I am a feminine feminist

Some people still think of Feminism like it’s a dirty word! It’s not a lesbian, who no longer washes or shaves and hates men. What’s fun though…. is that it can be.

You can also be a feminine feminist!

I can never own enough dresses. Dresses work no matter what season. Throw on some leggings and boots during winter and get your legs out in summer. My colleague loves pink! Pink errrryythang! So what? It’s just a colour.

A Feminist just wants equality for all. They have a belief that you can be whatever and whomever you want to be. Blokes can be feminist. Don’t be scared and confused. It’s time to educate yourself!

feminist

dictionary.com

Feminine definition

It seems that we are in the fourth wave of feminism. How sad, that this is the fourth time we are trying to make a difference and get the world to stand up and listen so that changes are made. How many waves will it take?

The first wave of feminism came about from the suffragettes who worked hard to get women the right to vote. This continued throughout war times when the traditional role of women started to change and women found themselves working outside the home for the first time.

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J. Howard Miller’s We Can Do It poster from 1943.

The second wave of feminism was in the 70’s with Germaine Greer at the forefront. Women were still fighting to reduce inequalities, and change the roles of women in the family, the workplace, and to gain reproductive rights. “Feminists: What were they thinking?” Netflix Film interviews the women that posed for a book of photos “Emergence” by Cynthia McAdams during the height of this movement.

Be a good girl…. well that implies that we weren’t good girls. I’ve only known that ‘no’ can be a complete sentence in the last 10 years. (Jane Fonda)

In order to change it, we had to become disobedient (Judy Chicago)

Our bodies, our lives, our right to decide.

We want equality, we want it now (protesters chants)

The women’s naked body was no longer reserved for pornography. The body was a source of pride and of health. The body was to be celebrated and enjoyed.

The third wave of feminism came about in the 90’s- individuality and diversity was the goal. (As an 80’s born child, I don’t recall anything about this movement but I certainly had the privilege of looking and sounding just like one of the guys. There were less gendered experiences).

The fourth wave of feminism is now! This movement is to eliminate sexual harassment, assault, and misogyny. Think of the #metoo campaign where women are standing up and speaking out. We need to end violence against women. White Ribbon Australia states statistics like:

One woman a week is murdered by her current or former partner.
1 in 5 women have experienced sexual violence since the age of 15.

It’s not widely spoken about outside of teaching circles but the Australian Government undertook a Royal Commission into Family Violence and subsequently developed a program to be taught in schools ‘Respectful Relationships’. “Evidence shows that gender-based violence can be prevented by working with the whole population, and in this case, all schools, to address the attitudes, beliefs and knowledge that supports the prevention of violence.” (Department of Education)

Respectful relationships

227 recommendations were made! If we still need to make that many changes, what are you going to do differently?

Even if you are not female, everyone has a Mum, or Grandma, or sister, niece, cousin, aunt, girlfriend, wife and/or female friend. I want you to consider…. how could you NOT be a feminist?!

 

 

How to lose a guy in 7 days

This is my follow up to How to lose a girl in 7 days. But I’m certainly not an expert in guys. They don’t seem to communicate very well….. so WHO KNOWS?! Please help us out guys. There’s probably twenty things a girl could critique and thinks she could have done better but you’ve left no clues for us to actually figure it out. It’s a riddle with no answers.

If you’ve seen the TV series Imposters, each time someone is scammed they leave a video that says things like:

“You must be very confused.”

“You will never see me again”.

“You will ask yourself a lot of questions.”

“You will replay every moment we had together. You will begin to doubt everything you know…. you will begin to doubt yourself. It’s very normal.”

“Don’t try to find me, you will never find me. Don’t put yourself through that. Leave it be… move on with your life”

“You are a good person or this wouldn’t have happened to you. You will find love again. You will find happiness.”

If only guys could say things like that to us, it would be so much better than nothing. Of course there is no such video message in real life. So what goes wrong?

The Dating Struggle identifies five types of single women.

  1. Bag lady (negative comments towards men)
  2. Vixen
  3. The king of her castle (career driven)
  4. Desperate wanna be housewife
  5. Miss Picky

It basically sums us all up except that I can’t identify with just one of them, I think I have bits of them all.

