Girl on the shelf

 

Forget the elf on the shelf phenomenon, we are facing another world wide sensation: girl left on the shelf. Great women are still single and in this department store of life, being overlooked for other ‘toys’. Like the elf, girl on the shelf also moves around in different positions but when the buyers come along, there’s none that they want to go home with permanently. So they go back on the shelf. They’d rather be on the shelf doing funny poses and popping up in different places looking amazing!

The Bachelor Australia has just burst its way into our lives again with the social experiment that bachelor Matt has 25 girls to choose from! 1:25, yep that’s how I think it is in the real dating world too. Not only is there so many women to choose from on the show, there’s doubles of the types of women. Doppelgangers.

She looks like me!

A blonde cried out as another blonde girl walked in to be chosen from. (Nicole and Monique, Source: Network Ten)

She’s Persian!

The other Persian girl couldn’t believe it. (Sogand and Danush, source Network Ten)

Out there in the big wide world will be another version of The Little Starfish but with a flatter stomach or smaller boobs. There’s probably thousands alike. In fact, I know another great brunette, of the same age and body type, that lives up the street and she is probably swiping right on all the same guys that I’m swiping right. We shouldn’t have to compete with each other. However, like reality TV, it often comes down to ‘pick me, pick me’ or ‘why don’t they see I’m amazing’. The guys probably see these options in girls-

Rachel Corbitt, guest presenter on The Project last week proclaimed that she is 38 and single. She said that when people are talking to her about being single and not having a boyfriend or kids, they feel sorry for her. She made it clear that she doesn’t need anyone to feel sorry for her, saying “I have an amazing life.“

When dating new people I get asked “why are you still single?” and I’ve tried various explanations. Everything from long rambling examples from the past few years to sassy feminist statements. A guy recently said to me “because I choose to be.” How simple and powerful is that?!

By saying no (swiping left) to all of the sleezy morons who can’t spell, I choose to be a girl on the shelf. Because I am amazing. I can only hope the 24 girls that The Bachelor says no to can hold their heads high. The selection process of finding a mate is brutal. Oh, but we love to watch it!

By a girl on a shelf.

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Call off the search

When someone goes missing, a search starts day and night. But after a few days they begin to lose hope, less people are searching, the search is inconsistent, and after a long period of time, it’s called off all together. My boyfriend is missing.

I mean, he’s non existent.

My ideal boyfriend is missing.

I’ve been searching, high and low. After searching the online dating apps, I think it’s finally time to call off the search!

My friends don’t even search for me anymore. Even they have given up. Sure it’s exhausting so I’ve gone on and off the dating sites.

I actually had two people recommend I join e-harmony only two days apart. I had a little look as I thought it could be a sign. All the ads on TV sure make it look good.

Nope.

So I joined Tinder, for fun. I’m telling myself that I can be footloose and fancy free and just enjoy myself without worrying about whether they meet my expectations…. I’ll be casual whilst I’m still young enough to enjoy myself.

First mutual swipe right- chatty chat, talk about our dogs, some attraction, try to meet up. Can’t meet in first 3 days, now no reply. It’s a 21st century, instant gratification problem. Thank you, next.

Second mutual swipe right, that messages back- chatty chat, meet up same day! I know this is casual. I feel casual. The date goes really well. Before I know it, in the next 24 hours I’ve imagined our whole lives together! How does this happen?

Iliza Schlesinger calls it Girl Logic. How our brains process all of our past, present and future experiences: “The genius and the absurdity!”

I think the guys use their hunting tricks. They’ve evolved from cave men but now have other tricks to drag us back to their caves. They must know our brains go into overdrive or have these elaborate fantasies. On my date, he threw into our conversation:

You’re cute

You’re fun

I like you

I told my parents I was going on a date… they said when are you going to settle down and I replied, maybe this one.

Is tomorrow too soon for another date?

I’ll call you, should I call you tonight?

All of a sudden, I’m wanting more already. Do guys realise the carrots they dangle that give us hope? This guy is a player….

He didn’t call that night.

We didn’t meet a few days later like planned.

I received an invite during the next week to come over and wear my sexiest underwear.

I’m going to be more aware of the subliminal messages guys are sending and the manipulative words they use. Game on!!

Why we love Cruella de Vil characters

Have we all learnt from the Married at First Sight TV series that you can be cruel and popular? What a terrible message! Disney’s Cruella de Vil was both brunette and blond, representing all the cruel women. She was horrible and we were all worried about those puppies. Married at First Sights success is based around the same premise- we are all watching on to see if the puppies are okay and Cruella gets what’s coming to her.

Cruella has been played by Ines, Elizabeth, Susie, Cyrell and now Jessika. They havn’t cast many ‘normal’ girls as that doesn’t get the ratings. For last Sunday’s dinner party episode, 1.9 million viewers tuned in! (Source: Nine Comms)

The most watched show on Australia television.

MAFS Executive producer, Peter Walsh, claims they are not paid actors and it’s not scripted in an interview by Alex Carlton.  With the headline that he regrets this season, it’s just more hype for us to tune in to! A producer regrets nothing that gets 1.9 million viewers.

I think the reason we are intrigued by ‘car crash TV’ like MAFS is somewhat complicated. We want all these things:

1. They’ll get what they deserve and we get to see it! It’s rare that we have someone mean or rude in our lives and whilst we hope karma will bite them in the bum, or someone calls them on their bullshit, we don’t see the aftermath.

