his priorities wrong (enter fake spewing noises as I don’t try to control my feelings towards guys obsessed with sport and the cricketer I dated for two years who did nothing but cricket!)

It’s ok though as he’s not too short, still has his hair and has a nice smile. He’s saying all the right things and wants kids. He danced at the wedding when the music didn’t play. He hasn’t stopped smiling. Cue the happy ending. Urgh, maybe I’ll have to change my mind about cricketers.

We then meet Nic and Cyrell. She has a overly protective and aggressive brother. He is cool, calm and collected and manages to stand his ground. We find out he’s survived testicular cancer and has to tell his ‘wife’ on national tv that he can’t ejaculate (it goes into his stomach!) but he can still have kids through IVF- phew!

Mick (they mustn’t be filming Farmer Wants a Wife anymore) lives with sheep so is stunned to marry blond bombshell (is there more to her) Jessika. She walks off on him when he asks if she’s just there for Instagram rather than a real relationship. If she can’t put down her phone and have a proper conversation, she’s not going to move to a farm unless it’s glamorous mud wrestling that’s photographed as she models ‘for a hobby‘ (cough, instagram).

Ning is a sweety at heart with three kids but she’s built a wall around her heart and defends her castle with bad jokes and awkwardness. Will Mark persevere trying to get to know her? Well he has nothing else on the go at the moment so why not.

Mike and Heidi- both hot, fun loving, adventure seeking, nomads. He’s a sparky that’s ignited women’s loins around the world (so he says) and she’s…. I don’t know, I’m so distracted by her hair! And her Barbie body.

Heidi tried to have a deep and meaningful about her life and got shut down because he was impatient and too hot. Maybe he was too distracted by her hair too. He seems like a fuck boy.

Dino is a meditation coach. Well I think he wants to be hired as a meditation coach. He certainly doesn’t say a single sentence without a spiritual reference, mantra or meditation advice. I think his lips may have Botox. I don’t want to watch him but I can’t look away. They’ve matched him with his partner, Melissa, for the same reason I fear. Both train wrecks in their personal lives. Another confession to millions- she hasn’t had sex for 8 years and he called off an engagement as she didn’t like the ring!

So…. I certainly forget my troubles whilst watching theirs!

What would I want to confess to my husband on our wedding night and to all the viewers? I’m 6 years single now! Can I blame being diagnosed with diabetes and then adjustment disorder (depression and anxiety) for a couple of years of being single? Yeah, why not. The rest? Well, that’s just life. Could I go on the show? No, I’m over size 10!

Talking married says that still to come: the women are ‘raw’ and ‘outspoken’ and the experts will be ethically challenged…. intrigue, intrigue.

Can’t wait to see the other four couples!

Mr Tix all boxes except mine

I was raised with optimistic and caring parents and find I now run around with a generous dollop of positivity (life still sucks don’t get me wrong). When I tried to ‘rescue’ my ex boyfriends with my positivity in the past, it failed miserably! I wouldn’t do that again. Unfortunately one of them was an addict and looking back now, it was an incredibly unhealthy and toxic relationship.

Now what I fail at is the casual, loosey goosey approach when I find a potential partner rather than a project. But I’ve tried. Man was I a loose goose with Mr Ticks All Boxes (let’s call him Tix for short).

This time last year, I dated Mr Tix for 6 weeks and then he strung me along for another 4 weeks ‘on hold’ before he finally told me he’d met someone else.

For 10 weeks I tried to be positive. I tried to be easy going because he ticked all of my boxes.

Social and friendly (had a great smile and was quite positive)

 Close to his family and a good group of friends. We actually had some friends in common!

Fit-  playing sport rather than being obsessed with the gym

Job satisfaction

Very attractive with a great head of hair and nice, neat beard

 Easy to get along with- we laughed a lot and talked about all kinds

His story was that he had just got out of a long term relationship of 10 years with his first love. They also owned a house together but had been broken up for approx 4 months.

I was seeing him at least once a week and we grew close quite quickly. I went to his house after 2 weeks but he asked me to park down the road as his ex was quite difficult and he didn’t want to cause waves whilst they still owned the house together. Of course. I was casual, positive, easy-going.