From a man’s perspective (read or watch with an open mind!) 10 types of women you should never date:

  1. The dumb girl
  2. The princess
  3. The financial disaster (this applies to men too)
  4. Sloppy drunk chick
  5. Super jealous girl
  6. A stripper
  7. The women who only has gay men as friends
  8. The my-daddy-buys-me-everything chick
  9. The Tiege Hanly hair (doesn’t want the man to have better hair than her)
  10. The bitch

When you are going through the getting-to-know-you process online, I wouldn’t mention:

  • Significant illness or injury until they have gotten to know you
  • Money issues
  • “Drama”
  • Too much dog talk
  • Taking more than 6 hours to respond (Believe it or not- Bumble statistics that they lose interest)
  • More than one girl is in your photo
  • False advertising- fake hair, fake tan, fake (chicken fillet inserts) boobs

We definitely have personality types online. I would say these are the following types of women (and again I’m parts of them all):

  1. Humorous
  2. Sarcastic smart ass
  3. Nice and sweet
  4. Sexy banter
  5. Independent (difficult to catch as they know they are strong by themselves)
  6. Dependent (really wants to be in a relationship and values husband and kids over the best match- nothing wrong with this)

I write this in case you are doing something obvious and have never thought about it before and wonder what goes wrong. Most of the time, it’s not us, it’s them! When they can’t communicate openly, we will never know, so don’t second guess yourself. I try not to lose myself in the riddle that’s wrapped in a mystery inside an enigma (Winston Churchill quote) and downward spiral. Stay strong that you are amazing. Someone will appreciate you. 

It’s survival of the fittest (mentally) to get through the online profiles, survive the chats, meet for multiple dates and find a good match. Sometimes it is a good match but they are also dating multiple women and are spoilt for choice.

I’m thinking you have no interest in getting to know a gal 🤷🏻‍♀️

If he’s not treating you well or it doesn’t feel right- you need to lose him! I still believe that when the right one comes along it won’t be this hard, hopefully. As the ‘Imposters’ say- Always forward, never backwards. 

I hope you catch some good fish this weekend!

Chalk and cheese

I had two dates last weekend!!!! Go me! They were as different as chalk and cheese- what a strange expression. I thought the same as http://www.phrases.org.uk “There must be many pairs of things that are more different than chalk and cheese.” They claim it’s popularity is as simple as they are short and snappy words that alliterate. I’m going to work on coming up with another one.

Mr Suave was from an online dating app, the other was a ‘blind date’ (of course we checked each other out on Facebook first) set up by friends. Where Suave was tall, the other was short. Suave had dark hair, the other was greying. Suave had beers with me, the other coffee. Suave went halvies on the costs, the other let me pay. Suave lives within a reasonable distance, and the other is an hours drive away. Okay, it’s clear who I’m leaning towards.

At school, we teach the kids to identify similarities and differences, and usually make them put it in a Venn diagram! It’s also a reading strategy to compare and contrast which allows them to understand the book better and make real life connections. So what did these guys have in common that made them a good match for me?

They were similar in that neither of them owned a pet but agreed dogs were better. They both had their own home (whether rented or owned, we didn’t go into it) and had good jobs. Stable work that they somewhat enjoy, most days. Interestingly, I didn’t go into their family situations and neither did they. I think that’s a sign that we didn’t need the small talk about who has siblings and what age they are. Both were able to hold their own, and conversation flowed along the standard path of ask a question, respond yourself with a story, ask another……

Both were respectful- they didn’t try to touch me up or talk dirty!

But Mr Suave had it all.

He dressed well for the date and looked great in a floral (I don’t care what you think, I’m man enough to pull this off as fun and happy) shirt and nice shoes. As we sat down with our beers, I asked a bustling table and group standing if they minded us sitting down next to them. He handled it cool, calm and collected when a very drunk guy leaned in and told us with a slur and a wobble that you should just take things and not ask as he might have said no. We talked and laughed our way merrily into a second drink and then agreed to a third at a different bar he wanted to check out over the road. The third beer then turned into an espresso martini that he ordered for me as I had said I love them. We made our way over to a comfy couch and moved closer as it had got colder. Then it starts to become a blur…. We leaned in for a kiss and he suggested….. dancing! So off we went, walking hand in hand down the street and when I complained about walking in my heels, he ordered a taxi the rest of the way apologising to the driver “Sorry man, I know it’s a short trip. I’ll pay you extra.”