2. It distracts us from our real life or makes us feel better about our own issues.

3. It makes us feel connected- When others talk about it, we can join in with our thoughts and feelings. It becomes a real life social experiment for what is and isn’t acceptable behaviour to different people.

4. We are hopeful that good wins in the end! We have to check in on the puppies.

I had decided I wasn’t going to watch anymore. I wanted to take a stand against the lack of role models and decent people.

Girl code doesn’t exist to me …

Sam would make a really good Father because he looks great with his shirt off… (Ines, MAFS)

But MAFS talk comes up at parties on the weekend and at work during the week! My Mum and I text throughout the show when we watch it at the same time but live an hours drive away. Whatsapp messages with friends ping when Cruella does and says something stupid. As much as I hate it, I want to watch it for all the reasons above. Like the 1.9 million others, I’m sucked in.

This one time

The phone rang again. It was an unknown +227 number trying to call me through Whatsapp. I hadn’t answered so they were trying again. Two messages later, I blocked them!

I took your phone number off Instagram and I find your words very interesting.

According to google, the call was coming from West Africa. I don’t want to seem uncaring, but why would a guy reach out to me in Australia from West Africa via phone call?! What was his agenda? I am interesting, that much is true, but I’m sure there is other interesting people in Africa. If he was trying to engage with me because I’m single, there’s a lot of single people closer dude. This will not work out. I’ll never know. This one time that someone tried to contact me from West Africa, I blocked them!

This one time I went on a date in the park. We brought our dogs along and walked and chatted. It was great! No awkward eye contact as we just strolled on as our dogs ran around. They weren’t really the right size to play with each other but they were both females so everyone was getting along. At one point, his dog was playing with another Staffordshire Bull Terrier and he had to call it back. Close call, or so I thought. He text me the next day:

I’ve had to take Tara to the vet. She was bitten on the head at the park. The wound has been bleeding and infected.

I sent back empathetic pleasantries and asked about his dog again a few days later. I never heard from him again! I didn’t bite his dog…

Last weekend I was stood up!

We arranged to meet around 9pm and when I left my house I messaged my old friend that after travelling by public transport I’d get to the venue at 9:50pm. She said no problem…. yep, it was a girl friend. She knew I was travelling into the city by myself but when I arrived, she wasn’t at the bar we had planned to meet at and wasn’t responding to my messages. 30 mins later she contacted me with a reply to one of my first messages…. not answering ‘where are you’?

I text everyone else that would respond. It was a real low point as a single girl. To have gone to the effort of getting ready, head out by myself, 50 mins into the city and then standing alone at night. Luckily I had a number of friends that offered me moral support. So I had a beer by myself and listened to a busker before I decided to head home. It took my friend that I was meant to meet another hour to ask me where I was?! She was heading to a different bar now. I didn’t want to chase her around the city, I was done.

It just so happens that one of the people I reached out to that texted me back was a new guy friend. We are going to catch up this weekend…

Tell me about it, stud!

Tinder nights

Summer loving had me a blast
Summer loving it was over, oh so fast
I met a girl crazy for d!ck
Met a boy but he was a prick
Summer days drifting away to oh oh the Tinder nights

Tell me more, tell me more
Did he live very far?
Tell me more, tell me more
Was it cramped in his a car?

I lay by him, pretending to cramp
He panted by me, not even damp
I tried to give head but I nearly drowned
He showed off, was waving it around
Summer sun I wish something had begun but oh oh the Tinder nights

Tell me more, tell me more
Was it lust at first sight?
Tell me more, tell me more
Did ya get a love bite?

Took her strolling, down to Woolworths
He said better get some condoms, don’t need no births

We made out, it was a bit of a mock
But we stayed out till he was hard as a rock
Summer fling don’t mean a thing but oh oh the summer nights.
Tell me more, tell me more
But you don’t gotta brag
Tell me more, tell me more
Did you hang on tight to your clutch bag?

He faked being friendly, holding my hand
She wanted to do it, down in the sand
He had a thing for feet, anything over eighteen
Well she had good feet, you know what I mean
Summer heat boy and girl meet but oh oh the Tinder nights.

Tell me more, tell me more
How much time did he spend?
Tell me more, tell me more
Could he just do me, without asking for a friend?

The weather turned colder that’s where it ends
So I told him “I’ve got enough friends”
Then we made our true love vow
“I just don’t really know whether I want a relationship right now”
Summer dreams ripped my good jeans but oh…

those Tiiiiinnder nnnnnniiiiiiiigghhhhhhhhhhttttttsssssss!

Dating urban legends

When you are single, everyone tells you about their friend or a friend of a friend who not only met someone on Tinder but fell in love and now they are married! I think they are the exception. The ‘rule’ is that most guys are just looking for a good time and sowing their wild oats.

They are the modern day urban legends. Stories start with ‘a girl I used to work with’ or ‘my sisters friend’…. they met someone online and are so in love.

I’ve been single for 6 years. Do you think I’m not trying?! I’m not fussy but I’m not going to try and hook up with anyone.

The other urban legends are the dating disaster stories!

Here’s an urban legend for you I was just told at work. It happened to a friend of a friend.

This girl arranged a second date with the guy she had started seeing. He said come over to my place and I’ll cook you dinner. She agreed.

After dinner she felt like she had to go to the toilet and simply couldn’t hold it in, she’d have to do a poo at his place. But it was bad. Really bad. She had so much poo everywhere that she needed to change her underwear, and clothes. She felt she would need to shower there. He was so understanding! He offered to take her clothes and put everything in a plastic bag. He offered her a t-shirt and shorts.