After about 4 weeks, he cancelled on our weekend plans as ‘the shit had hit the fan’. His ex found out he was seeing someone and lost her mind. She supposedly declared her love for him and asked him to take her back. When he said no, she used the house against him. She demanded more money in the buy-out settlement, threatened he would never see their dogs again and took all the remaining furniture. Even their bed! He said he needed time to process this and sort things out. Instead of our plans, he had a few friends (that I didn’t know) over to his place to help him drown his sorrows in beer.

That week he said he couldn’t see me anymore as it was all too much at the moment. I was so understanding (casual, positive, easy going).

Two days later, he said he couldn’t stop thinking about me and we had to give this a chance. We were on again.

We kept seeing each other for another two weeks but there was quite a few nights he had to try and sort things through with his ex. They allegedly had to meet to try to negotiate the sale of the house and split assets. That’s cool.

At the 6 weeks mark, he was very stressed. He was trying to fix up things around the house to add value, clean it all, and then meet a range of real estate agents (that his ex also had to meet and approve) and then arrange for the house to be ‘dressed’ for inspections as she had taken all the furniture. It came to a head. He couldn’t see me anymore until this was sorted. We agreed to keep in touch and when the timing was right, if it was right for both of us, we could resume our romance.

We kept in touch and he text me and called me and said how amazing we were together but wouldn’t meet up.

At 10 weeks, he finally arranged a date with me!!!!!!! But I got strange texts all day. One of the last ones was worrying about wasting my time. He finally admitted, he was meeting up with me to give me the courtesy to tell me he had met someone else. I told him don’t bother and don’t contact me again.

I recently read Drew Barrymore’s book “Wildflower’ and there is chapter called ‘Door One’. She had just started seeing her now husband, Will and was over analysing everything.

Would sharing a life with someone mean I was no longer my own person but a ‘we’?….

How could I stay one of two, rather than becoming half of one…..

Just like anyone who is about to settle down, I started to examine everything.

I had already made my mind up about Mr Tix but he hadn’t and I just wanted to be in the running. Upon reflection, I think he had two girls ‘on the go’ and was weighing us up. The drinks with ‘friends’ to drown his sorrows included the friend he hooked up with. I worked in recruitment for 11 years and you always advise candidates of the recruitment and selection process, let them know of their status and provide them with feedback. Dating is the same process: several candidates, a couple are shortlisted and only one (should be) successful. But you never know the status of your application!! Its a blind process. 

Drew Barrymore’s friend, Liza, gave her this advise:

Everyone wants to overthink and analyse and take all the fun out of it and freak out, but the truth is you pick door number one. You choose the great person in front of you and you don’t play the game of Let’s Make a Deal and see what’s behind door number two because we are so conditioned to seeing what else is out there.

Of course Mr Tix was behind door number one. I was just waiting for him to choose me. Perhaps I was behind door number two and he wanted to give the other girl a chance first. I suspect he kept us both in the dark til he decided. My theory is that girls give door number one a chance and guys want multiple doors to open and like to play Let’s Make a Deal!

What’s your thoughts?

 

It hinges on this

The best things in life are free…… so they say. Well I’m now a free subscriber to Hinge, a reasonably new dating app. It’s done away with the swipe left or right phenomenon and instead asks you to like, or decline, users pictures and personal information.

For example, IF (come on Geordan, seriously) this was your thing, you would like it and can comment. I guess it’s maybe, very loosely, a conversation starter.

I in-real-life liked this topless picture but know it’s no good for me so hit x on the app.

You get 10 likes a day (America’s day time). This will be good for me so that I can’t go wildly swiping anymore – throwback to 200+ profiles! 

I reminded myself that the girl I’d hired in a moment of weakness, the bosomy, loud, tittering niece of Thilda’s, could have oiled the hinges (of the shop). Alberta… was at a long since marriageable, perhaps overripe, age, a pear just a bit too soft that would soon tumble to the ground under the weight of its own juices. She was not in possession of anything else that made her especially attractive, with the exception of said bosom. She was so ripe for the picking that she behaved as if every single person of the male persuasion that stepped in the shop was her intended.

(Maya Lunde, The History of Bees)

Is this me?????

Was the mad swiping of my past an attempt to find any male as my intended?