At the club, he paid for both of our entry costs ($20 each) and put our jackets together in the cloak room. He bought me a coke as I said I’d really had enough and we danced and made out for the next hour or so. He laughed at me as I danced to The Nutbush (OMG, I can’t believe I did that on a date!) and I laughed at him as we both enjoyed S Club 7. When I went to the toilets and realised how messy I’d become, I told him I had to call it a night and he put me in a cab home. We text all the next day… and lived happily ever after. Ha ha. No, we’ll see………

woman wearing white dress dancing on brown sand

Photo by Gabriel Augusto on Pexels.com

I didn’t put my best foot forward when I met my coffee date. I had drank too much with Mr Suave so I was still a bit tired and shaky. I’m not a morning person so I had dry shampooed my hair and I didn’t feel as banging as I had last night. Because of the alcohol, I also had a (diabetic) hypo during the date and whilst I tried to hide it, my speech wasn’t coming out the same and I couldn’t think of the right words. I might have got away with it as nervous and cute… but I probably also seemed like a downright drip! This date lasted an hour.

Chalk and Cheese.

I really like cheese- Mr Suave has to be the cheese!

Murder on the dance floor

A day in the life of a single girl.

I dragged myself out of bed on Saturday morning to prepare for Oktoberfest at the Royal Exhibition building, Carlton. The words Oktoberfest and classy don’t go together at all but I thought the venue may mean a less rambunctious affair (such as St Kilda gardens or Birrarung Marr park where a friend climbed up a speaker pole to see the DJ better and ended up in hospital!). 

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Usually Oktoberfest in Melbourne means a lot of girls in short skirts and very low, voluptuous tops and unfortunately we all look the same (thanks eBay). Last year, I spotted at least 20 girls wearing the same outfit as I was. So whilst the beer is flowing, the boys are a plenty, so are the girls and the chances of standing out are slim to none in his environment. It’s just a great day to hang out with friends and have a laugh.

The Royal Exhibitian building was set up like a huge beer hall with trestle tables packed with laughing friends and piled high with the remnants of all the drinks of the day. For this occasion, you had to choose the day function (12-5pm) or the night function (6-11pm) and I found myself at the day session. By 3pm, everyone was very loose!

Girls were dared to try to jump up on wooden crates that were piled higher than their legs whilst the men stood by watching and cheering on. The band was playing covers and anytime an Aussie classic came on, people stood up on the tables and bench seats, screaming the lyrics at the top of their lungs.

You’re the voice, try and understand it. Make a noise and make it clear. Whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa whoa (John Farnham)

Of course, the bench seats broke! They were carried out by security (the benches not the drunk people) to hundreds of people clapping and cheering.

By 4pm, most people were on the dance floor. “Grown ups” that had spent their hard earned money, carefully trying to throw basketballs and shoot ducks to win soft toys, then carried them onto the dance floor. How cute.

The soft toys were then held up high above their heads where they proceeded to rip their guts out! I looked over at one point and thought someone was blowing bubbles to dance under, then I realised it looked like polystyrene balls and I made the connection.

When one saw it, then the others started doing it. No stuffed animal was safe unless you were clinging to it, off the dance floor. I probably should have been laughing. As a primary teacher, I just thought of the waste! And as a drunk person, I was picking up soft toy body parts and holding an abondoned leg up here and there asking boys…

Is this your leg? Did you lose a leg? Do you think this (soaking wet) foot is lucky?

The boys reached out their hands to twirl me around. Not one twirl, repetitive twirls. Not one boy, three boys were trying to twirl me. Why would I want to be twirled whilst drinking beer? But okay, I’ll give this a go and try and make conversation. What a waste of time.

One boy that was prepared to make conversation was also very handsy but he seemed nice enough. Every time I thought ‘he might be fun’ in a non creepy way (again, compared to others. For example, one guy was walking around with a small sign that said ‘will you have sex with me?’) he then put the same moves on my best friend. So he kept going back and forth with my taken friend trying to re-direct him back to me. We made plans for an after party but ended up walking out together when it was over. I had asked him if he wanted to put my phone number in his phone but thought he mustn’t have heard me. He stayed with me for while and I thought he had made his choice when he went back over to my friend. Together, we had to spell it out to him.

“You can’t have both of us. You have to choose one girl and stick with her and make her feel special. (To which he groaned ‘Noooooo.’)

We are not both going to be with you.”

He finally got the message so left to wait for a tram home with his friend! When the tram still hadn’t arrived and we were waiting at the lights he said to me “You can have me til the tram arrives.”

Oh my goodness.

I’m glad I didn’t think I was going to find my dream man at this event. Back to online dating it is! It appears that guys think they can have multiple women in real life too though.