So, so far I’m thinking this girl is a bit dramatic. How bad did she have to go to the toilet? That messy, really?! Crazy, girl. Yep, this is gross. What a disaster.

It doesn’t end there.

As the girl came out of the bathroom, she caught him holding her underwear and messy clothes up to his face.

He had put a laxative in her food.

He had a faecal fetish.

So bad!!!!!!

One of my rules is don’t go over to random strangers houses. That’s just my values. I won’t think of sleeze bags, murderers or STDs anymore, I’ll be thinking of this story.

What a nightmare!

I had a dream last night that I was so desperate for a boyfriend that I went on a date with a drug dealer (not so bad yet). He couldn’t text me back properly or respond to any questions but his sister had contacted me and I met up with her so that she could tell me he was a good guy! I got ready for a date that he hadn’t confirmed, to go to a pub near his place. When I arrived, he didn’t remember the date and was on so many drugs he couldn’t stand up straight or talk properly. He was also keen to get back to his drug production and said he was banned from the local pub.

I tried to seduce him (you don’t have to stand up then) and pushed him up against a wall where I leaned in on him and tried to have a big tongue pash.

He said he’d be into it if he didn’t have to go help the guys with the drugs and had just taken something so he apologised for the taste in his mouth.

It wasn’t working and I started to feel disgusted with it all so I walked away with my head down and spitting the taste of foam out as I went.

I walked up a long drive or road with my cardigan in my hand (I’d even taken off some clothes) as I passed all the workers and then passed the customers that had taken the drugs and stayed to play shuttlecock….with birds!

Well dream interpreters, what do you say to that?

I am frustrated with online dating (again).

Please can my next dreams be better!! I’d love some dream hunks- Ryan Reynolds, Ryan Kwanten and the late Paul Walker. I need three dream catchers!

 

 

Get her running in the morning

The ‘groom’, Sam, has just met his ‘bride’, Elizabeth, for the first time on Married at First Sight.

He’s already told the cameras he just hopes she has a good smile and is a positive person. He also tells us that he doesn’t like being judged on his looks. He said that personality is more important than looks…

The next statement we hear him say is that she’s bigger than what he’s dated before:

She’s probably been self conscious of that in previous relationships. I’ll get her up running in the morning. But she’ll be right. We’ll get her going.

You. Arrogant. Arsehole.

This woman does not need to go running on a morning. Unless she wants to!!

We then hear Sam talking to his mates about how far to go on the wedding night.

I don’t want to shut her down. She’s very happy.

His mate says, in so many words, that intimacy might make them closer and relax more. He’s still unsure and says he’s just met her (true- most common sense thing he’s said all night) but then something else negative. Didn’t he want someone positive?

That’s a dire look on things, his mate says.

Sam, you are so good looking you may not be used to people telling you to take a good hard look at yourself.

Elizabeth thinks he’s a lovely gentlemen. We’ll be watching you Sam, I hope you are.

I hope she doesn’t want to go all the way.

The other couple we meet – Lauren and Matt are both super nice. He’s super stressed as he hasn’t kissed a girl for 7 years and the viewers already know the marketing team have called him the 29 year old virgin.

Surely this won’t come out Day one?! Of course it does. He reveals:

I’m actually still a virgin

Her response:

Shit!

He goes on to explain that he wanted to manage her expectations about the night (he must have been shitting himself). Luckily they have a great chat and say really sweet things to make the other feel good.

She makes up for her initial reaction:

I want to get to know you on a deeper level. Thank you for sharing and being honest.

Why is he a virgin? He didn’t want to be vulnerable.

Now you are just going for it. You are so brave.

Coming up in the next ep…. one of the grooms bolts!

Ah Sam, that’s not very gentlemanly. Maybe someone told you that you should be the one to go for a run!

Married, at first … sigh

Married at First Sight Australia 2019 aired this week. There’s ten couples the ‘experts’ have matched up and we saw six of them walk down the isle to someone they’ve never met and know nothing about!

I didn’t particularly want to watch couples relationships for five nights a week but once you watch a bit… the ad breaks are well timed and marketing is on point to intrigue us and imply disaster. You can’t help but watch more.

The first couple we meet is Jules and Cameron. He’s an ex–pro Cricketer that dedicated his life to cricket and had his priorities wrong (enter fake spewing noises as I don’t try to control my feelings towards guys obsessed with sport and the cricketer I dated for two years who did nothing but cricket!)

It’s ok though as he’s not too short, still has his hair and has a nice smile. He’s saying all the right things and wants kids. He danced at the wedding when the music didn’t play. He hasn’t stopped smiling. Cue the happy ending. Urgh, maybe I’ll have to change my mind about cricketers.

We then meet Nic and Cyrell. She has a overly protective and aggressive brother. He is cool, calm and collected and manages to stand his ground. We find out he’s survived testicular cancer and has to tell his ‘wife’ on national tv that he can’t ejaculate (it goes into his stomach!) but he can still have kids through IVF- phew!

Mick (they mustn’t be filming Farmer Wants a Wife anymore) lives with sheep so is stunned to marry blond bombshell (is there more to her) Jessika. She walks off on him when he asks if she’s just there for Instagram rather than a real relationship. If she can’t put down her phone and have a proper conversation, she’s not going to move to a farm unless it’s glamorous mud wrestling that’s photographed as she models ‘for a hobby‘ (cough, instagram).