No, I have to remind myself there was a lot I declined and will continue to decline. But 10 likes a day will keep a lid on things and make sure I pick quality ‘applicants.’

I’m definitely bosomy too. Bosomy makes me picture chubby and very voluptuous, ney, if not, dare I say it, overweight-

But this is the ‘bosomy’ I’d like to be-

Hinge asks for your height, age, location, drinking and smoking preferences and interest in children but NOT your body type. Guess that’s why all the guys feel the need to post topless selfies, gym poses and this app even allows videos! So yep, I’ve already seen topless workouts. Thanks guys.

So I’ve turned online dating into a drinking game. Play along…

Needless to say, probably best to play on a weekend. I drank four beers playing Monday night…. happy fishing!

The challenge

I’ve detoxed off dating apps for a month. It actually feels amazing!

I wanted to work on myself without distractions. Imagine if I gave myself the same time and effort I’ve put into online dating. Let’s face it, the never ending cycle of men that don’t reply, sleazy come ons and small talk was exhausting.

Power is making decisions (The Outlaw King)

The first week off dating apps, I still needed a ‘hit’ from my phone. I was so used to checking it and notifications going off, I started messaging people more. I was proud of myself for starting conversations with people that I might not have if I was busy with dating apps. Then I realised…. I’m not chatting with ‘people’, I’m chatting with men. Single men. Single male friends. I’d just substituted Bumble for Messenger!

I eased off Messenger. Whatsapp became my next forum but at least I was communicating with girlfriends.

Matthew Hussey has some good advise on dating but also about being your best self. He set challenges for things to try….

The first time I walked past a good looking stranger- epic fail!

I found myself automatically looking down, or looking anywhere else, than directly at them.

As I live in an inner city, busy, beachside area there’s plenty of good looking strangers to practise on. Now that I’ve got my head held high and I’m trying to make eye contact, I may seem like a smiling psycho…..but I’m hoping it starts to become more natural!

I’m struggling with this one. I talk to strangers when I’m walking the dog and I’m nice but I don’t think that counts. I’ll have to keep an eye out for an opportunity.

I registered for Social Sixes (Cricket Victoria).

I didn’t go.

But I have lots of ideas for activities to try in the summer holidays.

Have I got fitter and healthier in the last month? No. I’ve drank more beer and eaten more chips than ever before.

Have I had a nice break from the dating merry-go-round, swiping R.S.I., bad spelling, mixed messages, and filthy suggestions? Yes. Let’s call it a success!

Baby, dance with me

When I was a little fish (18-24 years old) I loved clubbing and usually went out four nights a week! Dancing on top of podiums, or taking over the dance floor and belting out tunes. This was the sound track to my life and when I hear these songs played now, it takes me back to where I was that year, including what I was wearing.

In honour of NOT going to my 20th high school reunion this weekend, here’s five favourite dance songs from the naughty noughties:

2000– Can’t stop the Moonlight– Leanne Rhymes

I went on many a night club tour and danced on the bar like Coyote Ugly. That year all my clothes (and hopefully that of the time) was inspired by these girls. Fake leather pants and tiny tops. I also had a fake leather top and leopard print skirt that was a winner. Red pants and a tiny lace top. Damn, I wish I could pull that off now! Couldn’t even pull it on now.

2001– Dance with me –112

Singing at the top of my lungs “choc tops in the parking lot.” Turns out he was waiting in his convertible. Well I think choc tops is much more realistic.

I see you looking at me
I can tell by your eyes that your feeling me
And I really want you to get close to me
So won’t you dance with me… Dance with me
My drop tops in the parking lot
And I wanna take you back to my spot
But we still got a little more time to rock
So won’t you dance with me… Dance with me!

1999–2004 – Be Faithful– Fatman Scoop

If you go anywhere that’s playing hip hop, they will play this song! I’ve been dancing to it for over 14 years now. I would have danced to it every Thursday night 2000-2003 when I hadn’t started my professional career yet. You knew you were guaranteed to hear this one during the night and they often played ‘I’ve had the time of my life’ (Dirty Dancing) to wind down the night at 3:30am.