My single vows

I have lost count of the amount of weddings I’ve been to over the years. Up until last night, the last one was about 3 years ago and there was not one single man there- none!

Getting ready for the latest wedding event, I suddenly thought

‘I might be the last single person left. What if the bride calls for the single ladies to catch the bouquet and it’s just me?!’

I tried to prepare myself for that moment and to find the courage to strive forward with conviction that I was single and proud. Luckily that moment never came. The bride didn’t throw her bouquet so we never had to find out who was still single. Let’s face it, why give away a gorgeous bouquet and the girl that catches it never gets married next!

I’ve written my own single vows.

I promise that I will never feel like half a person as I don’t have a partner.

I will take every opportunity to try new things, seek adventure, make new friends and enjoy the freedom that single life allows.

I will always love my baby, Sophie the dog, no matter how bad she smells and keep trying to find the source of her numerous allergies.

I will set myself up for success so that I can’t be a failure.

I’ve also imagined my partners vows! Yep, that’s what happens after hearing so many other people declare their love for each other’s little annoying personal traits or cute couple habits.

Fishing for information

I currently work as a Primary Teacher but my previous career was in Recruitment and Human Resources so I can talk to anyone, about anything! However it’s not a good sign when I hold up the conversation from both ends during a date. Maybe I over talk because of nerves. I think it’s also an indication that my date isn’t that into me. It’s certainly telling when they don’t ask me as many questions or can’t be bothered asking me anything!

I recently met a man for a date in the park walking our dogs and conversation flowed as we got to know each other. However I realised I was doing it again. I was asking all the questions. Telling him things without being asked.

We were talking about street art and making connections, I offered up that I have two tattoos. Let’s think about the art of conversation….he might ask….

Where are they?

What are they of?

Why did you get them?

But instead….. nothing!

The date continued on and we had a few beers but afterwards, I didn’t hear from him again. So to me, who is asking the questions is important.

A lot of online dating and apps now don’t have forms that you have to complete with information to join. The disadvantage with that is that it leaves all the questions to when you match with them!

However the apps that only match you based on questions don’t necessarily find people that you’re attracted to.

Common questioning is

Where do you live?

How long have you been single?

What are you looking for?

Do you want to come to my place or I can come to yours? (Stranger danger)

I’ve also been asked

Do you live alone? (Creepy!)

I just joined Plenty of Fish, POF (again) to see if I would get more conversations and dates than Bumble. POF doesn’t have a location filter but the age range can be applied as well as a lot of fields-

  • Height
  • Body type
  • Wants kids, has kids, does not
  • Ethnicity
  • Job title
  • Income range
  • Religion
  • Intent (casual, dating, relationship, marriage),
  • Education level
  • Smoking status
  • Drinking habits
  • Personality type
  • Star sign
  • Eye colour
  • Pets
  • Language
  • Longest relationship
  • Ambitious-ness

It also shows ‘about me’ and ‘conversation starters’ that they’ve come up with.

I think that soooo much information is supplied, it’s almost harder to start a conversation as you’d look a bit stupid if you ask a getting-to-know-you question about info that’s already been supplied. So does it overcome the basic small talk for status info that Bumble and Tinder takes hours to determine they are the wrong type of fish, or does it create a different problem for conversations? Hopefully it does alleviate the small talk and can fast track to the important stuff.

It tells me that in under 24 hours that 160 guys are interested in me! None have sent me a message to say hi or ask a question 🤔😫😭

With all these info fields available, these 99+ guys are just using the Russian Roulette type swiping feature. Come on guys, put in some effort to getting to know us. We are worth it!

How to catch a fish

“Success is when preparation meets opportunity” (Nick Cummins, The Bachelor Australia)

The times they are a changing. Gone are the days you were guaranteed to meet someone out on the dance floor and if over 30, there’s no more single friends to introduce! So we resort to online dating and trying to get matches. Most sites are random. You throw in your fishing hook in a designated pool/area and decide whether each one you (swipe right) try to pull up or (left) let off the hook. Then you try to strike up a conversation. Hopefully make a date. See if you get along for a second date. But that fishing line can get snagged and snap at many stages.

One of Matthew Hussey’s strategies is to ask a man (in real life) to take a photo of you to break the ice and make contact. But what if you can’t see a man you want to approach? I figure that is probably still better than seeing someone you like but not knowing how to approach them. I have probably let many opportunities pass me by over the years! I’m working on being prepared.