Ning is a sweety at heart with three kids but she’s built a wall around her heart and defends her castle with bad jokes and awkwardness. Will Mark persevere trying to get to know her? Well he has nothing else on the go at the moment so why not.

Mike and Heidi- both hot, fun loving, adventure seeking, nomads. He’s a sparky that’s ignited women’s loins around the world (so he says) and she’s…. I don’t know, I’m so distracted by her hair! And her Barbie body.

Heidi tried to have a deep and meaningful about her life and got shut down because he was impatient and too hot. Maybe he was too distracted by her hair too. He seems like a fuck boy.

Dino is a meditation coach. Well I think he wants to be hired as a meditation coach. He certainly doesn’t say a single sentence without a spiritual reference, mantra or meditation advice. I think his lips may have Botox. I don’t want to watch him but I can’t look away. They’ve matched him with his partner, Melissa, for the same reason I fear. Both train wrecks in their personal lives. Another confession to millions- she hasn’t had sex for 8 years and he called off an engagement as she didn’t like the ring!

So…. I certainly forget my troubles whilst watching theirs!

What would I want to confess to my husband on our wedding night and to all the viewers? I’m 6 years single now! Can I blame being diagnosed with diabetes and then adjustment disorder (depression and anxiety) for a couple of years of being single? Yeah, why not. The rest? Well, that’s just life. Could I go on the show? No, I’m over size 10!

Talking married says that still to come: the women are ‘raw’ and ‘outspoken’ and the experts will be ethically challenged…. intrigue, intrigue.

Can’t wait to see the other four couples!

Mr Tix all boxes except mine

I was raised with optimistic and caring parents and find I now run around with a generous dollop of positivity (life still sucks don’t get me wrong). When I tried to ‘rescue’ my ex boyfriends with my positivity in the past, it failed miserably! I wouldn’t do that again. Unfortunately one of them was an addict and looking back now, it was an incredibly unhealthy and toxic relationship.

Now what I fail at is the casual, loosey goosey approach when I find a potential partner rather than a project. But I’ve tried. Man was I a loose goose with Mr Ticks All Boxes (let’s call him Tix for short).

This time last year, I dated Mr Tix for 6 weeks and then he strung me along for another 4 weeks ‘on hold’ before he finally told me he’d met someone else.

For 10 weeks I tried to be positive. I tried to be easy going because he ticked all of my boxes.

Social and friendly (had a great smile and was quite positive)

 Close to his family and a good group of friends. We actually had some friends in common!

Fit-  playing sport rather than being obsessed with the gym

Job satisfaction

Very attractive with a great head of hair and nice, neat beard

 Easy to get along with- we laughed a lot and talked about all kinds

His story was that he had just got out of a long term relationship of 10 years with his first love. They also owned a house together but had been broken up for approx 4 months.

I was seeing him at least once a week and we grew close quite quickly. I went to his house after 2 weeks but he asked me to park down the road as his ex was quite difficult and he didn’t want to cause waves whilst they still owned the house together. Of course. I was casual, positive, easy-going.

After about 4 weeks, he cancelled on our weekend plans as ‘the shit had hit the fan’. His ex found out he was seeing someone and lost her mind. She supposedly declared her love for him and asked him to take her back. When he said no, she used the house against him. She demanded more money in the buy-out settlement, threatened he would never see their dogs again and took all the remaining furniture. Even their bed! He said he needed time to process this and sort things out. Instead of our plans, he had a few friends (that I didn’t know) over to his place to help him drown his sorrows in beer.

That week he said he couldn’t see me anymore as it was all too much at the moment. I was so understanding (casual, positive, easy going).

Two days later, he said he couldn’t stop thinking about me and we had to give this a chance. We were on again.

We kept seeing each other for another two weeks but there was quite a few nights he had to try and sort things through with his ex. They allegedly had to meet to try to negotiate the sale of the house and split assets. That’s cool.

At the 6 weeks mark, he was very stressed. He was trying to fix up things around the house to add value, clean it all, and then meet a range of real estate agents (that his ex also had to meet and approve) and then arrange for the house to be ‘dressed’ for inspections as she had taken all the furniture. It came to a head. He couldn’t see me anymore until this was sorted. We agreed to keep in touch and when the timing was right, if it was right for both of us, we could resume our romance.

We kept in touch and he text me and called me and said how amazing we were together but wouldn’t meet up.

At 10 weeks, he finally arranged a date with me!!!!!!! But I got strange texts all day. One of the last ones was worrying about wasting my time. He finally admitted, he was meeting up with me to give me the courtesy to tell me he had met someone else. I told him don’t bother and don’t contact me again.

I recently read Drew Barrymore’s book “Wildflower’ and there is chapter called ‘Door One’. She had just started seeing her now husband, Will and was over analysing everything.

Would sharing a life with someone mean I was no longer my own person but a ‘we’?….

How could I stay one of two, rather than becoming half of one…..

Just like anyone who is about to settle down, I started to examine everything.

I had already made my mind up about Mr Tix but he hadn’t and I just wanted to be in the running. Upon reflection, I think he had two girls ‘on the go’ and was weighing us up. The drinks with ‘friends’ to drown his sorrows included the friend he hooked up with. I worked in recruitment for 11 years and you always advise candidates of the recruitment and selection process, let them know of their status and provide them with feedback. Dating is the same process: several candidates, a couple are shortlisted and only one (should be) successful. But you never know the status of your application!! Its a blind process. 