Fatman Scoop is so widely played that Australia’s new Prime Minister made reference to it only 3 weeks into his job, getting himself in hot water over the lyrics. He must have been trying hard to get a laugh as we didn’t vote him in.

Of course I liked this song, singing and making up awesome dance moves. Everyone loves a good audience participation opportunity.

Single ladies! I can’t hear ya! (Cupping my hand to my ear)
Single ladies! Make noise! (Miming a megaphone with my hands)

All the chickenheads, be quiet! (bobble head)

All the good lookin’ women sing along… (bump and grind)

If you’ve got long hair, put your hands up! (shake your hair, bobble head, hands up, bump and grind)

2002- Dirty- Christina Aguilera

Well this is a fan fave of everyone’s. When I was out with male friends they said they love this song too because when it comes on, all the girls turn slutty. The song didn’t do so well on the radio but I’m sure the film clip was well watched as she danced and ‘fought’ in the tiniest of bikinis in a fighting ring. We burned up the dance floor gyrating along as well. I loved her album ‘Stripped’ with both the CD and DVD regularly played, inspiring me with songs- Fighter, Beautiful, Underappreciated and The Voice Within. I died my hair black and wore it long, curly and messy.

2008 – Low- Flo Rida and T Pain

Apple bottom jeans, boots with the fur. The whole club was looking at her

Apparently this is the look that T Pain likes….. well boots with the fur in Australia has to be uggboots! No wonder the whole club was looking. You might get away with going down to the shops in your Uggs but not a club. But then she hits the floor and is so low and such an amazing dancer that no one cares. I always thought I was singing the wrong lyrics with ‘apple bottom’ but turns out I wasn’t! We then sing ‘Baggy sweat pants, Reboks with the straps’…. well this is the look that Flo Rida likes. No wonder I thought Uggboots on the dance floor was acceptable in this song.

As an Elder Millenial, I didn’t have a digital camera or smart phone during this time. If there’s no photos on social media, did it even happen? Yes, it did! For my 20th birthday night club tour, the host took photos and sent me printed photos a week later.

Whales communicate in song and the just like them, I feel strongly about having music in my life. It’s so powerful. It can lift you up or help you chill out. Luckily I’m surrounded by amazing people at work that love to sing and my sister will have a good sing along too. Enjoy some fun music this weekend and get jiggy with it (Thanks Will Smith)!

Get a life

I was told me a couple of months ago to ‘get a life’. It wasn’t said to be mean or upset me but it did upset me, at first. My immediate reaction is ‘what the heck is he talking about?’. I’ve got lots of friends and I’m always out and about, I’ve travelled, I’ve partied, I’ve had a couple of failed relationships, I’ve lived.

I’ve participated in many rites of passage including my ‘Wild West’ themed 21st party, concerts and festivals every year.

Went on a Rumspringa Contiki tour(s)- 8 countries in 15 days through Europe and then New Zealand.

Worked the Ritual customer service jobs and those three days working in a sand paper factory. (Working at Blockbuster Video- the kids wouldn’t even understand)

Vision quests- island hopping including drink, dance, sleep (repeat) at a full moon party in Koh Phangan – finding out a month later that all the sleeping was due to being diabetic!

Obligatory jumping out of a perfectly good plane.

Feeling like I was going to plummet to my death from ‘treetop adventures’.

Surviving the weird and wonderful food in China and walking… no, climbing…. no, hands and feet crawling up the steep stairs on the Great Wall of China to drink a warm beer at the top!

Discovering what it’s like to live the song Bangarang, experiencing a 17 hour sleeper train in China and again in Vietnam- sliding forwards, backwards, side to side and up and down over the train tracks in bed.

So how have I not got a life? Oh, failed relationships….

I may have a big social network and exciting adventures but I’m not making a life for myself with my own family….it was my Dad who said it to me. My kind and caring Mumma and Pappa just want me to be happy and make sure I’ve got someone else in my life.

Well it’s not exactly from a lack of trying. Mr Suave ghosted me after five dates. ICE COLD SUAVE.

I’m quite nice and often sweet (or raging, there’s becoming less in between and I’ve been told I’m cute. However I want to be fierce!

Men might not like ‘fierce’ but if I’m to get a life, and that’s not with a partner, then I want to be doing and saying things that have impact.

Get a life you’re proud of.