So what are some of the options for online dating in Melbourne?

  • Bumble
  • Tinder
  • POF (Plenty of Fish)
  • Ok Cupid
  • RSVP
  • eHarmony

I’m using Bumble at the moment. The success rate seems to be about 1 in 5 matches with 50% response rate.

For example, if 100 men liked me, I would then find 20 are a mutual match. If I contacted all of them, I would get a reply from 10. From that, at the moment, I’d be lucky to get 1 date.

What are the best days to fish?

I’ve had the most responses on Wednesdays and Thursdays as well as Sundays. There seems to have been a big increase of the amount of guys online since the Bachelor Australia started 2 weeks ago! (Screening Wednesdays and Thursdays but it could be a coincidence).

When you are talking online, you need to have some talking points in mind. The most responses I have received have been after saying Hi and asking them a question about something in their profile or pictures.

I got 0 replies with these lines

Hey there 😁

2 truths & a lie…. ready, set, go!

These got 1-2 responses

There’s a lot of pressure making the first move, be nice to me 🤣

What’s one destination you haven’t been to yet or that you must go to before you die?

Almost Friday, can you describe your weekend ahead in 3 emojis?

Friday nights I get less matches but it seems easier to start a conversation ….they just don’t really go anywhere. I think Friday & Saturday chats are for quick hook ups. I got 3 replies with just ‘Happy Friday 👌’

I’d really rather talk to single people in person. I heard somewhere that if you read a magazine backwards in public, it’s meant to mean you are available! Some other countries have small gestures to show whether they are available. In Samoa, if you have a flower over the left ear you are taken, right side you are available. In Ireland, if you wear a Claddagh ring on your left hand and you turn the ring pointing away from you, this indicates you are looking for love. India has different coloured bindis where single or widowed women wear black or white bindis, with red signalling married.

Apart from traffic light parties at University, what could we start in Australia?

If you have one of these customs in another country, do they work as signals?

What online chats have worked for you?

The need for a partner is changing

For some species, the involvement of males in the reproductive process is entirely optional. While the males may exist, they are not essential to reproduction. Lots of animals can reproduce without male involvement, from the smallest insects to the biggest reptiles. Asexual reproduction comes in many forms too, from basic cell reproduction to complex cloning cycles.

The life cycle of this little starfish is looking bright. I don’t have a partner but I would still like the option of having a baby one day. I met with Dr Rachael Knight about my fertility options. After waiting in the reception area at Melbourne IVF, I ascended the steep stairs and she met me at the top of the stairs with a welcoming smile and a positive approach to an exciting step in my life. She was a breath of fresh air.

I’ve previously heard:

“Have you tried internet dating?” (Duh!)

“37 years and 6 months… don’t get your hopes up”

“Are you dating anyone at the moment? (No) Well, you don’t have long.”

“Awww (to another friend), this is the last baby our group of friends will have”

The blood test results that I had done were in from my doctor and Dr Knight politely and professionally explained that they were good, as she expected. I have the average amount of eggs for someone my age, not too low and not high. It would be less than someone younger but she explained that between 33 and 39 years old is a good time to look at egg freezing.

There’s quite a few steps involved to start this process. It’s important to get an AHM test from your GP. Dr Knight then referred me for another blood test that looks for any serious genetic diseases such as cystic fibrosis. You can choose which ones you test for (which is incredible) but seeing as I may end up considering whether to raise my baby alone, and already have a complex disease with Type 1 diabetes, I said “test them all!” This is approx $400.

Following this blood test, I’ll have an ultrasound. Not just any ultrasound though, the brochure says a virginal ultrasound (gulp) “to measure the endometrial thickness, size and number of follicles in both ovaries” (Pathway of care, Melbourne IVF). Then meeting with a nurse, we will establish counselling and the costs involved with the intent to commence hormone injections in a months time!

Before leaving the appointment, Dr Knight advised me that starting to fall pregnant naturally at this time would be the preference. Egg freezing has only a 50 % success rate. We will aim for 10-20 eggs as they individually only have a 5% chance of fertilisation. They have sperm donors if I was interested in that process. She suggested I might also like to consider getting pregnant at 39 and keeping the eggs frozen for a second baby when I’m then over 40.

I hope that one day I do find an amazing partner. For those of you unsure how it’s going to work out for you, just keep swimming! There’s plenty of fish in the sea and many options available today. Work out what is going to make you happy, and go for it.