Drew Barrymore’s friend, Liza, gave her this advise:

Everyone wants to overthink and analyse and take all the fun out of it and freak out, but the truth is you pick door number one. You choose the great person in front of you and you don’t play the game of Let’s Make a Deal and see what’s behind door number two because we are so conditioned to seeing what else is out there.

Of course Mr Tix was behind door number one. I was just waiting for him to choose me. Perhaps I was behind door number two and he wanted to give the other girl a chance first. I suspect he kept us both in the dark til he decided. My theory is that girls give door number one a chance and guys want multiple doors to open and like to play Let’s Make a Deal!

What’s your thoughts?

 

Mr Big

I had my first Hinge app date last weekend with Mr Big. He described himself as 6 foot 3 inches but didn’t have many full body photos. He used words like lovely and proper sentences when chatting. The famous Mr Big from Sex and the City is notorious for being Carrie’s love of her life but also seriously noncommittal. I hoped he’d bring some excitement but not be that hard to get.

We hadn’t chatted online for long as I wanted to see what he was like in person. Earlier that day I had my nails done and therefor had nothing to do but sit and think. I ran through some date conversations and thought through some insightful answers to ‘why are you still single?’ and ‘how would you describe yourself?’, ‘tell me about your family’ and even ‘what’s it like being a teacher?’

He asked me…. nothing!

The date began finding a table in the air-conditioned pub as it was 38 degrees and organising beer. He then spent ten minutes telling me about his favourite TV show ‘American Gods’ and talking over my shoulder. Well he certainly wasn’t looking me in the eyes.

He said get me any beer. My approach was that at least I’d enjoy two beers if nothing else- I’ll get the first and then he can buy me one. If it’s not going well, we part ways. Well that’s a bit like the drunk trying to decide whether to drive or not… you think you’re not impaired and all is well. So after two, we said let’s find a spot on the water for another beer! We also need food. This is probably where it went wrong (if we didn’t already know in the first five minutes).

We surprisingly got in to Arbory, a very popular floating bar on the Yarra river but it was clear from the start there would be no seats- standing room only. I couldn’t imagine him casually standing and sipping a beer, and us both squeezing into a corner somewhere, he was big. Tall but also had quite a girth. I had a game plan. We made our way to the toilets to suss out the layout and on the way there he walked behind and placed his hand on my hip (Controlling, possessive? It was nice! Bit of a spark, of a spark). The short walk pushing our way through the crowd made up our minds that this wasn’t going to work here, let’s move on.

The problem with leaving one place on a Friday night with the after work crowds on a great summers evening is you’re pretty much shit out of luck finding anywhere else to get in. We ended up at TGI Friday’s! TGI bloody Friday’s. Clearly impaired. Hungry.

He squeezed into a booth with him remarking “isn’t there any normal tables?” We quickly ordered more beer and food. The food wasn’t good. The ambiance for a date was appalling. We were by the river but we could have been in a shopping centre. I can’t even remember what we talked about here. He started yawning. At one point he threw into conversation that he didn’t really know what he was looking for. I realised the initial excitement of the unknown possibilities had quickly died.

I walked him to his train station, possibly trying to overcome the fact that we’d just been to TGIs, and stood on my tippy toes to plant a quick kiss on his mouth goodbye. As I turned to walk away, he giggled!

Photo by burak kostak on Pexels.com

It’s been a week now and we haven’t spoken. Neither of us cares enough to even say I don’t think we should pursue another date. The whole evening, he spoke at me. I spoke back of course, but he didn’t ask me any questions about myself. I learnt about his family, his housemates, his work, his friends….  was it nerves or he couldn’t even be bothered to get to know me? Do you know what, I’ve got nothing to lose here. I’m going to ask him! This will be an interesting social experiment… stay tuned.

It hinges on this

The best things in life are free…… so they say. Well I’m now a free subscriber to Hinge, a reasonably new dating app. It’s done away with the swipe left or right phenomenon and instead asks you to like, or decline, users pictures and personal information.

For example, IF (come on Geordan, seriously) this was your thing, you would like it and can comment. I guess it’s maybe, very loosely, a conversation starter.

I in-real-life liked this topless picture but know it’s no good for me so hit x on the app.

You get 10 likes a day (America’s day time). This will be good for me so that I can’t go wildly swiping anymore – throwback to 200+ profiles! 

I reminded myself that the girl I’d hired in a moment of weakness, the bosomy, loud, tittering niece of Thilda’s, could have oiled the hinges (of the shop). Alberta… was at a long since marriageable, perhaps overripe, age, a pear just a bit too soft that would soon tumble to the ground under the weight of its own juices. She was not in possession of anything else that made her especially attractive, with the exception of said bosom. She was so ripe for the picking that she behaved as if every single person of the male persuasion that stepped in the shop was her intended.

(Maya Lunde, The History of Bees)

Is this me?????

Was the mad swiping of my past an attempt to find any male as my intended?

No, I have to remind myself there was a lot I declined and will continue to decline. But 10 likes a day will keep a lid on things and make sure I pick quality ‘applicants.’

I’m definitely bosomy too. Bosomy makes me picture chubby and very voluptuous, ney, if not, dare I say it, overweight-

But this is the ‘bosomy’ I’d like to be-

Hinge asks for your height, age, location, drinking and smoking preferences and interest in children but NOT your body type. Guess that’s why all the guys feel the need to post topless selfies, gym poses and this app even allows videos! So yep, I’ve already seen topless workouts. Thanks guys.

So I’ve turned online dating into a drinking game. Play along…

Needless to say, probably best to play on a weekend. I drank four beers playing Monday night…. happy fishing!