I’m passionate about equality and girls empowerment but previously felt a bit useless trying to change the world. I came across One girl and their Do it in a dress fundraiser.

From what I understand, Primary School ceases at 10 years old in Africa. So what do girls do then? They either have to look after the home and the rest of the family, find work, or (most likely) be sold by the family into marriage. This then leads to mistreatment by their much older husbands and certainly isn’t a life I’d wish for anyone!

For $300, a girl can continue her education with a scholarship for a year. So I wore a dress to my school, as a teacher, to meetings, walking the dog and to Pilates to raise money. Not only did I raise $845 but what was incredible was that 15 students were inspired to wear a dress and fundraise as well.

Five young boys joined in the cause. These boys are only 10 years old and were prepared to take the laughs and smash the stereotypes of wearing a dress to try and change the world and fight for equality. I was so proud of them!!

Together, we raised almost $4,000.

Chalk and cheese

I had two dates last weekend!!!! Go me! They were as different as chalk and cheese- what a strange expression. I thought the same as http://www.phrases.org.uk “There must be many pairs of things that are more different than chalk and cheese.” They claim it’s popularity is as simple as they are short and snappy words that alliterate. I’m going to work on coming up with another one.

Mr Suave was from an online dating app, the other was a ‘blind date’ (of course we checked each other out on Facebook first) set up by friends. Where Suave was tall, the other was short. Suave had dark hair, the other was greying. Suave had beers with me, the other coffee. Suave went halvies on the costs, the other let me pay. Suave lives within a reasonable distance, and the other is an hours drive away. Okay, it’s clear who I’m leaning towards.

At school, we teach the kids to identify similarities and differences, and usually make them put it in a Venn diagram! It’s also a reading strategy to compare and contrast which allows them to understand the book better and make real life connections. So what did these guys have in common that made them a good match for me?

They were similar in that neither of them owned a pet but agreed dogs were better. They both had their own home (whether rented or owned, we didn’t go into it) and had good jobs. Stable work that they somewhat enjoy, most days. Interestingly, I didn’t go into their family situations and neither did they. I think that’s a sign that we didn’t need the small talk about who has siblings and what age they are. Both were able to hold their own, and conversation flowed along the standard path of ask a question, respond yourself with a story, ask another……

Both were respectful- they didn’t try to touch me up or talk dirty!

But Mr Suave had it all.

He dressed well for the date and looked great in a floral (I don’t care what you think, I’m man enough to pull this off as fun and happy) shirt and nice shoes. As we sat down with our beers, I asked a bustling table and group standing if they minded us sitting down next to them. He handled it cool, calm and collected when a very drunk guy leaned in and told us with a slur and a wobble that you should just take things and not ask as he might have said no. We talked and laughed our way merrily into a second drink and then agreed to a third at a different bar he wanted to check out over the road. The third beer then turned into an espresso martini that he ordered for me as I had said I love them. We made our way over to a comfy couch and moved closer as it had got colder. Then it starts to become a blur…. We leaned in for a kiss and he suggested….. dancing! So off we went, walking hand in hand down the street and when I complained about walking in my heels, he ordered a taxi the rest of the way apologising to the driver “Sorry man, I know it’s a short trip. I’ll pay you extra.”

At the club, he paid for both of our entry costs ($20 each) and put our jackets together in the cloak room. He bought me a coke as I said I’d really had enough and we danced and made out for the next hour or so. He laughed at me as I danced to The Nutbush (OMG, I can’t believe I did that on a date!) and I laughed at him as we both enjoyed S Club 7. When I went to the toilets and realised how messy I’d become, I told him I had to call it a night and he put me in a cab home. We text all the next day… and lived happily ever after. Ha ha. No, we’ll see………

Photo by Gabriel Augusto on Pexels.com

I didn’t put my best foot forward when I met my coffee date. I had drank too much with Mr Suave so I was still a bit tired and shaky. I’m not a morning person so I had dry shampooed my hair and I didn’t feel as banging as I had last night. Because of the alcohol, I also had a (diabetic) hypo during the date and whilst I tried to hide it, my speech wasn’t coming out the same and I couldn’t think of the right words. I might have got away with it as nervous and cute… but I probably also seemed like a downright drip! This date lasted an hour.