The challenge

I’ve detoxed off dating apps for a month. It actually feels amazing!

I wanted to work on myself without distractions. Imagine if I gave myself the same time and effort I’ve put into online dating. Let’s face it, the never ending cycle of men that don’t reply, sleazy come ons and small talk was exhausting.

Power is making decisions (The Outlaw King)

The first week off dating apps, I still needed a ‘hit’ from my phone. I was so used to checking it and notifications going off, I started messaging people more. I was proud of myself for starting conversations with people that I might not have if I was busy with dating apps. Then I realised…. I’m not chatting with ‘people’, I’m chatting with men. Single men. Single male friends. I’d just substituted Bumble for Messenger!

I eased off Messenger. Whatsapp became my next forum but at least I was communicating with girlfriends.

Matthew Hussey has some good advise on dating but also about being your best self. He set challenges for things to try….

The first time I walked past a good looking stranger- epic fail!

I found myself automatically looking down, or looking anywhere else, than directly at them.

As I live in an inner city, busy, beachside area there’s plenty of good looking strangers to practise on. Now that I’ve got my head held high and I’m trying to make eye contact, I may seem like a smiling psycho…..but I’m hoping it starts to become more natural!

I’m struggling with this one. I talk to strangers when I’m walking the dog and I’m nice but I don’t think that counts. I’ll have to keep an eye out for an opportunity.

I registered for Social Sixes (Cricket Victoria).

I didn’t go.

But I have lots of ideas for activities to try in the summer holidays.

Have I got fitter and healthier in the last month? No. I’ve drank more beer and eaten more chips than ever before.

Have I had a nice break from the dating merry-go-round, swiping R.S.I., bad spelling, mixed messages, and filthy suggestions? Yes. Let’s call it a success!

NO-vember

I’ve had three serious relationships in the past but they all said no, no, no.

No, I haven’t started dinner even though I’ve been home from work for three hours before you.

No, I haven’t brought the washing in or done anything with it as my Mum always did that for me.

No, I can’t go out with you and your friends because my footy team is playing.

No, I won’t see you much this weekend as cricket is life.

No, I don’t feel like going for a walk with the dog.

No, I don’t want to go to the beach. I want to watch the game on replay.

No, I’m tired.

No, I don’t know how I feel anymore.

No, I don’t want to be with you anymore and I’ve cheated on you.

Recently, I hit it off with Mr Suave (before he ghosted me) but he was also a ‘no’ man!

No, I don’t like dress up parties.

No, I don’t like fishing.

No, I don’t like dogs that bound up to me as they get in the way. (WTF?!)

No, I would never catch a bus.

No, I don’t like historical fiction, just documentaries.

No, I don’t like walking along the street when it’s busy, they are all tourists and need to get out of my way!

Now, I’m saying ‘no’! I want a yes man.

I want someone that says ‘yes’, I’ll do that. Yes, I’ll go there. Yes, I’d like that. Yes, that would be fun. However if I put that on my online profile, it sounds a bit kinky.

Jim Carey is a bit annoying when he’s being overly dramatic but I like the idea of the movie ‘Yes man’. He has to say yes to everything!

It would go something like-

Yes, let’s get tickets to that festival.

Yes, I want to play tennis with you.

Yes, let’s go for a walk along the beach with the dog.

Yes, I’ll make you dinner.

Yes, you are an amazing little starfish!

And Zooey Deschanel would play me in the movie.

I went on the Bumble dating app to read a few profiles for ideas and in less than five minutes, this is how many guys said yes to me!

With no info (at all) on my profile and only one photo, they must be saying yes to everyone. So I really need a guy that says yes to me, but no to everyone else.

I have swipe fatigue- I’m tired of trying to figure out whether to say yes or no and whether they will then say yes or no to me. When I’m ready to swipe again, I’ll try to find my yes man.

NO-vember = no swiping.

What do you wish a man would say ‘yes’ to?

Get a life

I was told me a couple of months ago to ‘get a life’. It wasn’t said to be mean or upset me but it did upset me, at first. My immediate reaction is ‘what the heck is he talking about?’. I’ve got lots of friends and I’m always out and about, I’ve travelled, I’ve partied, I’ve had a couple of failed relationships, I’ve lived.

I’ve participated in many rites of passage including my ‘Wild West’ themed 21st party, concerts and festivals every year.

Went on a Rumspringa Contiki tour(s)- 8 countries in 15 days through Europe and then New Zealand.

Worked the Ritual customer service jobs and those three days working in a sand paper factory. (Working at Blockbuster Video- the kids wouldn’t even understand)

Vision quests- island hopping including drink, dance, sleep (repeat) at a full moon party in Koh Phangan – finding out a month later that all the sleeping was due to being diabetic!

Obligatory jumping out of a perfectly good plane.

Feeling like I was going to plummet to my death from ‘treetop adventures’.

Surviving the weird and wonderful food in China and walking… no, climbing…. no, hands and feet crawling up the steep stairs on the Great Wall of China to drink a warm beer at the top!

Discovering what it’s like to live the song Bangarang, experiencing a 17 hour sleeper train in China and again in Vietnam- sliding forwards, backwards, side to side and up and down over the train tracks in bed.

So how have I not got a life? Oh, failed relationships….

I may have a big social network and exciting adventures but I’m not making a life for myself with my own family….it was my Dad who said it to me. My kind and caring Mumma and Pappa just want me to be happy and make sure I’ve got someone else in my life.

Well it’s not exactly from a lack of trying. Mr Suave ghosted me after five dates. ICE COLD SUAVE.

I’m quite nice and often sweet (or raging, there’s becoming less in between and I’ve been told I’m cute. However I want to be fierce!

Men might not like ‘fierce’ but if I’m to get a life, and that’s not with a partner, then I want to be doing and saying things that have impact.

Get a life you’re proud of.

I’m passionate about equality and girls empowerment but previously felt a bit useless trying to change the world. I came across One girl and their Do it in a dress fundraiser.

From what I understand, Primary School ceases at 10 years old in Africa. So what do girls do then? They either have to look after the home and the rest of the family, find work, or (most likely) be sold by the family into marriage. This then leads to mistreatment by their much older husbands and certainly isn’t a life I’d wish for anyone!

For $300, a girl can continue her education with a scholarship for a year. So I wore a dress to my school, as a teacher, to meetings, walking the dog and to Pilates to raise money. Not only did I raise $845 but what was incredible was that 15 students were inspired to wear a dress and fundraise as well.

Five young boys joined in the cause. These boys are only 10 years old and were prepared to take the laughs and smash the stereotypes of wearing a dress to try and change the world and fight for equality. I was so proud of them!!

Together, we raised almost $4,000.

Catch of the day

I was giggling with my colleagues at dinner after work about the sexy waiter serving us when my male colleague asked ‘hang on, aren’t you taken now?’ Taken?! I’m more likely to be kidnapped and taken away, than a man taking me to be his girlfriend!

I haven’t made this statement because I’m not worthy, but I feel that we are on the cusp of a big change in social norms. Divorce rates are high, ladies are having babies later on in life, its now legal to marry same sex partners, and online dating means that men have access to thousands of women and choices. Bumble online dating now has more information on potential matches showing everything from religion, desire for children and what kind of relationship they are looking for.

I should be a catch of the day. However, 42 year old men are posting under Relationship? ‘Don’t know yet’. Children? Undecided. If they don’t know at 42, then they are either not being honest or will probably never know what they want.

I don’t know yet

Wants relationship but not kids

Wants relationship and kids

And I have to share this catch of the day with you- gross! Seriously dude, you are trying to attract a mate, not a shark.

What a catch 😬

I thought Mr Suave was a catch of the day. So I was trying to put my best foot forward. But you know that saying about the best laid plans…. On my third date with Mr Suave I forgot my bank card. On my fourth date, I forgot my insulin! He handled it all like the gentleman he is. I was so embarrassed about the big reveal I made about diabetes though.

Usually I wait for the right moment to talk about having diabetes (never), or go in with a laissez-faire attitude (let people do and think as they please). I had kept it discreet until now and went out to dinner care free, skipped off to the toilets after eating to inject my insulin….. no insulin. I handled the next part cool as a cucumber and announced to him ‘sorry, I’ve forgotten some medication and will have to go home and get it.’ No problem to him and luckily we were five minutes from my house. What I did next was not cool.

He stayed in the hallway whilst I went through to the kitchen and got out a new insulin pen. It had been after a pint of beer so I pop back into the hallway and announce…

Well, this is my big secret! I’m diabetic!

You dick head, Little starfish. Luckily the rest of the date went well and was incident free. But it didn’t come up again which was a bit strange. He was also very quiet over text message for the next few days. Hmmmm, maybe he no longer thinks I’m a good catch. I ended up texting him..

Hey, diabetes isn’t my big secret. It just hasn’t come up before.

Mr Suave came over for Netflix and chill for our fifth date.

He said goodbye with ‘I don’t know when I’m going to see you again. I won’t be able to see you for two weeks.’

‘That’s fine’, I replied politely with a smile.

F.I.N.E

Feelings in need of expression.

You didn’t ask what I have on in the coming weeks, so maybe I don’t have time for you!

I’m not interesting enough to slot in on the weekend?

In fairness, he had told me earlier that he’ll be working late or long hours for his new job as they undertake on-the-job-training for the next two weeks.

Time will tell if I get thrown back into the ocean. And if he is the one for me. Part of me says if he isn’t interested enough to ask me more about diabetes, he isn’t that interested…..

The Paper Bag Princess

There’s been two Royal weddings of late- Meghan and Harry and recently Princess Eugenie. Meghan and Harry have just made their way to Australia where they excitedly announced their baby news and met hoards of Primary School students. Why? So the kids become emotionally invested in their lives, respect and love them and won’t want to leave the Commonwealth when they grow up. That’s one of my theories anyway. Yet, as girls grow into women, we want them to be more realistic about their lives and rather than hope to fall in love with a prince, or be rescued by a prince, they can recognise fairy tales from hard work, strength and resilience.

“The paper bag princess” by Robert Munsch is a must read for a girl of any age! It’s a tale that starts off with the typical characters- a prince, princess (well, his fiance) and a dragon. However it is the prince that gets kidnapped by the dragon and needs rescuing by the princess! She hurriedly gets dressed to save him and wears only a paper bag to run after him and attempt to outwit the dragon.