Chalk and Cheese.

I really like cheese- Mr Suave has to be the cheese!

Speed dating

Online dating is starting to wear me down so I challenged myself to consider 200 guys in 7 days. My version of speed dating. One last energetic foray to see if I can burst through some of the barriers and get any results.

With a 25 km radius and age range of 35-42 years on Bumble, there seemed to be plenty of guys to look through. These guys had already looked at my profile and swiped right (yes) so if I liked their profile it was a guaranteed mutual match.

However, I was only into about 1 in 4 and swiped right for 54 of them.

Out of the 201 I said ‘no’ to, I had seen 23 of their profiles or chatted to them before! Two of them were in open relationships and stated that they were poly so there was no misunderstandings. As I continued on Sunday afternoon, I noticed that the distance of the matches grew significantly. One guy was 1 hour and 42 mins drive away in a place I’d never heard of! Bumble must expand the location so that you have always got matches. It’s kind but inconvenient.

That should have left me a lot of guys to talk to and plenty of dating options. Bumble requires the female to make the first contact and then the guys have 24 hours to respond or the match expires. Well, that meant that many of the matches disappeared. By Sunday night, I’m left with 13 that I have been talking to, and another 14 pending reply.

I’m talking with a puppy dog that I asked on a play date today, but he was busy.

I’m also talking with a (very well versed) 35 year old guy that I’ve planned to meet next Friday night for a drink in the city. This one excites me!

I turned down the guy who asked me over to his house on Thursday night to ‘play games’. Sometimes they turn me off straight away if I think that’s their M.O and don’t really care who I am. But this time, I tried to give him a chance. I get that the sexes communicate differently, maybe I shouldn’t be so quick to judge. You really need to stay true to your values though. I stand strong that I’m not going to go to a strangers house. If they want to meet me, then date me.

I feel confident that I will have two dates out of these matches. Let’s see what happens next…

	Yes	No
Monday	10	23
Tuesday
Wednesday	7	41
Thursday	8	33
Friday	7	18
Saturday
Sunday	24	86
TOTAL	54	201

My single vows

I have lost count of the amount of weddings I’ve been to over the years. Up until last night, the last one was about 3 years ago and there was not one single man there- none!

Getting ready for the latest wedding event, I suddenly thought

‘I might be the last single person left. What if the bride calls for the single ladies to catch the bouquet and it’s just me?!’

I tried to prepare myself for that moment and to find the courage to strive forward with conviction that I was single and proud. Luckily that moment never came. The bride didn’t throw her bouquet so we never had to find out who was still single. Let’s face it, why give away a gorgeous bouquet and the girl that catches it never gets married next!

I’ve written my own single vows.

I promise that I will never feel like half a person as I don’t have a partner.

I will take every opportunity to try new things, seek adventure, make new friends and enjoy the freedom that single life allows.

I will always love my baby, Sophie the dog, no matter how bad she smells and keep trying to find the source of her numerous allergies.

I will set myself up for success so that I can’t be a failure.

I’ve also imagined my partners vows! Yep, that’s what happens after hearing so many other people declare their love for each other’s little annoying personal traits or cute couple habits.

Fishing for information

I currently work as a Primary Teacher but my previous career was in Recruitment and Human Resources so I can talk to anyone, about anything! However it’s not a good sign when I hold up the conversation from both ends during a date. Maybe I over talk because of nerves. I think it’s also an indication that my date isn’t that into me. It’s certainly telling when they don’t ask me as many questions or can’t be bothered asking me anything!

I recently met a man for a date in the park walking our dogs and conversation flowed as we got to know each other. However I realised I was doing it again. I was asking all the questions. Telling him things without being asked.

We were talking about street art and making connections, I offered up that I have two tattoos. Let’s think about the art of conversation….he might ask….

Where are they?

What are they of?

Why did you get them?

But instead….. nothing!

The date continued on and we had a few beers but afterwards, I didn’t hear from him again. So to me, who is asking the questions is important.

A lot of online dating and apps now don’t have forms that you have to complete with information to join. The disadvantage with that is that it leaves all the questions to when you match with them!

However the apps that only match you based on questions don’t necessarily find people that you’re attracted to.