When she encounters the dragon, Elizabeth outwits him by asking him to perform feats of strength until he passes out. Elizabeth then passes the dragon and goes to save Ronald. However, when Ronald sees Elizabeth in a paper bag, rather than beautiful princess clothes, he is aghast. Ronald yells at Elizabeth to come back when she looks like a “real princess”. Our heroic Paper Bag Princess swiftly replies by saying, “You look like a real Prince, but you are a bum.” She takes off her crown, and gleefully dances into the sunset. (Credit: https://www.teachingchildrenphilosophy.org/BookModule/ThePaperBagPrincess)

This paper bag princess is now single but strong! I can identify with Elizabeth as I want to meet someone that accepts me as I am. If I have to change to please him, then I am not going to please myself. After being gaslighted in a previous relationship, I truly believe that you need to be happy in yourself, with yourself, by yourself.

When dating and speaking to friends about trying to meet someone, I’ve been given the following advise:

• Write a list of everything that you want in a partner and it will come true. It has to be specific though, or it won’t come true
• Make space in your wardrobe and clear out a drawer for a future partner. When you have made the physical space, the partner will come
• Expand your age range, you need to go for older men (try a lot older)
• Try to meet men with kids
• You need to wear lipstick
• Get the ‘girls’ out (boobs)

When you do meet someone online, frequent questioning is along the lines of ‘What are you looking for?’ I’ve tried to communicate what I’m looking for in a couple of different ways as if you tell most guys that you want a relationships that’s a quick turn off and has them running for the hills! I’ve previously tried ‘casual but respectful’, and something like ‘looking for a connection’ or someone that wants to get to know me.

I’ve been on four dates with Mr Suave now and neither of us have asked what the other is looking for. I think we are just enjoying getting to know each other. I have put in some effort with hair, make up and clothes and get nervous putting myself out there with high school type doubts ‘what if he doesn’t like me?’. On each occasion I’ve forced any doubts away and reassured myself ‘just be yourself, you are worth getting to know.’

I’ve just realised that I’m not looking for a relationship. Well not just any relationship. If I was, I’d be happy to go out with anyone that was single that I could pair up with. I’m the paper bag princess. I want someone to like me just the way I am. If that’s make -up free in my PJ’s then that’s my paper bag. I’m happy to rescue my prince but he also needs to be respectful, kind, and appreciate me. I certainly don’t need to be rescued…I am single but strong.

Off I go, gleefully dancing into the sunset.

Photo by luizclas on Pexels.com

Chalk and cheese

I had two dates last weekend!!!! Go me! They were as different as chalk and cheese- what a strange expression. I thought the same as http://www.phrases.org.uk “There must be many pairs of things that are more different than chalk and cheese.” They claim it’s popularity is as simple as they are short and snappy words that alliterate. I’m going to work on coming up with another one.

Mr Suave was from an online dating app, the other was a ‘blind date’ (of course we checked each other out on Facebook first) set up by friends. Where Suave was tall, the other was short. Suave had dark hair, the other was greying. Suave had beers with me, the other coffee. Suave went halvies on the costs, the other let me pay. Suave lives within a reasonable distance, and the other is an hours drive away. Okay, it’s clear who I’m leaning towards.

At school, we teach the kids to identify similarities and differences, and usually make them put it in a Venn diagram! It’s also a reading strategy to compare and contrast which allows them to understand the book better and make real life connections. So what did these guys have in common that made them a good match for me?

They were similar in that neither of them owned a pet but agreed dogs were better. They both had their own home (whether rented or owned, we didn’t go into it) and had good jobs. Stable work that they somewhat enjoy, most days. Interestingly, I didn’t go into their family situations and neither did they. I think that’s a sign that we didn’t need the small talk about who has siblings and what age they are. Both were able to hold their own, and conversation flowed along the standard path of ask a question, respond yourself with a story, ask another……

Both were respectful- they didn’t try to touch me up or talk dirty!

But Mr Suave had it all.

He dressed well for the date and looked great in a floral (I don’t care what you think, I’m man enough to pull this off as fun and happy) shirt and nice shoes. As we sat down with our beers, I asked a bustling table and group standing if they minded us sitting down next to them. He handled it cool, calm and collected when a very drunk guy leaned in and told us with a slur and a wobble that you should just take things and not ask as he might have said no. We talked and laughed our way merrily into a second drink and then agreed to a third at a different bar he wanted to check out over the road. The third beer then turned into an espresso martini that he ordered for me as I had said I love them. We made our way over to a comfy couch and moved closer as it had got colder. Then it starts to become a blur…. We leaned in for a kiss and he suggested….. dancing! So off we went, walking hand in hand down the street and when I complained about walking in my heels, he ordered a taxi the rest of the way apologising to the driver “Sorry man, I know it’s a short trip. I’ll pay you extra.”

At the club, he paid for both of our entry costs ($20 each) and put our jackets together in the cloak room. He bought me a coke as I said I’d really had enough and we danced and made out for the next hour or so. He laughed at me as I danced to The Nutbush (OMG, I can’t believe I did that on a date!) and I laughed at him as we both enjoyed S Club 7. When I went to the toilets and realised how messy I’d become, I told him I had to call it a night and he put me in a cab home. We text all the next day… and lived happily ever after. Ha ha. No, we’ll see………

Photo by Gabriel Augusto on Pexels.com

I didn’t put my best foot forward when I met my coffee date. I had drank too much with Mr Suave so I was still a bit tired and shaky. I’m not a morning person so I had dry shampooed my hair and I didn’t feel as banging as I had last night. Because of the alcohol, I also had a (diabetic) hypo during the date and whilst I tried to hide it, my speech wasn’t coming out the same and I couldn’t think of the right words. I might have got away with it as nervous and cute… but I probably also seemed like a downright drip! This date lasted an hour.

Chalk and Cheese.

I really like cheese- Mr Suave has to be the cheese!