Common questioning is

Where do you live?

How long have you been single?

What are you looking for?

Do you want to come to my place or I can come to yours? (Stranger danger)

I’ve also been asked

Do you live alone? (Creepy!)

I just joined Plenty of Fish, POF (again) to see if I would get more conversations and dates than Bumble. POF doesn’t have a location filter but the age range can be applied as well as a lot of fields-

• Height
• Body type
• Wants kids, has kids, does not
• Ethnicity
• Job title
• Income range
• Religion
• Intent (casual, dating, relationship, marriage),
• Education level
• Smoking status
• Drinking habits
• Personality type
• Star sign
• Eye colour
• Pets
• Language
• Longest relationship
• Ambitious-ness

It also shows ‘about me’ and ‘conversation starters’ that they’ve come up with.

I think that soooo much information is supplied, it’s almost harder to start a conversation as you’d look a bit stupid if you ask a getting-to-know-you question about info that’s already been supplied. So does it overcome the basic small talk for status info that Bumble and Tinder takes hours to determine they are the wrong type of fish, or does it create a different problem for conversations? Hopefully it does alleviate the small talk and can fast track to the important stuff.

It tells me that in under 24 hours that 160 guys are interested in me! None have sent me a message to say hi or ask a question 🤔😫😭

With all these info fields available, these 99+ guys are just using the Russian Roulette type swiping feature. Come on guys, put in some effort to getting to know us. We are worth it!

How to catch a fish

“Success is when preparation meets opportunity” (Nick Cummins, The Bachelor Australia)

The times they are a changing. Gone are the days you were guaranteed to meet someone out on the dance floor and if over 30, there’s no more single friends to introduce! So we resort to online dating and trying to get matches. Most sites are random. You throw in your fishing hook in a designated pool/area and decide whether each one you (swipe right) try to pull up or (left) let off the hook. Then you try to strike up a conversation. Hopefully make a date. See if you get along for a second date. But that fishing line can get snagged and snap at many stages.

One of Matthew Hussey’s strategies is to ask a man (in real life) to take a photo of you to break the ice and make contact. But what if you can’t see a man you want to approach? I figure that is probably still better than seeing someone you like but not knowing how to approach them. I have probably let many opportunities pass me by over the years! I’m working on being prepared.

So what are some of the options for online dating in Melbourne?

• Bumble
• Tinder
• POF (Plenty of Fish)
• Ok Cupid
• RSVP
• eHarmony

I’m using Bumble at the moment. The success rate seems to be about 1 in 5 matches with 50% response rate.

For example, if 100 men liked me, I would then find 20 are a mutual match. If I contacted all of them, I would get a reply from 10. From that, at the moment, I’d be lucky to get 1 date.

What are the best days to fish?

I’ve had the most responses on Wednesdays and Thursdays as well as Sundays. There seems to have been a big increase of the amount of guys online since the Bachelor Australia started 2 weeks ago! (Screening Wednesdays and Thursdays but it could be a coincidence).

When you are talking online, you need to have some talking points in mind. The most responses I have received have been after saying Hi and asking them a question about something in their profile or pictures.

I got 0 replies with these lines

Hey there 😁

2 truths & a lie…. ready, set, go!

These got 1-2 responses

There’s a lot of pressure making the first move, be nice to me 🤣

What’s one destination you haven’t been to yet or that you must go to before you die?

Almost Friday, can you describe your weekend ahead in 3 emojis?

Friday nights I get less matches but it seems easier to start a conversation ….they just don’t really go anywhere. I think Friday & Saturday chats are for quick hook ups. I got 3 replies with just ‘Happy Friday 👌’

I’d really rather talk to single people in person. I heard somewhere that if you read a magazine backwards in public, it’s meant to mean you are available! Some other countries have small gestures to show whether they are available. In Samoa, if you have a flower over the left ear you are taken, right side you are available. In Ireland, if you wear a Claddagh ring on your left hand and you turn the ring pointing away from you, this indicates you are looking for love. India has different coloured bindis where single or widowed women wear black or white bindis, with red signalling married.

Apart from traffic light parties at University, what could we start in Australia?

If you have one of these customs in another country, do they work as signals?

What online chats have worked for you?